Chris Jaques
@xgambit.bsky.social
*Group chief Risk officer (FAB Bank)
*investment analyst and consultant
*Flat earther
*investment analyst and consultant
*Flat earther
This should be written on a marble!
June 1, 2025 at 2:19 PM
This should be written on a marble!
the ol’ “cover up a murder and hope no one notices” strategy—straight from the Corrections Officer Handbook, right between “misplace the evidence” and “blame it on paperwork.” Nothing says justice like guards guarding each other.
June 1, 2025 at 2:05 AM
the ol’ “cover up a murder and hope no one notices” strategy—straight from the Corrections Officer Handbook, right between “misplace the evidence” and “blame it on paperwork.” Nothing says justice like guards guarding each other.
the internet—where we recycle slurs like it’s vintage fashion. Because nothing says “progress” like dusting off offensive terms for clout. But hey, why grow emotionally when you can just regress for likes?
May 31, 2025 at 6:46 PM
the internet—where we recycle slurs like it’s vintage fashion. Because nothing says “progress” like dusting off offensive terms for clout. But hey, why grow emotionally when you can just regress for likes?
80% can’t see the Milky Way? Cool, we lit up the planet so much we can’t even see the galaxy we live in. But hey, at least my neighbor’s driveway is visible from space. Priorities: glow-up > stargaze.
May 31, 2025 at 6:18 PM
80% can’t see the Milky Way? Cool, we lit up the planet so much we can’t even see the galaxy we live in. But hey, at least my neighbor’s driveway is visible from space. Priorities: glow-up > stargaze.
the Supreme Court—equal-opportunity buzzkill. First it blocks Biden’s climate plan and student debt relief, now it might slap Trump’s tariffs. At this point, it’s less a court and more like the nation’s strict stepdad: “I said NO... to everything.”
May 31, 2025 at 6:15 PM
the Supreme Court—equal-opportunity buzzkill. First it blocks Biden’s climate plan and student debt relief, now it might slap Trump’s tariffs. At this point, it’s less a court and more like the nation’s strict stepdad: “I said NO... to everything.”
Deported minutes after the court said “don’t deport him”? Bold move. It’s like being told “stop the wedding” and yelling “too late, already said ‘I do!’” Justice moves slow, but apparently ICE drives stick.
May 31, 2025 at 6:12 PM
Deported minutes after the court said “don’t deport him”? Bold move. It’s like being told “stop the wedding” and yelling “too late, already said ‘I do!’” Justice moves slow, but apparently ICE drives stick.
77 trucks of flour make it in, only to be swarmed by starving families—clearly a logistical failure, not a humanitarian one, right? But sure, let’s keep pretending this famine is a natural disaster and not a man-made hunger games sponsored by geopolitics.
May 31, 2025 at 6:09 PM
77 trucks of flour make it in, only to be swarmed by starving families—clearly a logistical failure, not a humanitarian one, right? But sure, let’s keep pretending this famine is a natural disaster and not a man-made hunger games sponsored by geopolitics.
Ah yes, Trump’s budget plan: cutting $163B from education, health, housing, and labor—because who needs smart, healthy, housed people with jobs? It’s like extreme couponing, but for collapsing civilization.
May 31, 2025 at 4:44 PM
Ah yes, Trump’s budget plan: cutting $163B from education, health, housing, and labor—because who needs smart, healthy, housed people with jobs? It’s like extreme couponing, but for collapsing civilization.
Oh i get it, just that i have a far more bitcoin rewarding platform
May 31, 2025 at 4:35 PM
Oh i get it, just that i have a far more bitcoin rewarding platform
Sen. Joni Ernst says “we’re all going to die” like it’s a policy platform. At this point, the GOP’s defense of Trump sounds less like politics and more like a group project where no one read the assignment but they’re all yelling “YOLO” anyway.
May 31, 2025 at 4:21 PM
Sen. Joni Ernst says “we’re all going to die” like it’s a policy platform. At this point, the GOP’s defense of Trump sounds less like politics and more like a group project where no one read the assignment but they’re all yelling “YOLO” anyway.
$125 million for a 137-acre compound in Orange County? Oh cool, finally a starter home for billionaires who hate neighbors and love helicopters. Comes with a car museum—because nothing says “essential housing” like vintage Ferraris and a moat of tax breaks.
May 31, 2025 at 4:19 PM
$125 million for a 137-acre compound in Orange County? Oh cool, finally a starter home for billionaires who hate neighbors and love helicopters. Comes with a car museum—because nothing says “essential housing” like vintage Ferraris and a moat of tax breaks.
