I Ate Oklahoma
@iateoklahoma.bsky.social
REM was wrong. I don't feel fine at all.
[holding hands with my children around the table]
SON: A-are we, uh, praying?
ME: No no, I just want us all to wish that Pete Hegseth trips and fatally falls onto a really sharp dildo.
DAUGHTER: [texting with CPS] listen to this
SON: A-are we, uh, praying?
ME: No no, I just want us all to wish that Pete Hegseth trips and fatally falls onto a really sharp dildo.
DAUGHTER: [texting with CPS] listen to this
December 1, 2025 at 10:53 PM
[holding hands with my children around the table]
SON: A-are we, uh, praying?
ME: No no, I just want us all to wish that Pete Hegseth trips and fatally falls onto a really sharp dildo.
DAUGHTER: [texting with CPS] listen to this
SON: A-are we, uh, praying?
ME: No no, I just want us all to wish that Pete Hegseth trips and fatally falls onto a really sharp dildo.
DAUGHTER: [texting with CPS] listen to this
"...and if you ordered fries, even if you didn't ask, they would give you ketchup."
GRANDKIDS [quietly, to each other]: "This old-ass liar. Remember when he said he loved us?"
GRANDKIDS [quietly, to each other]: "This old-ass liar. Remember when he said he loved us?"
December 1, 2025 at 7:04 PM
"...and if you ordered fries, even if you didn't ask, they would give you ketchup."
GRANDKIDS [quietly, to each other]: "This old-ass liar. Remember when he said he loved us?"
GRANDKIDS [quietly, to each other]: "This old-ass liar. Remember when he said he loved us?"
As I do every morning, I drank a cup of coffee and imagined how great it would be if Donald Trump got diarrhea so bad that it killed him and, ideally, everyone in a 15-foot radius.
December 1, 2025 at 4:04 PM
As I do every morning, I drank a cup of coffee and imagined how great it would be if Donald Trump got diarrhea so bad that it killed him and, ideally, everyone in a 15-foot radius.
Happy Cyber Monday, weird pervs.
December 1, 2025 at 2:51 PM
Happy Cyber Monday, weird pervs.
I am once again calling for the creation of a drive-thru breakfast pizza slice shop where the only options are cold or lukewarm.
December 1, 2025 at 1:33 PM
I am once again calling for the creation of a drive-thru breakfast pizza slice shop where the only options are cold or lukewarm.
I cannot recommend highly enough calling Markwayne Derpadorp's office and telling his staff that every time he appears on television he makes Oklahoma look bad, he should not accept offers to be on TV, and he should resign immediately. (405) 246-0025
Markwayne Mullin defends Trump pardoning Honduran president who was convicted of drug trafficking: "What the president is doing is always calculated. I haven't had a direct conversation with the president about it, but I do trust his natural reaction and his approach to foreign affairs."
December 1, 2025 at 2:49 AM
I cannot recommend highly enough calling Markwayne Derpadorp's office and telling his staff that every time he appears on television he makes Oklahoma look bad, he should not accept offers to be on TV, and he should resign immediately. (405) 246-0025
I named my fists Augustus and Gloop, because they're fat as hell and almost always holding candy.
I named my fists Chekhov and Gun because you know they're coming but you don't know when
i named my fists Rodgers and Hammerstein cuz theyre always in my own little corner
December 1, 2025 at 2:34 AM
I named my fists Augustus and Gloop, because they're fat as hell and almost always holding candy.
I don't know how my kids will remember me when I'm gone, but I hope they remember all the times I told them that, while Mr. Fischoeder is a very funny character, it's the genius of Kevin Kline bringing him to life and then I listed all the Kevin Kline films I could think of and there were a lot.
November 29, 2025 at 3:36 AM
I don't know how my kids will remember me when I'm gone, but I hope they remember all the times I told them that, while Mr. Fischoeder is a very funny character, it's the genius of Kevin Kline bringing him to life and then I listed all the Kevin Kline films I could think of and there were a lot.
I sincerely hate when people come up to your car to solicit you for donations.
I'm in a car. If I wanted to come give you money, I have a way to get there.
I'm in a car. If I wanted to come give you money, I have a way to get there.
November 28, 2025 at 4:49 PM
I sincerely hate when people come up to your car to solicit you for donations.
I'm in a car. If I wanted to come give you money, I have a way to get there.
I'm in a car. If I wanted to come give you money, I have a way to get there.
Oh, it's Black Friday *today*? Because I've been receiving Black Friday emails since early October and I bet I keep getting them until December.
November 28, 2025 at 2:37 PM
Oh, it's Black Friday *today*? Because I've been receiving Black Friday emails since early October and I bet I keep getting them until December.
We are all, all of us, calling and writing our representatives in Congress tomorrow and demanding they impeach this racist, clearly insane, escape mental patient who is also unaccountably the President. Put it on your to-do list and then do it.
