Valksy
@valksy.bsky.social
Junk shop mind - The contents are mostly random, broken, filthy or have bits missing. Occasionally there is something of value. She/her.
been a month since any contact with psych unit
guess i fell thru the cracks again
psych nurse promised this would never happen again
that was bollocks then =(
end of the line. i guess this is where i just give up - no more, if just when.
dunno i even care
guess i fell thru the cracks again
psych nurse promised this would never happen again
that was bollocks then =(
end of the line. i guess this is where i just give up - no more, if just when.
dunno i even care
December 1, 2025 at 9:19 PM
been a month since any contact with psych unit
guess i fell thru the cracks again
psych nurse promised this would never happen again
that was bollocks then =(
end of the line. i guess this is where i just give up - no more, if just when.
dunno i even care
guess i fell thru the cracks again
psych nurse promised this would never happen again
that was bollocks then =(
end of the line. i guess this is where i just give up - no more, if just when.
dunno i even care
….solution right now probably isn’t sitting around in your boxers with your head in your hands. Get up, twat.
December 1, 2025 at 12:30 PM
….solution right now probably isn’t sitting around in your boxers with your head in your hands. Get up, twat.
I don’t have a solution
😞
😞
December 1, 2025 at 12:24 PM
I don’t have a solution
😞
😞
But I’m worried I can’t get out of my own way again
I don’t know the answer. I don’t have that motivational impetus.
I don’t know the answer. I don’t have that motivational impetus.
December 1, 2025 at 12:23 PM
But I’m worried I can’t get out of my own way again
I don’t know the answer. I don’t have that motivational impetus.
I don’t know the answer. I don’t have that motivational impetus.
What I want more than anything is a motivational nudge to cross the finish line. Get there and then figure it out.
I have some ideas to try and repair some of the mental injury I sustained especially younger
I have to fix me, god knows there’s nothing else
I have some ideas to try and repair some of the mental injury I sustained especially younger
I have to fix me, god knows there’s nothing else
December 1, 2025 at 12:21 PM
What I want more than anything is a motivational nudge to cross the finish line. Get there and then figure it out.
I have some ideas to try and repair some of the mental injury I sustained especially younger
I have to fix me, god knows there’s nothing else
I have some ideas to try and repair some of the mental injury I sustained especially younger
I have to fix me, god knows there’s nothing else
I won’t go through this again. I’m not sure what the answer is. I don’t know how to fix it.
December 1, 2025 at 12:19 PM
I won’t go through this again. I’m not sure what the answer is. I don’t know how to fix it.
Am concerned that the proximity to endgame - end of January should do - triggered a crisis
I don’t know how to be that person
I’m worried I’m capable of self-sabotaging in order to NOT reach a finish line I really want to reach.
I don’t know how to be that person
I’m worried I’m capable of self-sabotaging in order to NOT reach a finish line I really want to reach.
December 1, 2025 at 12:18 PM
Am concerned that the proximity to endgame - end of January should do - triggered a crisis
I don’t know how to be that person
I’m worried I’m capable of self-sabotaging in order to NOT reach a finish line I really want to reach.
I don’t know how to be that person
I’m worried I’m capable of self-sabotaging in order to NOT reach a finish line I really want to reach.
So close to ultimate target which is about midpoint in BMI range (I know that’s a spurious scale for various reasons but be naive to think medical establishments don’t use it)
December 1, 2025 at 12:16 PM
So close to ultimate target which is about midpoint in BMI range (I know that’s a spurious scale for various reasons but be naive to think medical establishments don’t use it)
On 1 Jan 2025 I clocked in at 131.2kg (288.64lb)
On 1 Dec 2025 - 64.2kg (141.24lb)
Loss of 67kg or 147.4lb
Under no circumstances would I recommend this, it is a radical and sustained crash.
Again
My head has not been in a safe place, restriction needed to be over. I couldn’t take 20-24 months
On 1 Dec 2025 - 64.2kg (141.24lb)
Loss of 67kg or 147.4lb
Under no circumstances would I recommend this, it is a radical and sustained crash.
Again
My head has not been in a safe place, restriction needed to be over. I couldn’t take 20-24 months
December 1, 2025 at 12:15 PM
On 1 Jan 2025 I clocked in at 131.2kg (288.64lb)
On 1 Dec 2025 - 64.2kg (141.24lb)
Loss of 67kg or 147.4lb
Under no circumstances would I recommend this, it is a radical and sustained crash.
Again
My head has not been in a safe place, restriction needed to be over. I couldn’t take 20-24 months
On 1 Dec 2025 - 64.2kg (141.24lb)
Loss of 67kg or 147.4lb
Under no circumstances would I recommend this, it is a radical and sustained crash.
