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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 4h

#LunchPun for her birthday, my niece has decided that she wants a stylish SLR camera that shoots nice pictures in low-light conditions. That said, she doesn’t want anything too flashy.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 2d

#LunchPun As a young police officer I once arrested a string player from the London Philharmonic Orchestra for drink driving.
Harpist?
She was totally off her head.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 3d

#LunchPun got tickets to see and review a singer performing songs from her new album at the place where her designer suits are made. The men who made the clothes didn’t smell very nice, and it was overpowering, so all I could write was ‘Tailors’ Whiffed’.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 4d

#LunchPun At the local cricket cup final last weekend, our opening batsmen were clearly suffering from some sort of mallardy.
Are you sure?
Yep, they were both out for ducks.

neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 5d

#LunchPun Went to the ‘Decimal Fraction Society’ meeting last night. It can get a bit rough and tough when they argue about mathematics, with no quarter asked or given.

neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 6d

#LunchPun I once arrested a butcher for making sub -standard sausages. He said he was gutted as he had put his heart and arsehole into his life’s work.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 7d

#LunchPun Our local circus used to have a funny man who ran around in his orange wig and big shoes, and absolutely loved it if the crowd all spat at him.
Seriously?
Yep, as they say, every clown has a saliva leaning.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 8d

#LunchPun My mate refurbishes old male dentures for re-use and it’s a pretty difficult career to get into.
Dead man’s chews?
It helps to know the right people.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 9d

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters Yesterday I met the man whose great grandad invented the urinal. People initially thought it was a daft idea, but he stood by his creation.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 10d

#LunchPun As a struggling actor I was once offered the part of a vampire’s victim. I turned it down as I didn’t want to do a bit part.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 11d

I run a pet food company and we employ people to cut dead leverets in half. I noticed that one man was a bit sloppy and told him off for his poor technique.He said that if I could do better, I should take over. I really didn’t want to split Hares.

neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 14d

#LunchPun #badjokethursday We've been looking for someone to play the leading role of the Time Lord in his Tardis but British actors were too expensive. In the end we negotiated with a much cheaper Spaniard and got Who for the price of Juan.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 15d

#LunchPun Last night I went to my first meeting of ‘Entrail Club’ where people strip off and smother themselves in animal guts and offal. I couldn’t do it and ran off. To be honest, I didn’t cover myself in gory.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 16d

#LunchPun I’ve written a really exciting new book about how to choose the best biscuits for cheese. People who’ve read it are saying It’s a cracker.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 17d

#LunchPun I used to work as a marriage guidance counsellor and once dealt with a wife and her forensic pathologist husband. When I asked what the problem was, she said that he kept bringing his work home with him.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 18d

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday Read a really interesting article about substandard clothing and the very cheap dye used to colour it, by Fay Dingfast.

neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 19d

#LunchPun #sillysaturday My local theatre group wants to put on a production of the Karma Sutra. I have been asked to write a report for sponsorship explaining what we intend to do; a sort of position paper.

neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 20d

#LunchPun #badjokefriday I’m going to watch the World Incontinence Championships later. There are a lot of bets on the eventual winner, but I reckon the Dutch guy has the best chance so I’ve got a Tena on him.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 21d

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I went to the M16 sports day last Sunday where people were queuing up for the competition to leap over the bloke who provides all the interesting gadgets. Some impatient people were pushing in, so I had to have a word with a few Q jumpers.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 22d

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I’ve been invited to an afternoon tea reception at Windsor Castle for the US President’s visit. I’m expecting sponge fingers, jammy dodgers, alcohol soaked fruit cake and to meet more of Trump’s team as well.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 23d

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters Yesterday I saw a baby leveret being chastised by its mother as it was acting like a spoilt brat. It got annoyed about the rough hay that lined the burrow and was acting like a hare with a straw bed.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 24d

#LunchPun #mondaymirth Up in London yesterday and took my buddies for a meal before catching the underground. Our food was clearly undercooked and we all got taken ill before getting to our stop.
Turnham Green?
Yeah, we had to walk the rest of the way.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 28d

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I went to a lovely Scottish restaurant last night that specialises in cooking different types of Jelly Fish and tentacles, caught in a famous river. Their Tay ‘Sting Menu’ was stunning.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 29d

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I got a job making wedding dresses, but the commute and underground ride into London was a nightmare.
Maida Vale?
I did, but I was also good at the sleeves and bodice.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · Sep 9

#lunchpun #tuesdaytitters My mate is from Yorkshire and used to be a police radio operator. He retired early to run a market stall selling nothing but eggs in York City Centre and called his little company ‘Ova and Nowt’.

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