Trump: “I will permanently pause migration from all Third World Countries … denaturalize migrants who undermine domestic tranquility, and deport any Foreign National who is a public charge, security risk, or non-compatible with Western Civilization.“
November 28, 2025 at 6:28 AM
We are all, all of us, calling and writing our representatives in Congress tomorrow and demanding they impeach this racist, clearly insane, escape mental patient who is also unaccountably the President. Put it on your to-do list and then do it.
I hope everyone at the White House choked on that dry-ass overcooked turkey and tiny bottles of ketchup.
November 28, 2025 at 6:20 AM
I hope everyone at the White House choked on that dry-ass overcooked turkey and tiny bottles of ketchup.
Things I'm thankful for as they occur to me today:
November 27, 2025 at 1:15 PM
Things I'm thankful for as they occur to me today:
THERAPIST: Sounds like a mid life crisis.
ME: I am at that age...
THERAPIST: Mmmm. I think your life would be mid at any age, bruh.
ME: I am at that age...
THERAPIST: Mmmm. I think your life would be mid at any age, bruh.
November 27, 2025 at 11:55 AM
THERAPIST: Sounds like a mid life crisis.
ME: I am at that age...
THERAPIST: Mmmm. I think your life would be mid at any age, bruh.
ME: I am at that age...
THERAPIST: Mmmm. I think your life would be mid at any age, bruh.
I don't know if being lame is quantifiable, exactly, but I'm eagerly awaiting Royal Riviera pear season the way a man in the desert looks forward to water.
November 26, 2025 at 3:58 AM
I don't know if being lame is quantifiable, exactly, but I'm eagerly awaiting Royal Riviera pear season the way a man in the desert looks forward to water.
Every day that Markwayne Derpadorp is allowed to represent Oklahoma is another day that Oklahoma loses. We already lose plenty. We don't need Itsy Bitsy Brain-on-the-fritzy making it worse.
Markwayne Mullin on healthcare: "What the president would like to do is say, hey, if you take care of yourself -- you don't smoke, you don't dip, you're not drinking, you're not overweight, you're working out -- then you should pay less than the guy that obviously is not taking care of himself."
November 25, 2025 at 10:54 PM
Every day that Markwayne Derpadorp is allowed to represent Oklahoma is another day that Oklahoma loses. We already lose plenty. We don't need Itsy Bitsy Brain-on-the-fritzy making it worse.
Watching "Lyle, Lyle Crocodile" and is Javier Bardem perfect? Singing, dancing, acting, even under a lot of makeup and he can send your Kinsey scale all catawampus.
November 24, 2025 at 12:33 AM
Watching "Lyle, Lyle Crocodile" and is Javier Bardem perfect? Singing, dancing, acting, even under a lot of makeup and he can send your Kinsey scale all catawampus.
Shoutout to the kids who walked past my at-the-curb garage cans to offer me the deal of the century: taking my garbage cans to the curb for $2.
November 23, 2025 at 9:05 PM
Shoutout to the kids who walked past my at-the-curb garage cans to offer me the deal of the century: taking my garbage cans to the curb for $2.
They added a channel on Roku that just shows live safaris and I think this is finally the thing that will keep me away from y'all for good.
November 23, 2025 at 2:23 PM
They added a channel on Roku that just shows live safaris and I think this is finally the thing that will keep me away from y'all for good.
I remember the first time I heard that people were getting married to "Every Breath You Take" and thinking, "that's weird!"
It just came on the radio and I'm listening to these lyrics again and I can't even fathom how anybody thinks this is a song about anything but a stalker.
It just came on the radio and I'm listening to these lyrics again and I can't even fathom how anybody thinks this is a song about anything but a stalker.
November 22, 2025 at 11:52 PM
I remember the first time I heard that people were getting married to "Every Breath You Take" and thinking, "that's weird!"
It just came on the radio and I'm listening to these lyrics again and I can't even fathom how anybody thinks this is a song about anything but a stalker.
It just came on the radio and I'm listening to these lyrics again and I can't even fathom how anybody thinks this is a song about anything but a stalker.
Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. But only sometimes! Usually, the honesty is just right or even a little lacking.
November 22, 2025 at 3:27 AM
Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. But only sometimes! Usually, the honesty is just right or even a little lacking.
Reposted by I Ate Oklahoma
imagine walking down the beach and seeing jesus carrying some guy
November 22, 2025 at 1:04 AM
imagine walking down the beach and seeing jesus carrying some guy
Looks like all that LSD i dropped in the water in D.C. is finally kicking in.
November 22, 2025 at 3:19 AM
Looks like all that LSD i dropped in the water in D.C. is finally kicking in.
Dropping some serious money on turkeys this Thanksgiving.
Remember when turkeys were almost free? It's almost like the government has ruined everything in just under a year.
Remember when turkeys were almost free? It's almost like the government has ruined everything in just under a year.
November 20, 2025 at 11:34 PM
Dropping some serious money on turkeys this Thanksgiving.
Remember when turkeys were almost free? It's almost like the government has ruined everything in just under a year.
Remember when turkeys were almost free? It's almost like the government has ruined everything in just under a year.