Author | Lightnews

Sean Patrick

@seanptellsjokes.bsky.social

77 followers 76 following 1.3K posts

I don’t know what your opinion is of European newspapers like Le Monde and Die Welt, but they mean the world to me. https://youtu.be/a7TrgcHupo0?si=x84By3r1pec4o-KT

youtu.be

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Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 22h

What is the fucking point of that whiny little clown Darren Grimes? It’s like if Enoch Powell and Frank Spencer were in “Freaky Friday.” #craftywank

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 22h

Watching Papillon on tv but it’s not the version I remember. Thirty minutes in and still no sign of Wendy Craig.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 2d

Playing the Islamic edition of "Guess Who?" with friends. Quite different.

"Does he have ... eight sides?"

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 2d

Who does Captain Birdseye have casual sex with?

Fish swingers.

#PutThatInAFuckingCracker

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 2d

“All you had to do was smash the bloody back doors in!”

Michael Cainal

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 2d

“So let me get this clear - your partner was initially attracted to you because of your unusually large penis? Then you lost half of said penis in an industrial accident and she left you?”
“Well it’s a bit more complicated than that, but yes, that’s the long and short of it.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 2d

“Mr Patrick - it takes eight years to become a midwife; as a man, you will be very much in the minority; and, while the work is undoubtedly rewarding, it can take an immense toll, physically and emotionally. What’s your motivation for applying?”
“I just really love fannies.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 2d

It’s normal, right, on a lazy Sunday, just to put on the clothes you were wearing last night just to pop out locally? That’s a thing, right?

Because I’m getting some SERIOUSLY weird looks in this cafe, sat here minding my own business in my dead nan’s knickers, bra and corset.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 3d

Leave the office in the middle of the afternoon with a big cardboard box. Everyone will think you have been sacked and will avoid eye contact.

You can steal A LOT of stationery that way. Maybe even a laptop.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 4d

For Hallowe'en I'm dressing up as an adult who doesn't give a fuck about commercialised American children's pageants.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 4d

My brother used to work as a rent boy in the East End. His clients were plumbers, electricians, carpenters ... he used to jack off all trades.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 4d

On Tinder, if someone has a dog in their main photo, I tend to swipe left, because dogs can fuck off.

Can anyone else claim to be as shallow and judgemental as this?

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 5d

As it’s Halloween I’m spending tonight indoors with a big bowl of popcorn watching Carrie. Sure, it’s old school, but to me it remains the most exciting and terrifying of all Cliff Richard’s videos.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 5d

Bang-bang-boogie at night - rapper’s delight
Notorious B.I.G. in the morning - rapper’s warning

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 6d

I don’t mean to boast, but I’ve had sex with more sexy Italian women than you’ve had hot donnas.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 6d

“I’ve got a lot to give the right person.”
“You’re looking for love?”
“No, I’m a drug mule.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 6d

I can’t claim to be a massive Shadows fan. My knowledge of their work is Apache at best.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 7d

I came here to chew bubblegum and misquote films - and I’m going out for some more bubblegum.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 7d

Do you think Woody Allen is actually a paedophile or is he just having a kid-wife crisis?

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 7d

Told a pumpkin today that it was nearly #Halloween and his face lit up.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 10d

Camus wrote a book called "The Myth Of Sisyphus". No myth, mate - my grandad had it. Cairo during the war. Gran was furious.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 10d

“I’d love to be a fly on the wall in Madonna’s bathroom!”
“Why?”
“I’m a coprophiliac.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

If smoking's so bad for your health, how come you never see a beagle at the doctor's?

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 12d

My name is Steven
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes, I think you’ve seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
That’s probably my neighbour Luka

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 14d

“Actually, the swastika was originally a Hindu symbol for peace.”
“Likewise, the massive spunking cock and bollocks I’ve engraved on your car bonnet was once used in cave paintings to bring fertility.”