Meg Alcazar
@megoftheworld.bsky.social
Professional reader/arranger of words, non-practicing librarian, and serial comma lover. Recovering NYer, ex-expat of Istanbul & NZ in Durham, NC. Always thinking about travel.
Now three weeks without him, and maybe the hardest time so far. It’s a mix of new sharpness—things we won’t do, things I can’t ask him—and the heaviness that it doesn’t end with the memorial or going through his clothes, it doesn’t end at all.
May 1, 2025 at 8:59 PM
Now three weeks without him, and maybe the hardest time so far. It’s a mix of new sharpness—things we won’t do, things I can’t ask him—and the heaviness that it doesn’t end with the memorial or going through his clothes, it doesn’t end at all.
Not sure why I have been made to bear such an unusual amount of pain & grief, maybe to tap into a deeper well of love and joy and give it to him full blast. I wondered what he’d become in his next act, I know it was to be the most supportive husband and dad (minus a few technicalities) to me and V.
April 11, 2025 at 2:29 PM
Not sure why I have been made to bear such an unusual amount of pain & grief, maybe to tap into a deeper well of love and joy and give it to him full blast. I wondered what he’d become in his next act, I know it was to be the most supportive husband and dad (minus a few technicalities) to me and V.
This is the second week we’ve had a sudden downturn on Tuesday, leaving me awake all night desperately trying to send my hopes out into the void, wondering what to wear that I might never want to wear again, feeling the chutes and ladders of the ICU. We are again, still fucking here. Stable-ish.
April 9, 2025 at 9:38 PM
This is the second week we’ve had a sudden downturn on Tuesday, leaving me awake all night desperately trying to send my hopes out into the void, wondering what to wear that I might never want to wear again, feeling the chutes and ladders of the ICU. We are again, still fucking here. Stable-ish.
When we were first thinking about his long recovery at home, I decided I'd buy a big, ugly recliner from Costco for him. Even not having a discharge date, it gave me a positive, concrete thing to do. Last week I was too scared to commit to a future thing, but today I'm ordering it.
April 6, 2025 at 2:45 PM
When we were first thinking about his long recovery at home, I decided I'd buy a big, ugly recliner from Costco for him. Even not having a discharge date, it gave me a positive, concrete thing to do. Last week I was too scared to commit to a future thing, but today I'm ordering it.
We're still fucking here (day 18). A few days ago they weren't sure he'd make it, but he's fought hard and had steady progress to get out of the woods, or at least peeking out. The last few days have been a bit dull, which is good. Dull is alive.
April 6, 2025 at 2:31 PM
We're still fucking here (day 18). A few days ago they weren't sure he'd make it, but he's fought hard and had steady progress to get out of the woods, or at least peeking out. The last few days have been a bit dull, which is good. Dull is alive.
Thinking about starting a mentoring program for families navigating a long ICU/hospital stay. There are so many tips you learn: where to make a quiet phone call, the best cafeteria food, what kind of snacks to bring, etc. Care is so focused on the patient but we all need support.
April 1, 2025 at 6:45 PM
Thinking about starting a mentoring program for families navigating a long ICU/hospital stay. There are so many tips you learn: where to make a quiet phone call, the best cafeteria food, what kind of snacks to bring, etc. Care is so focused on the patient but we all need support.
I’ve felt most comfortable sharing details of his progress, what led to this, and what’s the prognosis with the people who DON’T ask. I went to work out today—important physical and mental therapy—and several folks did me the kindness of not asking for updates. I can’t offer comfort to anyone else.
March 29, 2025 at 8:01 PM
I’ve felt most comfortable sharing details of his progress, what led to this, and what’s the prognosis with the people who DON’T ask. I went to work out today—important physical and mental therapy—and several folks did me the kindness of not asking for updates. I can’t offer comfort to anyone else.
I’m living a double life—spending half my time getting to know the medical staff, terminology, and rhythms of the hospital where time is slippery. Then I’m trying to remember the rhythms of normality, like when to put out the trash, trying to eat decently, staying asleep through the night.
March 29, 2025 at 7:55 PM
I’m living a double life—spending half my time getting to know the medical staff, terminology, and rhythms of the hospital where time is slippery. Then I’m trying to remember the rhythms of normality, like when to put out the trash, trying to eat decently, staying asleep through the night.
The exciting non-Josh moment of the week was me befriending the Dapper Twins, two distinguished older Black men who wear fedoras, plaid blazers, and cowboy boots daily. They shared their barbecue chicken with me and told me how it’s been waiting on their Dapper Patient to improve for a MONTH.
