Audrey Burges
@audreyburges.bsky.social
Author, THE MINUSCULE MANSION OF MYRA MALONE (2023) & A HOUSE LIKE AN ACCORDION (2024); scribbler of humor, flash, & pretty flowers; thinks you're awesome
In my latest for @mcsweeneys.net, I declare myself a fashion influencer by never wearing pants ever again. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
How Our Pants Fit
To determine whether your body will fit our pants, please use this sizing guide.
Our pants are measured in cubits. The cubit is a unit of measureme...
www.mcsweeneys.net
February 20, 2025 at 12:25 AM
In my latest for @mcsweeneys.net, I declare myself a fashion influencer by never wearing pants ever again. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
Happy second birthday to my firstborn book, The Minuscule Mansion of Myra Malone. I’m still so very proud of you. www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/708472...
The Minuscule Mansion of Myra Malone by Audrey Burges: 9780593546475 | PenguinRandomHouse.com: Books
A woman learns to expand the boundaries of her small world and let love inside it in this sparkling and unforgettable novel by Audrey Burges. From her attic in the Arizona mountains, thirty-four-yea...
www.penguinrandomhouse.com
January 25, 2025 at 12:34 AM
Happy second birthday to my firstborn book, The Minuscule Mansion of Myra Malone. I’m still so very proud of you. www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/708472...
Every cup of coffee is a new opportunity to learn that I actually have no idea where my own mouth is.
January 13, 2025 at 1:00 PM
Every cup of coffee is a new opportunity to learn that I actually have no idea where my own mouth is.
This resonates with me so, so very much. I laughed so hard at “he could never fully consume the amount of Train his brain wanted and that made a small part of him burn with rage.” And the sudden disappearance of those things is why I always weep at things like Inside Out. And lots of other things.
The Pomegranate launched last week with an inaugural essay from @clhubes.bsky.social. Enjoy her poignant piece and then subscribe so you don't miss what comes next!
www.the-pom.com/p/trains-and...
www.the-pom.com/p/trains-and...
Trains and New Beginnings
an essay by Lucy Huber
www.the-pom.com
January 8, 2025 at 11:07 PM
This resonates with me so, so very much. I laughed so hard at “he could never fully consume the amount of Train his brain wanted and that made a small part of him burn with rage.” And the sudden disappearance of those things is why I always weep at things like Inside Out. And lots of other things.
Reposted by Audrey Burges
The Pomegranate launched last week with an inaugural essay from @clhubes.bsky.social. Enjoy her poignant piece and then subscribe so you don't miss what comes next!
www.the-pom.com/p/trains-and...
www.the-pom.com/p/trains-and...
Trains and New Beginnings
an essay by Lucy Huber
www.the-pom.com
January 7, 2025 at 8:36 PM
The Pomegranate launched last week with an inaugural essay from @clhubes.bsky.social. Enjoy her poignant piece and then subscribe so you don't miss what comes next!
www.the-pom.com/p/trains-and...
www.the-pom.com/p/trains-and...
Is the Wallpaper I’m Hanging Really Stuck On Yet? A Home Improvement Guide
Step One: No, it fucking isn’t
Step One: No, it fucking isn’t
January 6, 2025 at 11:46 PM
Is the Wallpaper I’m Hanging Really Stuck On Yet? A Home Improvement Guide
Step One: No, it fucking isn’t
Step One: No, it fucking isn’t
For NYE, Should Old Acquaintance suggest anything other than jammies by 8:30, sipping a festive beverage of your choice, prior to a reasonable bedtime in your own bed…
…they should definitely Be Forgot and Never Brought to Mind.
…they should definitely Be Forgot and Never Brought to Mind.
December 31, 2024 at 11:55 PM
For NYE, Should Old Acquaintance suggest anything other than jammies by 8:30, sipping a festive beverage of your choice, prior to a reasonable bedtime in your own bed…
…they should definitely Be Forgot and Never Brought to Mind.
…they should definitely Be Forgot and Never Brought to Mind.
Good news guys, I bought a new journal so everything’s all fixed now
December 29, 2024 at 3:34 AM
Good news guys, I bought a new journal so everything’s all fixed now
I Went to Costco the Sunday Before Christmas
And All I Got was these Lousy Heart Palpitations
And All I Got was these Lousy Heart Palpitations
December 22, 2024 at 9:39 PM
I Went to Costco the Sunday Before Christmas
And All I Got was these Lousy Heart Palpitations
And All I Got was these Lousy Heart Palpitations
No one so hungry as the kid who loudly insisted, repeatedly, when asked, that they were not hungry - before arriving in a place where getting food is difficult.
December 21, 2024 at 6:58 PM
No one so hungry as the kid who loudly insisted, repeatedly, when asked, that they were not hungry - before arriving in a place where getting food is difficult.
Look, you can either moisturize your face, or you can see through your glasses. You can’t do both. I don’t make the rules.
