Sean Patrick
seanptellsjokes.bsky.social
Sean Patrick
@seanptellsjokes.bsky.social
77 followers 76 following 1.3K posts
I don’t know what your opinion is of European newspapers like Le Monde and Die Welt, but they mean the world to me. https://youtu.be/a7TrgcHupo0?si=x84By3r1pec4o-KT
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What is the fucking point of that whiny little clown Darren Grimes? It’s like if Enoch Powell and Frank Spencer were in “Freaky Friday.” #craftywank
Watching Papillon on tv but it’s not the version I remember. Thirty minutes in and still no sign of Wendy Craig.
Playing the Islamic edition of "Guess Who?" with friends. Quite different.

"Does he have ... eight sides?"
Who does Captain Birdseye have casual sex with?

Fish swingers.

#PutThatInAFuckingCracker
“All you had to do was smash the bloody back doors in!”

Michael Cainal
“So let me get this clear - your partner was initially attracted to you because of your unusually large penis? Then you lost half of said penis in an industrial accident and she left you?”
“Well it’s a bit more complicated than that, but yes, that’s the long and short of it.”
“Mr Patrick - it takes eight years to become a midwife; as a man, you will be very much in the minority; and, while the work is undoubtedly rewarding, it can take an immense toll, physically and emotionally. What’s your motivation for applying?”
“I just really love fannies.”
It’s normal, right, on a lazy Sunday, just to put on the clothes you were wearing last night just to pop out locally? That’s a thing, right?

Because I’m getting some SERIOUSLY weird looks in this cafe, sat here minding my own business in my dead nan’s knickers, bra and corset.
Leave the office in the middle of the afternoon with a big cardboard box. Everyone will think you have been sacked and will avoid eye contact.

You can steal A LOT of stationery that way. Maybe even a laptop.
For Hallowe'en I'm dressing up as an adult who doesn't give a fuck about commercialised American children's pageants.
My brother used to work as a rent boy in the East End. His clients were plumbers, electricians, carpenters ... he used to jack off all trades.
On Tinder, if someone has a dog in their main photo, I tend to swipe left, because dogs can fuck off.

Can anyone else claim to be as shallow and judgemental as this?
As it’s Halloween I’m spending tonight indoors with a big bowl of popcorn watching Carrie. Sure, it’s old school, but to me it remains the most exciting and terrifying of all Cliff Richard’s videos.
Bang-bang-boogie at night - rapper’s delight
Notorious B.I.G. in the morning - rapper’s warning
I don’t mean to boast, but I’ve had sex with more sexy Italian women than you’ve had hot donnas.
“I’ve got a lot to give the right person.”
“You’re looking for love?”
“No, I’m a drug mule.”
I can’t claim to be a massive Shadows fan. My knowledge of their work is Apache at best.
I came here to chew bubblegum and misquote films - and I’m going out for some more bubblegum.
Do you think Woody Allen is actually a paedophile or is he just having a kid-wife crisis?
Told a pumpkin today that it was nearly #Halloween and his face lit up.
Camus wrote a book called "The Myth Of Sisyphus". No myth, mate - my grandad had it. Cairo during the war. Gran was furious.
“I’d love to be a fly on the wall in Madonna’s bathroom!”
“Why?”
“I’m a coprophiliac.”
If smoking's so bad for your health, how come you never see a beagle at the doctor's?
My name is Steven
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes, I think you’ve seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
That’s probably my neighbour Luka
“Actually, the swastika was originally a Hindu symbol for peace.”
“Likewise, the massive spunking cock and bollocks I’ve engraved on your car bonnet was once used in cave paintings to bring fertility.”