Me, two hours ago: How do I have heartburn again? Am I dying?! I am going to fast a few days to let this subside.

Me, 20 minutes ago, having a bag of Twin Snakes for dinner at midnight: ☺️😍🤤👍

Why isn't there a 🖕 on Teams?

Is this what happens when you order your president from Wish? 🇺🇲😬

I have muted four people in meetings today and only one of them was myself.

*Littlest (4 at the time) eating an apple
Me: Hey, Doodle, what's worse than finding a worm in an apple?
Littlest, immediately, deadpan, not even looking up, fully focused on his apple: You.
Me: ....

I just caught myself saying aloud, "Well, he is a handsome man." So I'm at that stage of middle-aged woman. (Before you ask, Justin Timberlake popped up on Spotify.)

The best thing about working from home is that the only person who knows there's booze in my coffee is my judgy husband. Don't forget; snitches get stitches, babe.

I wanna rock and roll 2 hours tops and party maybe every 14 days

I mean if you wanted to see a 60 year old man and a guy so dumb that you don’t know if he can read get into a fight just wait for Thanksgiving

Four years later, I'm 100% sure my husband still regularly watches our wedding video... desperately searching for a loophole.

I stalked him here, and now I'm trying to steal friends from my husband, @stewiecoffee.bsky.social, but he follows all kinds of fucking weirdos. So, if you know me, let's do that follow thingy.

Has anyone seen my husband? He told me to meet him here. Why is everyone naked? Is that a... OH!