December 18, 2024 at 11:35 AM
Look, you can either moisturize your face, or you can see through your glasses. You can’t do both. I don’t make the rules.
Look at this tote bag I made from real fabric on an actual sewing machine! I am likely to tote things VERY CONSPICUOUSLY in an effort to get people to ask me where I got my tote bag. (The fabric was scrap from ScrapRVA, which is a wonderland.)
December 17, 2024 at 11:34 AM
Look at this tote bag I made from real fabric on an actual sewing machine! I am likely to tote things VERY CONSPICUOUSLY in an effort to get people to ask me where I got my tote bag. (The fabric was scrap from ScrapRVA, which is a wonderland.)
POV: it’s cold but your hands aren’t because your mom knits a mean pair of fingerless gloves
December 16, 2024 at 1:55 PM
POV: it’s cold but your hands aren’t because your mom knits a mean pair of fingerless gloves
POV: it’s cold but your hands aren’t because your mom knits a mean pair of fingerless gloves
December 16, 2024 at 1:54 PM
POV: it’s cold but your hands aren’t because your mom knits a mean pair of fingerless gloves
Anyone who doesn’t believe in multiverses or time travel has never met a mom coordinating schedules in December.
December 15, 2024 at 1:49 PM
Anyone who doesn’t believe in multiverses or time travel has never met a mom coordinating schedules in December.
Gonna start a company called “Ugh, PANTS” for people who can never find pants that fit right. These won’t fit right either, but at least you’ll know we hate it too.
December 11, 2024 at 11:34 AM
Gonna start a company called “Ugh, PANTS” for people who can never find pants that fit right. These won’t fit right either, but at least you’ll know we hate it too.
Hard to think of a better birthday gift than landing my 25th piece in @mcsweeneys.net (other than landing a successful Kickstarter to actually develop this thermostat). www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Introducing the First-Ever Smart Thermostat for Perimenopausal People
Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any spac...
www.mcsweeneys.net
December 9, 2024 at 8:25 PM
Hard to think of a better birthday gift than landing my 25th piece in @mcsweeneys.net (other than landing a successful Kickstarter to actually develop this thermostat). www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Reposted by Audrey Burges
"Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any space to 28 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously warming it to 114."
Introducing the First-Ever Smart Thermostat for Perimenopausal People
Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any spac...
buff.ly
December 9, 2024 at 7:30 PM
"Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any space to 28 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously warming it to 114."
On the 9th day of Advent, McSweeney's gave to me…my own little Nutcracker piece in a tiny book! Since today is, coincidentally, my birthday, this was a delightful surprise. If you don’t have the calendar, you can still read the piece here: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/her...
@mcsweeneys.net
@mcsweeneys.net
December 9, 2024 at 1:12 PM
On the 9th day of Advent, McSweeney's gave to me…my own little Nutcracker piece in a tiny book! Since today is, coincidentally, my birthday, this was a delightful surprise. If you don’t have the calendar, you can still read the piece here: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/her...
@mcsweeneys.net
@mcsweeneys.net
Reposted by Audrey Burges
"The partners assigned to you are always wet behind the ears and constantly asking questions."
Are You Baking Cookies with Children or Starring in a Gritty Crime Procedural?
1. Every single surface of the room is sticky and coated with a fine, white powder. 2. You’ve shouted, “Don’t touch that! Bag that up right now! Ba...
buff.ly
December 6, 2024 at 2:00 AM
"The partners assigned to you are always wet behind the ears and constantly asking questions."
Tonight’s throwback holiday humornament is for all of you who may have fallen behind on the whole decking-the-halls thing and need help to pull off the job: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/are...
Are You Decorating for the Holidays with Children, or Playing the Lead in a Heist Movie?
1. After last year’s big job, you swore you were done. You were hanging it all up and storing that stuff in a closet. Nothing flashy for you. Not a...
www.mcsweeneys.net
December 7, 2024 at 1:10 AM
Tonight’s throwback holiday humornament is for all of you who may have fallen behind on the whole decking-the-halls thing and need help to pull off the job: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/are...
I know we don’t believe in holiday miracles, but my kids have asked for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner every night this week, so we may want to reconsider
December 6, 2024 at 11:50 PM
I know we don’t believe in holiday miracles, but my kids have asked for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner every night this week, so we may want to reconsider
I really appreciate those little clips and ties that keep my kids’ gloves together so they can lose them both at the same time
December 6, 2024 at 12:56 PM
I really appreciate those little clips and ties that keep my kids’ gloves together so they can lose them both at the same time
Carol of the Bells is just “Pachelbel’s Canon (Christmas Remix)” and no I will not explain
December 5, 2024 at 11:53 PM
Carol of the Bells is just “Pachelbel’s Canon (Christmas Remix)” and no I will not explain
Weather’s got a lot of nerve being this cold and not snowing
December 5, 2024 at 11:50 PM
Weather’s got a lot of nerve being this cold and not snowing