Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
I’m Bob. My penis is 4 inches but thick as a beer can, has 2 heads and can kill a pair of doves from 17 feet.
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
Kind of.
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
Kind of.
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Pinned
Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
· Nov 23
I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut.
It's your own hand though, and you have to be discreet.
It's your own hand though, and you have to be discreet.
Reposted by Bob Heller
What’s the German word for when you eat cake with your hands & cry in the grocery store parking lot
December 2, 2025 at 5:11 AM
What’s the German word for when you eat cake with your hands & cry in the grocery store parking lot
Reposted by Bob Heller
I'm like an animal in bed.
I will step on your privates and inadvertently put my butt hole in your face.
I will step on your privates and inadvertently put my butt hole in your face.
November 25, 2024 at 6:37 AM
I'm like an animal in bed.
I will step on your privates and inadvertently put my butt hole in your face.
I will step on your privates and inadvertently put my butt hole in your face.
Reposted by Bob Heller
whoever invented beds was a fucking genius. i’m just all cozied up in here, like you don’t even know how cozy i am
December 2, 2025 at 6:21 AM
whoever invented beds was a fucking genius. i’m just all cozied up in here, like you don’t even know how cozy i am
Reposted by Bob Heller
putting on a red shirt and goin g into target and telling all the customers that I don't work there
December 1, 2025 at 9:30 PM
putting on a red shirt and goin g into target and telling all the customers that I don't work there
In the land of milk and honey, lactose intolerant people with bee allergies are even bigger pussies.
December 2, 2025 at 1:17 AM
In the land of milk and honey, lactose intolerant people with bee allergies are even bigger pussies.
Reposted by Bob Heller
honey, pass me my posting jorts, i’m ready to log on again.
December 2, 2025 at 12:00 AM
honey, pass me my posting jorts, i’m ready to log on again.
Reposted by Bob Heller
If everybody on bluesky chipped in one dollar, we wouldn't be able to do that much. It's gonna have to be ten dollars to make a real difference.
December 1, 2025 at 2:08 AM
If everybody on bluesky chipped in one dollar, we wouldn't be able to do that much. It's gonna have to be ten dollars to make a real difference.
Reposted by Bob Heller
57 minutes until sunset, driving down a gravel road and hoping the deer stay clear as he pretends there's no work in the morning.
November 17, 2024 at 10:12 PM
57 minutes until sunset, driving down a gravel road and hoping the deer stay clear as he pretends there's no work in the morning.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
TRUMP
Hahahahhahaha haha ha ha hahahhahaha hahahahhahahhahahha ha ha hahahaha hahahhahahah hahahahhhaha hahhahahhah hahhahahaaaahaa haa hahhahahhahah ha ha ha hahhahhahahaha haa haaa hahahhahhahahaa ha hahhhhahahhaah ha hahahahaha hahah hahha ha ha ha ha <cough cough> ha
Who’s there?
TRUMP
Hahahahhahaha haha ha ha hahahhahaha hahahahhahahhahahha ha ha hahahaha hahahhahahah hahahahhhaha hahhahahhah hahhahahaaaahaa haa hahhahahhahah ha ha ha hahhahhahahaha haa haaa hahahhahhahahaa ha hahhhhahahhaah ha hahahahaha hahah hahha ha ha ha ha <cough cough> ha
December 1, 2025 at 1:55 AM
Knock knock
Who’s there?
TRUMP
Hahahahhahaha haha ha ha hahahhahaha hahahahhahahhahahha ha ha hahahaha hahahhahahah hahahahhhaha hahhahahhah hahhahahaaaahaa haa hahhahahhahah ha ha ha hahhahhahahaha haa haaa hahahhahhahahaa ha hahhhhahahhaah ha hahahahaha hahah hahha ha ha ha ha <cough cough> ha
Who’s there?
TRUMP
Hahahahhahaha haha ha ha hahahhahaha hahahahhahahhahahha ha ha hahahaha hahahhahahah hahahahhhaha hahhahahhah hahhahahaaaahaa haa hahhahahhahah ha ha ha hahhahhahahaha haa haaa hahahhahhahahaa ha hahhhhahahhaah ha hahahahaha hahah hahha ha ha ha ha <cough cough> ha
Give a man a fish. He'll eat for a day.