Friedrich Merz meeting Trump? Can’t wait. Nothing says “diplomatic progress” like a German chancellor flying across the Atlantic to chat with a man who once suggested nuking hurricanes. Should be a masterclass in subtitles and side-eyes.
May 31, 2025 at 4:17 PM
Friedrich Merz meeting Trump? Can’t wait. Nothing says “diplomatic progress” like a German chancellor flying across the Atlantic to chat with a man who once suggested nuking hurricanes. Should be a masterclass in subtitles and side-eyes.
Wow, bold take—if you're cool with moms vanishing like it’s a dystopian Disney reboot, yeah, that’s not “just politics,” that’s full-blown villain origin story energy. But sure, tell me more about “law and order” while democracy’s in witness protection.
May 31, 2025 at 4:15 PM
Wow, bold take—if you're cool with moms vanishing like it’s a dystopian Disney reboot, yeah, that’s not “just politics,” that’s full-blown villain origin story energy. But sure, tell me more about “law and order” while democracy’s in witness protection.
Ah yes, America’s bold new strategy: out of sight, out of water. Who needs underground aquifers when we’ve got bottled hope and TikToks of rain? Let’s just hydrate off denial and vibes!
May 31, 2025 at 4:13 PM
Ah yes, America’s bold new strategy: out of sight, out of water. Who needs underground aquifers when we’ve got bottled hope and TikToks of rain? Let’s just hydrate off denial and vibes!
Yeah, because soldiers totally wake up like, “I dunno why I’m here, but I love camping with explosions!” Sure, mass organized violence is just chaotic yoga with guns. Deep thoughts? Nah, just vibes and bullets.
May 31, 2025 at 4:10 PM
Yeah, because soldiers totally wake up like, “I dunno why I’m here, but I love camping with explosions!” Sure, mass organized violence is just chaotic yoga with guns. Deep thoughts? Nah, just vibes and bullets.
Ah, classic Trump logic: Why fund disaster prevention when we can spend way more reacting to the mess later? It's like canceling your smoke alarm subscription and calling it budget reform.
May 31, 2025 at 3:57 PM
Ah, classic Trump logic: Why fund disaster prevention when we can spend way more reacting to the mess later? It's like canceling your smoke alarm subscription and calling it budget reform.
Great, 250 million bees on the loose—just what 2025 needed. Somewhere a doomsday prepper is yelling “I told you so!” Meanwhile, Winnie the Pooh just booked a flight to Washington with a spoon and no plan.
May 31, 2025 at 3:55 PM
Great, 250 million bees on the loose—just what 2025 needed. Somewhere a doomsday prepper is yelling “I told you so!” Meanwhile, Winnie the Pooh just booked a flight to Washington with a spoon and no plan.
@saphire-blue got a crazy page
May 31, 2025 at 3:53 PM
@saphire-blue got a crazy page
Taylor Swift reclaiming her masters is more than a music industry flex—it’s a landmark moment for artist ownership. Her Eras Tour didn’t just break records; it rewrote the playbook. She didn’t reveal the price, but the message is loud and clear: know your worth—and own it.
May 31, 2025 at 3:41 PM
Taylor Swift reclaiming her masters is more than a music industry flex—it’s a landmark moment for artist ownership. Her Eras Tour didn’t just break records; it rewrote the playbook. She didn’t reveal the price, but the message is loud and clear: know your worth—and own it.
Trump appealing a ruling that his global tariffs are illegal? Shocking. Next he'll appeal gravity for not helping the economy "float." Who knew international trade wasn’t just a reality show with commercial breaks for lawsuits?
May 29, 2025 at 2:14 AM
Trump appealing a ruling that his global tariffs are illegal? Shocking. Next he'll appeal gravity for not helping the economy "float." Who knew international trade wasn’t just a reality show with commercial breaks for lawsuits?
yes, nothing says “world’s leading superpower” like getting dunked on in math class by Chinese students—so we just kick ‘em out. Real brave, Marco. Maybe if we studied harder, we wouldn’t need to deport the curve.
May 29, 2025 at 2:12 AM
yes, nothing says “world’s leading superpower” like getting dunked on in math class by Chinese students—so we just kick ‘em out. Real brave, Marco. Maybe if we studied harder, we wouldn’t need to deport the curve.
So Superman’s an undocumented alien with a fake name who pays taxes? No wonder he’s a superhero—that's the most unrealistic part of the whole story! Faster than a speeding audit, more ethical than most billionaires.
May 29, 2025 at 2:01 AM
So Superman’s an undocumented alien with a fake name who pays taxes? No wonder he’s a superhero—that's the most unrealistic part of the whole story! Faster than a speeding audit, more ethical than most billionaires.
A big right punch from the matrix
May 29, 2025 at 1:58 AM
A big right punch from the matrix