As long as I remind myself of this goal and don't get too overwhelmed by daily life to persue it I think I'll be fine.
Oh, and don't get used to the profile pic. That'll be changing soon

Basically the yearning for community I felt is much weaker and I'm not anywhere near as emotional. I still do want to make friends (or more) but it doesn't feel like something I absolutely have to do right this second or I'll die.

Stopping prog was absolutely the right decision. Idk how much of this is placebo or not, but I feel like 90+% of my anxiety has gone away and I've been able to focus on activities I actually want to do. Stopping has had an effect on my personality though, so my fears were kinda warrented.

For context, I used to go by Red Enby cause I was nonbinary and bad at coming up with names. I no longer consider myself nonbinary but am still really bad at names, thus my new name is just my nickname and my last name. I'll probably make a pinned intro post soon

If I kept taking it till I ran out of my current supply, I'd run out 2 days before my planned next attempt at a social event. Wouldn't wanna use that as an excuse to chicken out.
I do actually have something good to say but I'll save that for later outside of a vent thread.

Depression fucking sucks.
Speaking of, update on the prog thing. I forgot to take it last night so I'm just gonna quit now. Saw a video yesterday by FairyPrincessLucy where she described how it gave her basically the same symptoms so I'm gonna take the risk on the possible personality change.

finish The Dispossessed, get back into Malazan, beat the castlevania games I skipped, get stalker gamma back up on running on the new os, go through FiM again, ds9, actually organize my music, the list goes on. Instead of any of that, I've just been flipping through bsky and tumblr all morning.

The patches that didn't make the cut this time. For future projects or the back of the bag some day. I'm actually trying to get away from the all black and band logos on everything that I've been doing for (ugh) 20 years now so probably gonna keep it to accessories for now.

Bag done. Probably not gonna do the back. I'm getting faster at this but no matter how many times I prick myself, my stabbing resistance doesn't go up.

That's also why the advice of going to a queer bar doesn't help me despite it seemingly solving all my desires for community. Even if I did work up the courage to go, I don't trust myself around alcohol anymore.

This is why I try and avoid any mind altering substance. I really hate not knowing if my thoughts are really my own or just a byproduct of a substance. It's one reason why I don't drink or smoke anymore. The other being past addiction.

I'm worried that the "increased libido" people talk about is actually manifesting in me as my recent desire to find friends and that once I stop I'll return to my self isolating ways. Unfortunately the anxiety it gives me keeps me from acting and just leads to more depression.

First draft of next project. Not sure what I'll do on the other side. My old main back patch fits horizontally but I think I'd rather fill the space with the rest of my patches and just leave room for more in the future