Author | Lightnews

Leslie Gaar

@thelesliegaar.bsky.social

280 followers 26 following 420 posts

Performer. Writer. Serial plant killer. Austin, TX @mcsweeneys @WashingtonPost @BuzzFeed @TODAYParents @JimHensonCo

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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · Jun 2

My phone just auto-corrected 'especially' to 'Dostoevsky' because when you're cultured AF like me, you replace adverbs with 19th century Russian novelists.

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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 3h

My Louvre jewel thief work-life balance joke has made its way to LinkedIn, and I’d like to apologize in advance for all the insufferable posts it’s going to inspire.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 18h

A haunted house but it’s just someone talking about intermittent fasting

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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 2d

The fact that the Louvre heist didn’t take place at dawn, but at the very reasonable hour of 9:30 a.m. shows that even French jewel thieves have a better work-life balance than us.

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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 3d

7 million people coming together to joyfully, peacefully say that, in spite of it all, they are not afraid, reminds me of this scene.

Don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t matter.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 3d

The real winners today are the people telling everyone else they’re not doing enough.

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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 3d

The fact that so many people in this country think protesting means you hate the U.S. is yet another example of how fucked up nationalism is. Blind allegiance, apathy, and inertia are dangerous in any relationship. If you care about something, you work- loudly, fiercely at times- to make it better.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 4d

The people at the No Kings protests in little towns are truly inspiring. As someone who’s lived in a ruby red north Texas town and big blue Austin, let me tell you: It’s easy to show up when you’re surrounded by likeminded people. Doing it when you are outnumbered is true bravery.

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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 5d

A haunted house but it’s just wallpapered with your old Facebook posts.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 5d

😂

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 5d

The Brokeback Mountain remake looks amazing 🤩

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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 6d

Do y’all think Prince wrote “Nothing Compares 2 U” about original Oreos because the other flavors are such a disappointment

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 7d

I once applied for a copy writing job where I had to explain in 150 characters why I was unique. I was so tired of jumping through hoops that I submitted this “haiku.”

My words bring all the
Boys to the yard- and they’re like
It’s better than yours

Never heard back from them. I regret nothing. ✌️

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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 9d

Me at 26: Sweet! This shot has twice the alcohol, so I can get drunk faster!

Me at 46: Sweet! This yogurt has twice the protein, so I can hit my daily goal faster!

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 11d

• 6’5”
• Legs for days
• Perpetually erect

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 11d

Someone just texted me to "call in the afternoon so we can work out the details" and now I have to fake my own death.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 12d

If circumcision caused autism, shit would run a lot smoother around here.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 15d

The people at the table next to me were speaking Spanish, notably annoying the couple at another table, so I switched to Spanish, too.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 15d

Stephen Miller looks like his favorite food would be gray. Not like the color, but an actual plate of gloom.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 17d

Gonna offer my Spanish tutoring services to the next person I see complaining about Bad Bunny’s songs not being in English. Help me help you, babe! ☺️

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 17d

Writing is rewriting. Also reassessing your life choices.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 18d

Post a less than stellar review of a Taylor Swift album? No thanks, I’ll stick to the less controversial topics of religion, politics, and gluten.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 20d

GOP blaming the government shutdown on the radical left 🤝 Toddlers blaming their imaginary friend for painting the dog red

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 21d

Hope whatever those comics got paid to do the Riyadh show was enough to last them the rest of their careers.

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 27d

This whole “anti-ICE” bullet debacle is just further proof that there’s no substitute for good writers. Pay 👏 your 👏 freelancers. 👏

Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 28d

Girl, you are growing at least one entire human being. You don’t have to “tough out” jack shit. You are already tough af.