every background guy in these screens is extremely a glup shitto

I mean. It being cold out might be a factor too...

ngl even before I showed any signs of lactose intolerance I had a pretty strong aversion to the taste of milk. whatever taste factor unites plain milk, sour cream, and cheap buttermilk-based cheese powder is very unpleasant to me!

sorry I'll probably delete this later, I just needed to externalize the miasma in my brain

like man I spent a lot of 2013-2014 dissociating and wanting to die and even though forcefemme is fundamentally coming from a different place it sometimes flips the "I have to stop existing because not even other trans people are okay with me being here" switch in my brain

it reminds me of how I tried to walk out of a little nerd fanfilm meetup into the snow so I could die, because I couldn't reconcile the feeling of being wronged with the feeling that I was in the wrong

and it fucks me up that we get punished for our taste, our choices, our creative work, our presentation BY other queer people, and then told we talk over people who are More Important, that of course we're so much more privileged so we need to cede the floor to others

it does fuck me up that art made by people who are visibly transmasc gets denigrated in the extremely specific way that things For Teen Girls get denigrated

like man idk it does kind of fuck me up that the only successful transmascs in most fields, especially creative ones, could only get there because they did their successful art before they came out, and mostly get perpetually misgendered and deadnamed afterwards anyway

it's not great for my psyche to feel like I chose to be a failure in life by every metric my peers care about (it's also Great and Cool that a bad post I saw like a year ago is still tormenting me)