Author | Lightnews

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

10/10
Wind tugged at flyers on the chain-link.
“Think we’ll survive this?” I asked.
“This ain’t the first dictator we’ve lived under.”
“¿No hablas español?” she grinned.
“Here’s looking at you, kid. To hope, faith, and gigolos.”
#AkiraAshSatires #ShortStory

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

9/10
“You still on antidepressants?” she asked.
“No.”
“Good. Same. I’m done dulling myself.
They said I was too sharp. Fuck it—I should get a gigolo instead of a shrink.”
“Hey, different penis issues, but at least one delivers.”
@grantamag.bsky.social #Satire

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

8/10
PARKING LOT — AFTER
Marlboros burned between our fingers.
Sodium lights turned the asphalt honey-colored.
“I feel so powerless,” I said.
“Twenty years teaching democracy—and I can’t define it without choking on it.”
#DocumentaryCodedFiction

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

7/10
“You okay?” Hannah asked.
“Fine, can’t complain,” I said—and then I wasn’t.
Fluorescents hummed like trapped bees.
Somewhere a woman shrilled.
A door slammed; the sound folded back into silence.
“Come on,” she said. “Before the questions start breeding.”

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

6/10
HALLWAY — INTERMISSION
The meeting paused for questions. Questions that needed therapy.
We stood beneath a NO VAPING ON CAMPUS sign.
Lost and Found: one small sock, pink with stars.
A paper snowflake trapped behind glass.
@theatlantic.com #WomensVoices

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

5/10
“High THC. I had an early start. One or two?”
She held out her palm, casual as communion.
“Make it two. I’ve got a high tolerance.”
We nodded when it was appropriate to nod.
Model citizens. Pearl earrings. Low-pump heels. Nobody suspected a thing.

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

4/10
I gave a thumbs-up. “You’re a good woman.”
Burn, then bloom. A small, bright mercy in a fluorescent room.
“My turn,” I said. “You want something?”
“What you got?”
I showed her the tin—gummies, ruby and neat like gemstones in a science kit.
@parisreview.bsky.social

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

3/10
Someone’s baby wailed along the back wall.
Hannah leaned close, perfume of citrus, coffee, a little wildness.
“You thirsty?” she breathed.
“What kind of water?”
She held up her stainless bottle like contraband. “Pure vodka water.”
#LiteraryFiction

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

2/10
EVENING — MULTIPURPOSE ROOM
We slid into folding chairs late—two women with PTA smiles and battlefield eyes.
The principal’s PowerPoint clicked like a metronome: Safety Initiative. Gluten-Free Bake Sale. Parent Portal.
#ShortStory @electricliterature.com

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

1/10
PTA, Vodka, and Gigolos
By ©Akira Ash ©Helena K. Rene, PhD

🔗 X: @AkiraAshSatires
🔗 BlueSky: @AkiraAshSatires.bsky.social
🔗 FB: facebook.com/akiraashsatires

#AkiraAshSatires #ModernSatire #HighLitHumor

Akira Ash

Akira Ash. 2 likes · 16 talking about this. New Yorker + Sedaris Bite + Psuedocode. Drops at 11am (EST) @AkiraAshSatires on X, Threads.

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1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

PTA, Vodka, and Gigolos

By ©Akira Ash ©Helena K. Rene, PhD

🔗 X: @AkiraAshSatires
🔗 BlueSky: @AkiraAshSatires.bsky.social
🔗 FB: facebook.com/akiraashsatires

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 20h

1/10
PTA, Vodka, and Gigolos
By ©Akira Ash ©Helena K. Rene, PhD

🔗 X: @AkiraAshSatires
🔗 BlueSky: @AkiraAshSatires.bsky.social
🔗 FB: facebook.com/akiraashsatires

#AkiraAshSatires #ModernSatire #HighLitHumor

Akira Ash

Akira Ash. 2 likes · 16 talking about this. New Yorker + Sedaris Bite + Psuedocode. Drops at 11am (EST) @AkiraAshSatires on X, Threads.

facebook.com

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 21h

PTA, Vodka, and Gigolos

By ©Akira Ash ©Helena K. Rene, PhD

🔗 X: @AkiraAshSatires
🔗 BlueSky: @AkiraAshSatires.bsky.social
🔗 FB: facebook.com/akiraashsatires

⸻
@newyorker.com @parisreview.bsky.social @electricliterature.com @theatlantic.com @ploughshares.bsky.social @mcsweeneys.net

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

10/10
PENTAGON STEPS — NIGHT
CARTMAN: “Peace Through Snackriority. Every lunchbox a mission.”
Reporter: “Will your past haunt you?”
CARTMAN: “Only if ghosts can’t respect my authoritah.”