March 28, 2025 at 12:26 PM
The exciting non-Josh moment of the week was me befriending the Dapper Twins, two distinguished older Black men who wear fedoras, plaid blazers, and cowboy boots daily. They shared their barbecue chicken with me and told me how it’s been waiting on their Dapper Patient to improve for a MONTH.
The spectrum of humanity seen in the waiting rooms is astounding. Long phone calls on speaker, watching videos on full volume, hogging chairs, leaving trash everywhere. But I know each person is going through it and try to give them grace. It’s a Petri dish for trauma and grief and anxiety.
March 28, 2025 at 12:26 PM
The spectrum of humanity seen in the waiting rooms is astounding. Long phone calls on speaker, watching videos on full volume, hogging chairs, leaving trash everywhere. But I know each person is going through it and try to give them grace. It’s a Petri dish for trauma and grief and anxiety.
Now a full week in the ICU, each day is a roller coaster. I’m teaching my phone to spell intubate and extubate because it keeps happening. Trying to keep track of the cast of thousands taking care of him. Managing updates, struggling with boundaries for anyone who feels entitled to information.
March 28, 2025 at 12:20 PM
Now a full week in the ICU, each day is a roller coaster. I’m teaching my phone to spell intubate and extubate because it keeps happening. Trying to keep track of the cast of thousands taking care of him. Managing updates, struggling with boundaries for anyone who feels entitled to information.
Still figuring out what we need, thanks! Going out to UNC sometimes twice a day, too anxious to eat much, and dealing with life needs at home.
March 28, 2025 at 12:17 PM
Still figuring out what we need, thanks! Going out to UNC sometimes twice a day, too anxious to eat much, and dealing with life needs at home.
Friends have stepped up with Venmo & delivery funds for hospital parking—how awful that we are charged for parking at the most vulnerable times of our lives?!—and coffee. Just like there are no atheists in foxholes, there are no boycotts in hospitals (so much for avoiding Starbucks and DoorDash).
March 25, 2025 at 8:34 PM
Friends have stepped up with Venmo & delivery funds for hospital parking—how awful that we are charged for parking at the most vulnerable times of our lives?!—and coffee. Just like there are no atheists in foxholes, there are no boycotts in hospitals (so much for avoiding Starbucks and DoorDash).
Seeing some light outside the woods, though still there’s still a long tunnel ahead. He is off of most meds to keep up blood pressure and they are nearly ready to remove breathing tube. Hoping to step down from ICU next week and start figuring out the next steps. Holding fast, small progress.
March 25, 2025 at 8:09 PM
Seeing some light outside the woods, though still there’s still a long tunnel ahead. He is off of most meds to keep up blood pressure and they are nearly ready to remove breathing tube. Hoping to step down from ICU next week and start figuring out the next steps. Holding fast, small progress.
I appreciate that. I’ve debated about what to share on his behalf but I also want to be transparent about what is inevitably going to be a totally world changing time, hopefully for both of us.
March 24, 2025 at 2:22 AM
I appreciate that. I’ve debated about what to share on his behalf but I also want to be transparent about what is inevitably going to be a totally world changing time, hopefully for both of us.
Should he become well enough to tolerate a transplant (and be approved for it, and match with a donor, all of which is uncertain), it will be life-changing event. More weeks in the hospital, months of caretaking that will preclude most of my current activities, a lifetime of taking medication.
March 23, 2025 at 11:10 PM
Should he become well enough to tolerate a transplant (and be approved for it, and match with a donor, all of which is uncertain), it will be life-changing event. More weeks in the hospital, months of caretaking that will preclude most of my current activities, a lifetime of taking medication.
It all stems from the liver, which has gone from an asymptomatic potentially diseased diagnosis to failure in less than a month.
March 23, 2025 at 11:05 PM
It all stems from the liver, which has gone from an asymptomatic potentially diseased diagnosis to failure in less than a month.
On day 2, the possibility of a liver transplant was raised, and the various evaluations are happening in parallel with the medical interventions. Yesterday he was off of the low BP medication and breathing tube, today he has regressed and is unstable again. Now I’m just hoping for more improvements.
March 23, 2025 at 11:04 PM
On day 2, the possibility of a liver transplant was raised, and the various evaluations are happening in parallel with the medical interventions. Yesterday he was off of the low BP medication and breathing tube, today he has regressed and is unstable again. Now I’m just hoping for more improvements.
Loved the details about the bookmarks especially!
March 14, 2025 at 4:06 PM
Loved the details about the bookmarks especially!
A great endorsement! Imma stay out of politics though. ;)
March 12, 2025 at 9:45 PM
A great endorsement! Imma stay out of politics though. ;)