Anyway, if you’d like to support me with mutual aid, that would be so appreciated, times are about to get weird. My ko-fi is ko-fi.com/yraceauntie

But you know what would really help? I now have to focus 100% of my energy on my own health. I can’t fight this bill. If you can, please do 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

The good news is I’ve been focusing on my health pretty hardcore over the past year, I’m 50lbs lighter than I was and feel like I’m getting a handle on my nutrition. The bad news is the reward for this was supposed to be a boob reduction, now I’m gonna have Barbie proportions 😭😭😭

And I’ll be cancelling my steroid epidural later in the month. Even if it’s covered at the time, I sure don’t want a retroactive bill for a procedure like that. And I guess I’m cancelling with the urologist, too, sure can’t afford any procedures there, either.

I have a MyChart message into my PharmD about alternate ways to afford my medications with no income and no insurance. Of course they did this on a holiday weekend, and who knows when they’ll yank coverage, so we’ll see if I even have coverage by the time I can talk to her…

And that’s just the physical stuff! I also need accommodations for my AuDHD, dyscalculia, anxiety, depression… yeah, the US government has still decided I’m fit to work 40 hour weeks 49 weeks/year. And will withhold the medications and procedures that treat all these conditions until I do.

To recap why that’s a bad thing, my disabilities:
- severe joint hypermobility w/ chronic muscle spasms
- central sensitization syndrome/fibromyalgia
- myelomalacia at T10-12 & hx severe cerebrospinal fluid leak
- chronic radiculopathy at L5S1
- chronic daily migraine
- severe hypertension

Hi. I’m still on break. I definitely need to protect my peace more than ever right now, but this seemed like a good time to drop in w/ an update.

I learned last week that I was denied US SSI Disability again. Which means I likely lost my healthcare coverage yesterday.

You may or may not have noticed I’m on a break. Mental health reasons. iceheart.11 on Signal if you need to get a hold of me.

- anyway, I spent a lot of my life suspecting my brain worked differently, but not realizing how and how much, mostly because no one ever thought to talk about their internal lives like that. Hopefully, if you can relate to this, it helps you feel less alone out here in the physical world 💗

- you’re probably wondering where my books are, and I am not about to let anything in my head escape. Also, stories in my head are fluid and have a useful purpose, stories on paper are static, and I can’t tell a static story. Yeah. I could be a bestselling author with this, but nope, full disability

This also came with a side of OCD & intrusive thoughts for me. Which are a lot when you’re experiencing them with a brain that fires internally on all cylinders 100% of the time.
- you can see why I had a months long panic attack when I learned about the concept of the tulpa 😅😅

- yeah, that is something dangerous you have to be hyper vigilant about, especially since this is a common ✨girl adhd✨ issue. You see the problem.

I can thankfully be interrupted and snap back to verbal real quick, but I’ve met some small kids who can’t and also can’t regulate an interruption, and I’ll bet I was just as freaked out as they were if interrupted as a kid. The thoughts go DEEP. The surroundings get lost.

- this is why I’m so good in liminal spaces. Flights, car rides, waiting rooms, I am perfectly fine with getting lost in my thoughts for a while. Music, no music, doesn’t matter. I can conjure up music in my head, too, any song I’ve ever heard.

- going nonverbal and spacing out for HOURS, seriously can be whole days, because your brain wants to hyperfocus on something very internal and GET INSIDE NOW. Doesn’t matter that you’re at school or work, or hanging out with friends. You’re going to have a divided attention if any attention at all.

During the daytime? I have always judged low dopamine reward “brainless” tasks by how much brain power I have to put into the task, and how much I could put into what was going on in my head.
- this keeps me from driving, my brain judges that a low attention task when it’s Clearly Not.

- if I wake up in the middle of the night to pee? Total crapshoot if I can wind down again before I need to be awake. So, I’ve had chronic insomnia my whole life.

Waking up? Total transition nightmare. Warm & comfy + imagination kicks in and makes you want to stay in bed all day and think.

- which means I’ve needed to work 2-3 hours of wind down into my sleep schedule my whole life.
- any noise? Even white noise? Too distracting for my brain, will not allow me to fall asleep. I know a lot of folks are the opposite.

- it’s kept me awake at least since 2 years old.
- I had to learn to channel it into one thing to focus on, usually a story to tell myself as I fall asleep, which happened around 5 years old.
- it still takes me minimum one hour to fall asleep, two is more realistic.

A description of my #AuDHD hyper-imagination. Because I realize that likely a good number of dedicated bed rotters are actually doing what I used to do as a teenager. And have been doing for the past few hours.