#AkiraAshSatires #SnackAndAwe @newyorker.com @theonion.com @politico.com @postopinions.bsky.social

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

9/10
LIVE DRILL.
Three keys: Cartman, Joint Chiefs, Inspector.
WICKER: “Three… two—”
CARTMAN: “Mine’s sticky.”
INSPECTOR: “Why?”
CARTMAN: “Ranch. The dressing of liberty.”
Vote 51-49.
@TheRealRoseGold: “ERIC CARTMAN CONFIRMED!!! #PEACETHROUGHFLAVOR”

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

8/10
FISCHER: “$90 million for Snack Munitions?”
CARTMAN: “Morale wins wars. Rome fell to vending machines.”
ERNST: “Define deterrence.”
CARTMAN: “Make the other guy think you’re too crazy to schedule.”
GEN LEX (ret.): “Parade music that slaps isn’t doctrine.”
CARTMAN: “It is now.”

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

7/10
COTTON: “You were twelve.”
CARTMAN: “Advanced Placement.”
WARREN: “Why trust you with nuclear codes?”
CARTMAN: “Doctrine of never being hangry on the world stage.”
DUCKWORTH: “Plan for diversity?”
CARTMAN: “Every flavor of patriot gets a plate.”

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

6/10
REED: “Tests vs Earth?”
CARTMAN: “Sustainable superiority: plant a tree for every boom, give the trees camo. Deterrence with curb appeal.”
A page texts under the desk: “this plays too well.”

#CapitolHill

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

5/10
THE HEARING — SENATE ARMED SERVICES 10:01 A.M.
Cartman enters: navy suit, flag pin, Cheesy Poofs “for morale.”
WICKER: “Two-person rule for launch codes?”
CARTMAN: “Shared responsibility — keeps butterfingers off the button . . . Secretary of War . . . b–h.”

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

4/10
CANDIDATE FILE — ERIC T. CARTMAN
Former hall monitor. Founder, Lunchroom Stabilization Force.
Decorations include the Medal of Snackrifice and Cross of Unapologetic Confidence.
Core skills: snack logistics & turning hostile questions into applause lines.

@southparkcontexto.bsky.social

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

3/10
@TheRealRoseGold posts:
PHEG IS LOYAL BUT NOT HAWKISH ENOUGH!!! ERIC CARTMAN IS SMART FUNNY TOUGH HUNGRY — LOVES OUR TROOPS (AND SNACKS)!!! #SNACKANDAWE #AMERICASTRONG

Anchors freeze mid-panel.
Pheg steps into a black SUV, immaculate.

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

2/10
RUMOR FROM THE DISTRICT — 5:47 A.M.
Fog on the Potomac. Lattes vibrate like lie detectors.
“Rosé Gold’s done with Pheg.”
Chyrons bloom: WHITE HOUSE SEEKS ‘MORE HAWKISH’ WAR CHIEF.
Producers already booking retired generals.

#PoliticalSatire

1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

1/10
Authoritah, With Ranch
Reports from Capitol Hill as E. Cartman’s confirmation turns statecraft into snackcraft.

⸻

By ©Akira Ash ©Helena K. Rene, PhD

🔗 X: @AkiraAshSatires
🔗 BlueSky: @AkiraAshSatires.bsky.social
🔗 FB: facebook.com/akiraashsatires

⸻

#DocumentaryCodedFiction #AkiraAshSatires

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1

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 1d

Authoritah, With Ranch

Reports from Capitol Hill as E. Cartman’s confirmation turns statecraft into snackcraft.

By ©Akira Ash ©Helena K. Rene, PhD

🔗 X: @AkiraAshSatires
🔗 BlueSky: @AkiraAshSatires.bsky.social
🔗 FB: facebook.com/akiraashsatires

@newyorker.com @theatlantic.com #AkiraAshSatires

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 2d

10/10
// POST
console.log("Never seat a sociopath next to a poet.");
console.log("→ file closed: crown_city_bar_hell_edition.js");
Rain outside. Crown City slept uneasy.

@theonion.com @vicemagazine.bsky.social @mcsweeneys.net @wired.com

#AkiraAshSatires
#DocumentaryCodedFiction

AkiraAshSatires @akiraashsatires.bsky.social · 2d

Akira Ash Sunday Pseudocode Graffiti™

Michael Scott Walks Into a Bar in Crown City

By ©Akira Ash ©Helena K. Rene, PhD

🔗 X: @AkiraAshSatires
🔗 BlueSky: @AkiraAshSatires.bsky.social
🔗 FB: facebook.com/akiraashsatires

⸻
@theonion.com @vicemagazine.bsky.social @mcsweeneys.net @wired.com #AkiraAsh