Again
My head has not been in a safe place, restriction needed to be over. I couldn’t take 20-24 months
I was also pretty sure - couldn’t cope with restriction AND taking eating disorder. That wouldn’t work. I knew it.
So restriction and loss first - and it needed to be a go hard situation because I DONT feel safe most of the time
No I didn’t see a doctor, don’t like them.
So restriction and loss first - and it needed to be a go hard situation because I DONT feel safe most of the time
No I didn’t see a doctor, don’t like them.
December 1, 2025 at 12:10 PM
I was also pretty sure - couldn’t cope with restriction AND taking eating disorder. That wouldn’t work. I knew it.
So restriction and loss first - and it needed to be a go hard situation because I DONT feel safe most of the time
No I didn’t see a doctor, don’t like them.
So restriction and loss first - and it needed to be a go hard situation because I DONT feel safe most of the time
No I didn’t see a doctor, don’t like them.
In the 4 and a half years or so since target and the early decision making and setting up for a jan 1 2025 start I had put in every bloody pound I had lost
😞
It was devastating
😞
It was devastating
December 1, 2025 at 12:08 PM
In the 4 and a half years or so since target and the early decision making and setting up for a jan 1 2025 start I had put in every bloody pound I had lost
😞
It was devastating
😞
It was devastating
This time, with my mental health the worst it has ever been, a protracted attack of binge eating disorder pushing me into the realm of this 2 diabetes and a concern over future health consequences and logistics of tgat existence that I don’t want I knew I had to try again.
December 1, 2025 at 12:07 PM
This time, with my mental health the worst it has ever been, a protracted attack of binge eating disorder pushing me into the realm of this 2 diabetes and a concern over future health consequences and logistics of tgat existence that I don’t want I knew I had to try again.
So hitting endgame should have felt great
And it did. I remember that.
And then my mind shattered. I couldn’t sustain it, I had always been a person who was morbidly obese and needed to lose weight and couldn’t understand myself as different (so dysmorphic I couldn’t even see it)
And it did. I remember that.
And then my mind shattered. I couldn’t sustain it, I had always been a person who was morbidly obese and needed to lose weight and couldn’t understand myself as different (so dysmorphic I couldn’t even see it)
December 1, 2025 at 12:05 PM
So hitting endgame should have felt great
And it did. I remember that.
And then my mind shattered. I couldn’t sustain it, I had always been a person who was morbidly obese and needed to lose weight and couldn’t understand myself as different (so dysmorphic I couldn’t even see it)
And it did. I remember that.
And then my mind shattered. I couldn’t sustain it, I had always been a person who was morbidly obese and needed to lose weight and couldn’t understand myself as different (so dysmorphic I couldn’t even see it)
Throughout my life I lost and re-gained varying amounts of weight and never didn’t struggle. I hated it and it harmed me. I was bulimic (the bad kind) in my 20s and got so unwell i collapsed
December 1, 2025 at 12:03 PM
Throughout my life I lost and re-gained varying amounts of weight and never didn’t struggle. I hated it and it harmed me. I was bulimic (the bad kind) in my 20s and got so unwell i collapsed
So. In the spring of 2020 I think, I hit my target weight for the first time in my life. Having been morbidly obese since age 6 and subject to the use of food as a violence, neglectful, emotional abuse tool (there’s a reason I don’t detect hunger or full, this is why)
December 1, 2025 at 12:02 PM
So. In the spring of 2020 I think, I hit my target weight for the first time in my life. Having been morbidly obese since age 6 and subject to the use of food as a violence, neglectful, emotional abuse tool (there’s a reason I don’t detect hunger or full, this is why)
I think I know what happened
And I don’t know what to do.
And I don’t know what to do.
December 1, 2025 at 12:00 PM
I think I know what happened
And I don’t know what to do.
And I don’t know what to do.
In fact I know that the distance and kcal in final tally don’t match what the watch recorded - excess of about 30kcal and 600 metres
I cn say I did that, because I did. It’s real information. Just noting differences between total as seen by the watch and that which is within a clocked 60.
I cn say I did that, because I did. It’s real information. Just noting differences between total as seen by the watch and that which is within a clocked 60.
December 1, 2025 at 11:47 AM
In fact I know that the distance and kcal in final tally don’t match what the watch recorded - excess of about 30kcal and 600 metres
I cn say I did that, because I did. It’s real information. Just noting differences between total as seen by the watch and that which is within a clocked 60.
I cn say I did that, because I did. It’s real information. Just noting differences between total as seen by the watch and that which is within a clocked 60.
60 treadmill 105av, 130 max
Watch app in watch mode 505 kcal (suspect)
8.3km
Long walk off pauses minute 27 and 33, uncertain bpm match restart. Onset potential panic attack(resisted). Finished walking briskly, not slow jog (no total belt clearance)
Horrible horrible effort. Unknown cause.
