Author | Lightnews

Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · 13d

on my date last night I tried to do that cute thing where you blow the paper wrapping from the plastic straw at somebody but I did the wrong end and shot the straw right into her eye and scratched her cornea 🙁

Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · 18d

the national guard showed up to Chicago looking like they unsuccessfully tried to Captain America Kyle Rittenhouse

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 20

Sabrina Carpenter: My lips are so sweet you might lose your tongue 😜

Chappel Roan: My pussy is an ogre’s foot 👹

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 18

Literally every single time I hear somebody use the phrase ‘chomping at the bit’ this fuckin guy pops into my head

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 18

My dad was a thought leader and my mom was a sex worker so please forgive me for thinking with my dick

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 17

Men are simple creatures, we only really want three things: French Fries, Criterion Closet, Posu'gelka-pattern needler from Halo with Subanese Crystalline Shards

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 16

Moms will be like “Heard this the other day, I think you’ll really like it” and it’s The Scientist by Coldplay

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 16

prank show where you break into peoples houses with a high pressure power washer and just start blastin’

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 16

Pedro Pascal would do it but be like “whaaaat? Why is everyone laughing??? What is it???” about it

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 12

The evolution of the modern “Karen”began in 1970 when Joni Mitchell released “Big Yellow Taxi” and no I will not elaborate at this time

Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 10

I’m gonna hold off on saying anything about today’s events until I am absolutely sure Trump isn’t planning on building his own Robocop

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 10

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is just Se7en for kids

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 7

Joe Camel punched me in the throat outside of a bar in Louisville, Kentucky after I beat him in a game of darts. Have you ever seen a camel with grey hair? Dude looked strange.

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 5

I fist fought a Cantonese woman over a rhubarb at jewelled osco 我贏咗婊子

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 5

my uber driver just waited for me to get in, looked at me, sighed, and then stuck a ‘baby on board’ sticker on his rear windshield????

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 3

Although I imagine he’d have to be liberal considering his pronouns are mee/sa

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 3

Jar-Jar is a Sith Lord confirmed

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 1

There’s no way he put Eminem down at number six!!!

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 1

bro said fire in the hole

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Sep 1

Mark Buffalo

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Aug 28

playfully snapped my mouth shut at the Dentist like Richard Gere with that jewellery box in Pretty Women and accidentally bit the tip of his dick off 😔

Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Aug 11

there is a nonzero chance that Sydney Sweeney becomes this generations John Wilkes Booth

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Aug 1

how an ‘I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you’ mfr looks at you after you beat his fucking dog to death in a public park

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Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Jul 31

Wait what since when? I have so so so many Renner Bucks left to spend. I thought it was like crypto rules. I can’t seem to access my Renner Wallet either??? I’m so fucked

Adam Nuttesac @cigaregrets.bsky.social · Jul 31

I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!! The government continues to send its agents and intimidators in feeble attempts to wipe me out but I continue to fight them off!! I HAVE A VISION FOR THE FUTURE AND I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I HAVE SEEN IT COME TO FRUITION #feminism

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