Give a monkey a tiny tuxedo and it'll be sooooo cute.
Also give him a fish cuz monkey's gotta eat.
Give a monkey a tiny tuxedo and it'll be sooooo cute.
Also give him a fish cuz monkey's gotta eat.
November 30, 2025 at 6:21 PM
Give a man a fish. He'll eat for a day.
Give a monkey a tiny tuxedo and it'll be sooooo cute.
Also give him a fish cuz monkey's gotta eat.
Give a monkey a tiny tuxedo and it'll be sooooo cute.
Also give him a fish cuz monkey's gotta eat.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Bread monkey. A monkey that brings you bread. Maybe he bakes it too, we'll come back to that.
November 30, 2025 at 4:42 PM
Bread monkey. A monkey that brings you bread. Maybe he bakes it too, we'll come back to that.
Are you even a sassy waitress who doesn't take crap from anybody, Flo?
November 30, 2025 at 4:44 PM
Are you even a sassy waitress who doesn't take crap from anybody, Flo?
Reposted by Bob Heller
Waitress: enjoy your meal
Me: you too
Waitress:
Me: ...is a good band is what i was gonna say
Me: you too
Waitress:
Me: ...is a good band is what i was gonna say
November 30, 2025 at 7:49 AM
Waitress: enjoy your meal
Me: you too
Waitress:
Me: ...is a good band is what i was gonna say
Me: you too
Waitress:
Me: ...is a good band is what i was gonna say
Martinis are like boobs.
Put 'em in my mouth!!!
Put 'em in my mouth!!!
November 30, 2025 at 2:20 AM
Martinis are like boobs.
Put 'em in my mouth!!!
Put 'em in my mouth!!!
Reposted by Bob Heller
I should quit while I'm ahead but there's still half a martini in the glass
November 30, 2025 at 1:11 AM
I should quit while I'm ahead but there's still half a martini in the glass
Reposted by Bob Heller
[I turn on the TV and every channel is showing me being burned in effigy] This can't be good
November 30, 2025 at 12:36 AM
[I turn on the TV and every channel is showing me being burned in effigy] This can't be good
Reposted by Bob Heller
WHO ARE YOU CALLING ILLITERIT?
November 29, 2025 at 10:41 PM
WHO ARE YOU CALLING ILLITERIT?
If you ever must apologize for something you forgot, try saying, “Sorry. I just plum forgot.” The plum really takes the edge off, probably because everybody loves plums.
November 29, 2025 at 10:53 PM
If you ever must apologize for something you forgot, try saying, “Sorry. I just plum forgot.” The plum really takes the edge off, probably because everybody loves plums.
Reposted by Bob Heller
I drink boxed wine because it's not available by the suitcase.
November 29, 2025 at 10:36 PM
I drink boxed wine because it's not available by the suitcase.
Reposted by Bob Heller
there is no i in ham
but
there is an i
in how high i am
immensely
but
there is an i
in how high i am
immensely
November 26, 2024 at 1:29 AM
there is no i in ham
but
there is an i
in how high i am
immensely
but
there is an i
in how high i am
immensely
Reposted by Bob Heller
No one normal names their kid "Noah." Why not "Ham" or "Japeth?"
November 29, 2025 at 6:49 AM
No one normal names their kid "Noah." Why not "Ham" or "Japeth?"
Reposted by Bob Heller
Spilled gravy on my sex cape
November 27, 2025 at 11:52 PM
Spilled gravy on my sex cape
"You can't kick 'em in the private parts cuz they ain’ got private parts!"
- My Aunt Roberta talking about strippers
- My Aunt Roberta talking about strippers
November 28, 2025 at 2:19 AM
"You can't kick 'em in the private parts cuz they ain’ got private parts!"
- My Aunt Roberta talking about strippers
- My Aunt Roberta talking about strippers
Reposted by Bob Heller
My niece is drawing everyone's picture, one by one revealing our deepest insecurities like a she's in a Stephen King book
November 27, 2025 at 7:15 PM
My niece is drawing everyone's picture, one by one revealing our deepest insecurities like a she's in a Stephen King book