Watch app in watch mode 505 kcal (suspect)
8.3km
Long walk off pauses minute 27 and 33, uncertain bpm match restart. Onset potential panic attack(resisted). Finished walking briskly, not slow jog (no total belt clearance)
Horrible horrible effort. Unknown cause.
December 1, 2025 at 11:44 AM
60 treadmill 105av, 130 max
Watch app in watch mode 505 kcal (suspect)
8.3km
Long walk off pauses minute 27 and 33, uncertain bpm match restart. Onset potential panic attack(resisted). Finished walking briskly, not slow jog (no total belt clearance)
Horrible horrible effort. Unknown cause.
Watch app in watch mode 505 kcal (suspect)
8.3km
Long walk off pauses minute 27 and 33, uncertain bpm match restart. Onset potential panic attack(resisted). Finished walking briskly, not slow jog (no total belt clearance)
Horrible horrible effort. Unknown cause.
Come on
Way too cold to hang about in an unheated space in a wet shirt
Please just try. Don’t give up. Just 11 kcal and 27 and a half minutes off 300/60
It’s done. You just have to do it.
Way too cold to hang about in an unheated space in a wet shirt
Please just try. Don’t give up. Just 11 kcal and 27 and a half minutes off 300/60
It’s done. You just have to do it.
December 1, 2025 at 11:04 AM
Come on
Way too cold to hang about in an unheated space in a wet shirt
Please just try. Don’t give up. Just 11 kcal and 27 and a half minutes off 300/60
It’s done. You just have to do it.
Way too cold to hang about in an unheated space in a wet shirt
Please just try. Don’t give up. Just 11 kcal and 27 and a half minutes off 300/60
It’s done. You just have to do it.
Pretty sure, though cannot explain, that was the beginning of a panic attack. Why.
It’s not a physical thing, we is heart is under monitoring
But THREAT THREAT THREAT is a fire alarm in my head. Why
It’s not a physical thing, we is heart is under monitoring
But THREAT THREAT THREAT is a fire alarm in my head. Why
December 1, 2025 at 11:01 AM
Pretty sure, though cannot explain, that was the beginning of a panic attack. Why.
It’s not a physical thing, we is heart is under monitoring
But THREAT THREAT THREAT is a fire alarm in my head. Why
It’s not a physical thing, we is heart is under monitoring
But THREAT THREAT THREAT is a fire alarm in my head. Why
Walk around? Good stretch. It’s just 27 minutes. That’s all - 5 splits and change and it’s done what the fuck is WRONG with you.
December 1, 2025 at 10:46 AM
Walk around? Good stretch. It’s just 27 minutes. That’s all - 5 splits and change and it’s done what the fuck is WRONG with you.
Fucking brick wall. Wtf. Pause at minute 27 again minute 33 and sitting with my head in my hands.
You have to do this, you’ll hit 300 easy , almost there but you have to do it
It’s not physical stress. Mind is not engaging.
You have to do this, you’ll hit 300 easy , almost there but you have to do it
It’s not physical stress. Mind is not engaging.
December 1, 2025 at 10:45 AM
Fucking brick wall. Wtf. Pause at minute 27 again minute 33 and sitting with my head in my hands.
You have to do this, you’ll hit 300 easy , almost there but you have to do it
It’s not physical stress. Mind is not engaging.
You have to do this, you’ll hit 300 easy , almost there but you have to do it
It’s not physical stress. Mind is not engaging.
whoa
that's different. total physical refusal
laid out my gear and was getting ready and whole body noped
fine
call it a false start
take a pause, grab coffee, scroll 10 minutes. restart the ritual and try again
nothing else to do anyway
that's different. total physical refusal
laid out my gear and was getting ready and whole body noped
fine
call it a false start
take a pause, grab coffee, scroll 10 minutes. restart the ritual and try again
nothing else to do anyway
December 1, 2025 at 9:11 AM
whoa
that's different. total physical refusal
laid out my gear and was getting ready and whole body noped
fine
call it a false start
take a pause, grab coffee, scroll 10 minutes. restart the ritual and try again
nothing else to do anyway
that's different. total physical refusal
laid out my gear and was getting ready and whole body noped
fine
call it a false start
take a pause, grab coffee, scroll 10 minutes. restart the ritual and try again
nothing else to do anyway
Reposted by Valksy
Does it hit different if you are someone who recognises the narrative
First time I heard it I had to sit with it for a while
I never ended up passed out in an alley but good grief, a gut punch.
First time I heard it I had to sit with it for a while
I never ended up passed out in an alley but good grief, a gut punch.
December 1, 2025 at 6:23 AM
Does it hit different if you are someone who recognises the narrative
First time I heard it I had to sit with it for a while
I never ended up passed out in an alley but good grief, a gut punch.
First time I heard it I had to sit with it for a while
I never ended up passed out in an alley but good grief, a gut punch.