"Are you sleeping with my fiancée" "Not anymore, son. Best of luck to you" GET A BASKET FOR THIS MAN'S INTESTINES

I have agreed to pay Lane Kiffin $235 million over 10 seasons to teach me the basics of personal finance

"I'm proud to join one of the truly great programs in this country," Kiffin told ESPN. "As a kid, I dreamed of coaching at the highest levels. I'm humbled to achieve that dream today, as I explain how a checking account works to a writer three years younger than me"

I got to hold one on a glove in Mongolia last year, just 100% awe

This is the biggest lie I've ever tweeted

He's domesticated

Me rn

It's behind on the payments but it was planning on crashing on Duane's couch next month anyway, and look, it's none of your goddamn business anymore, Darlene. You wanted out, remember? Well, congratulations, you're out. Here are the tapes of Stephen Miller selling nuclear codes to Russia

Energy so divorced it, too, drives a Mustang convertible

Oh, you haven't? :rolls eyes: Congratulations on being a saint

cion of the fabled Kennedy dynasty whose wife co-starred on Curb Your Enthusiasm and who we are actively covering for the national magazine that employs us, blackmail his way into the vice-presidency

I carry that burden