A total myth to suggest that our leader is plagued with an infestation of Farmer Giles. Whenever I have had the privilege of observing his balloon knot, it has always seemed clean, fragrant and in the bloom of strong manly health.

You don’t seem to understand how things work. Dame Andrea is a highly decorated member of the Reform leadership. She represents a powerful intellectual thread of continuity from the last highly successful Conservative government which I also had the honour to play a huge part in. We will rise again.

Obviously there’s a moral hazard. If spending is not properly controlled, we might easily waste our money on the undeserving. Feckless poor. Scroungers. Unmarried mothers. Those who choose to live in sin. Homosexuals and other perversions. Immigrants. Those who reject our Lord. Jesus hates them all.

We are all Clacton

A blatant attempt to sully the blameless reputation of a great man.

These so-called standards commissioners will be cleaning toilets with their tongues by the time we’ve finished with them. It’s the will of the people.

It seems rather churlish to mock Mr Farage’s kind empathy with those of the working class that must use alarm clocks.

I have never done this myself. At Eton, of course, the custom is to be roused by one’s fag. Today I employ a maid to sit on my face whenever it is time to leave my feathery bed.

We must face facts. We don’t like the look of some people or how they dress and talk. And now, horribly, we have concrete proof that everyone that doesn’t look like me is a murderer.

Millions of Reform voters know this, and very soon we will rule over you all.

And yet they call me racist.

Typical mealy-mouthed slop from the Communist organs.

Either these people are British or they are of Caribbean ethnicity. Can’t be both, you know.

But anyone pointing out the insanity of allowing them in to our country is branded “racist”. We must face facts.

I’m not sure why you think it’s acceptable to mock this great man who has sacrificed so much for his country. He has no personal life and has given up all his friends and family. He is practically married to England. Without his will, we are nothing.

Who is that crazy fool?

If defying the will of the people as manifest in Mr Farage is a good day; then yes I suppose Davey has. The ECHR is full of foreigners and set up to thwart England’s ambitions to become a great power once more. We will rule the waves and reestablish the Trade Triangles that brought such prosperity.

After the mess left to us by the previous administration, you can hardly expect us to keep our promises to save money immediately!

As I build a new world of government for England the people must trust me and my vast experience of rule. I was born and bred for this moment.

I am bright, beautiful and rich. Have you noticed how those things generally go together?