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Azure Eye News

@azureeyenews.bsky.social

300 followers 100 following 2.1K posts

All the libel that's fit to print! The finest newspaper in the New Mexico Territory; serving the charming yokels and hucksters of Varmint Vale and the greater Colorado Plateau desert, and the various things that creep about the sands under the stars.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 6h

Pretty sure we saw @anekonamednancy.bsky.social talking to the mayor about buying a new house or something after hers got boobed to pieces.

Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 9h

We aren't going anywhere. The news must be printed! Democracy dies smothered under the weight of corporate fatcats!

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 17h

There has to be SOMETHING connecting all of this. Some overarching theme that you're missing, some thread of magic that weaves all of these spells together into some giant fabric of a curse that you can't QUITE see.

It's as you're walking past the pasture that you finally get the break you need.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 17h

What you can't make sense of, though, is that the smell changes. The incense is a constant, but everywhere else you go it feels like wandering Hiram's- every few feet your nose is being confronted with some new mix of spices, oils, dead things, metals, and... uhh... "various bodily secretions."

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 17h

Even wandering the boundary of the town reveals faintly smelling mist around the town's boundary. In fact, now that you really have time to explore it, the fog forms a VERY distinct ring centered on town square, though you're not sure what the exact midpoint is. You'd guess the fountain?

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 17h

The smell of magic is all over the town, and all over the people. This curse is absolutely EVERYWHERE already, & it's so pervasive that you can't work out who or where it's coming from. The only place it's NOT coming from is the well. You always knew you liked that thing. Fountain's cursed, though.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 17h

VACATION DESTINATIONS: You slowly meander the streets of the village, carefully and discretely sniffing the place and people over in a way that, if you saw someone else doing it, would lead you to assume that they were a pervert. Unfortunately, what you learn is nowhere near as fun as that'd be.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

The lesson is that nerd has some serious mojo and it's probably a good idea to be more subtle in general.

Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

The more you think on it, the more you come to the conclusion that you WEREN'T thrown from the window. You were... moved, directly, through space. Magic.

Dangit, that incense you've been smelling everywhere. That's what it is. It's the smell of old ritual magic.

It's time to re-walk the town.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

Now, this could be the trauma response talking? But the more you think on it, the more you can't even remember being thrown FROM said window. And it looks pretty unbroken from down here. Also Chastity is an underfed nerd from the 1600s, so how did she even have the strength to...? Huh.

HUH.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

You know, you'd really expected more broken shards of glass to be involved in being thrown through a window? It usually works that way back home when Mable throws someone out of the Parched Cactus. Also you just fell like... thirty feet, at least, and yet you're not even bruised.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

"Look," you sigh and cut to the chase, "I know this sounds insane, but I'm from the future, and-"

You catch her up to speed. It doesn't go as badly as you'd think! In fact, it goes much, much worse.

The good news is you get a GREAT view of the lighthouse through the window. Just like the brochure!

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

VACATION DESTINATIONS: You and Chastity (the librarian? You'd know her name if you were paying attention earlier. God!) stare awkwardly at each other for a long, loooooong moment.

"Can you... explain what you mean by that?" She asks, nervously, "Not every day your town gets called cursed."

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

I was there and it sucked, which is why I'm here.

Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

That's because everyone knows raccoons are assholes. Only trust squirrels.

Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

Probably either Vichy France or the Kingdom of Romania. They were both axis-aligned and used that vertical stripe colour scheme, though in black and white it's hard to know which.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

Optionally you could just throw your money into that hole outside town what breathes. Lotta folks bank there.

Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

There's the Bank of Varmint Vale on the spot where everyone got together an' burnt down the ol' Wells Fargo.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

REVIEW: It kind of sucks and no one should waste their money on that. It's like if someone took Hawaiian Punch and then went "you know what? Let's make this noticeably worse."

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

Can confirm that if you want to eat a girl, you gotta get her all hot and ready first.

Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

It's a good look for you, Horse.

Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

Beautiful canyon view. Easy trail to Varmint Vale. Sound of drums an' faint singin' emerge from no visible source er'ry night. Good grazing' ground. Original discoverer died of never before seen black rot disease an' hungered for human flesh.

Interested please contact Mayor Butler. $2.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 1d

REAL ESTATE: One parcel of land, sized for homestead, two miles SSE of town square as the horse flies. Creek access. Previous owner deceased w/upper half of torso missin', teeth marks indicative of bein' eaten. Previous house destroyed in green(?) fire. Includes immovable carvin' w/glowin' red eyes.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 2d

Its okay. Its only a LITTLE blackmail.

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Azure Eye News @azureeyenews.bsky.social · 2d

You do, though, just just don't remember it the next time around usually.