Author | Lightnews

Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Sep 14

Loneliness can suck, but it’s easier to love myself in solitude than keep exposing myself to intimacy that is always painful.

Trying for companionship involving sexual intimacy is pointless when my body still isn’t right for the intimacy I’ve always wanted.

Some days it’s hard loving myself alone

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Dec 20

FYI, to those who have been wondering. I’m in a much better place mentally now, and am enjoying my path.

Have been mostly posting stuff on Facebook for the past little bit…

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Nov 5

I hate that this where I’m at, I just want something that feels right and inspires hope. But I’ve been so lonely for so long. I feel broken.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Nov 5

I want to cry but I don’t even know where the tears are anymore.

I feel like the bad guy, which is stupid. I just want to be happy. But it’s also not stupid, I love her tremendously and yet I’m leaving for space and clarity.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

So it's not uncommon for me to still throw up nude pics on Fet or possibly other places, knowing I will attract the very same kinds of chaser culture comments I'm complaining about.

Because I crave not just attention, but affection and affirmation for who I am.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

But a funny thing about my reaction to this:
bsky.app/profile/alai...

I have found that I still crave attention, and interestingly the male gaze. Any time a gorgeous man tells me about the beautiful woman I am my heart just swoons, because for a moment, I feel like my soul is seen.

Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

And when I feel like I catch even the slightest scent that someone prefers my body this way more so than they prefer my body to be configured the way that makes me happy--there are few things that could be a quicker turn off and cause of general distaste for wanting any kind of physical intimacy.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

Fortunately, I'm having a major swing in cashflow for my budget. After 10 years I feel like I can now finally save up rather than just live paycheck to paycheck.

So here's hoping I finally finish this transition journey in the next 2-3 years.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

And then I strive for my transition goals and get myself back on track again, because what else can I do?

My conservative family might think I could detrans, but they don't realize that's like asking me to go back to being a walking zombie devoid of all life.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

I feel like I'm just really jaded towards dating and sex because of so many toxic interactions. Tack on the state of my body and I'm just like "I give up, what's the point, I'll just be celibate until achieve a level of normalcy, go insane, or die".

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

I mean, if you really want to get my attention because you're truly interested in me...

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

Why isn't it instead "Hey there, I want to love and support you on your transition goals, because I can see that is what you need the most for your happiness, and I would love to help you reach a place of true happiness."?

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

And when I feel like I catch even the slightest scent that someone prefers my body this way more so than they prefer my body to be configured the way that makes me happy--there are few things that could be a quicker turn off and cause of general distaste for wanting any kind of physical intimacy.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

...nor experience what I truly want to feel. And as for those that do believe I'm a "proper partner" in my current state, most are just fetishizing my body rather than loving me for who I am. As if they truly loved me for who I am, they wouldn't prefer my body configured this way over what I want.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

And it gets lonely for me too, because I tend to push people away rather than make another attempt at physical intimacy that I know is going to lead to me be triggered about the inadequacy of my body, and that I can't even be a proper partner for my lover...

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

The overall feeling that comes with all the times of never feeling fulfilled while trying to be intimate with someone I love just eats away at me inside--in that part of my soul that believes in and yearns for my happiness.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

I've tried so hard to be there for partners in a sort of "service top" role. And I do have a level of enjoyment in pleasuring and pleasing others. But not being able to reach a place where my needs for physical intimacy can even possibly be fulfilled has been difficult.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

Due to this, sometimes I feel closer to being ACE because I just don't want to deal with sex or situations where I may feel pressured into sex.

I just need to get my lower surgery. As I'm not going to be happy with the idea of being sexually intimate until things are right enough downstairs first.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 20

Transdicament (n): When you're pre-op trans and horny AF, but just can't get excited for sex or any physical intimacy that might lead to sex because it's just gonna mean more painful frustration and unfulfillment, as well as triggering for your body dysphoria and depression.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 13

The greatest roll model 💚

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 13

Feeling good today 💖

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Aug 13

Kind of relatable I suppose.

“…it will be evident that the hard reality of trying to be someone you aren’t has been at best supplanted by the hard reality of being alone except when you can muster the effort to fill the holes.”

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Dec 25

Happy holidays and may this season of light returning be one filled with happiness and joy 💖

Just a pic of me on this fifth day of Yule (Christmas Eve for others).

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Dec 25

You are all amazing, thank you for showing everyone what it means to show up for yourself. 💖

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Dec 25

If there was ever a definition for an amazing spiritual warrior, it is in those that follow the truth in their inner compass, even in the face of loved ones who may judge us for who we are or the choices we make.

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Alaia Nakama (Avalon) @alaia.bsky.social · Dec 25

Much love to everyone that is feeling lonely and estranged from family and loved ones, especially at this time of year.

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