Zer0 Kelvin
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zer0kelvin.bsky.social
Zer0 Kelvin
@zer0kelvin.bsky.social
38 followers 140 following 12 posts
Late 20s, Art enjoyer, bored in life.
He/him
Used to go by kelvinjohan2016 on other platforms
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Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
ashaxle.bsky.social
I wanted to write and share the story of when I came out as transgender.

I think it's important to share this, but it is very raw. Maybe someone out there needs to hear this. At the very least, sharing it is cathartic for me.

CW: sexual assault, transphobia
I have been on hormone replacement therapy for just about three years. I want to tell you about when I came out. I want to share this for pride, but it’s a hard write and a hard read. I’ve been puzzling over how to write about this and express myself succinctly. I don’t know if I can. So, this is the story of when I came out as transgender. (CW: transphobia, sexual assault, emotional abuse,etc) Four years ago, I hated myself. I hated my life. I didn’t want to exist or be around. I had given up on my life ambitions and goals. I was married to a woman that hated me. She was misandric and transphobic. There was no winning with her. In 2015, I was taking a shower with her and she embraced me and told me, unprompted, “I’d love you no matter what. Even if you were a woman.” I know now that she was a closted lesbian, but at the time, this caused my egg to finally crack. I began to grapple with bringing up all the confusing shit that had been clanging around in my brain for two decades. I had lots of confusing questions and feelings about my gender. When I finally got the courage to tell her, she lost her mind. I was in a vulnerable spot back then. I had just managed to get away from my emotionally, physically, and financially abusive narcissistic stepfather. My family and I were not on great terms. I didn’t have many friends. She felt like all I had back then. She screamed at me that I had to decide if I was a woman on the spot “because she was not a lesbian and can’t be with [me] if I am”. I was so terrified of being alone and unloved and abandoned, that I backpedaled and backed down. We got married two years later. In hindsight, I don’t know why. At the time, I guess it seemed like the thing to do. You get married. You buy a house. You have kids. That kind of shit. I was trying to be normal. The questions kept clanging around in my head though. Over the years, my gender questioning came up a few more times with similar results to the first time. But, by 2020, I was on support forums and servers asking queer people for help. The advice was universal: Get the fuck away from that woman. She had, however, spent our time together emotionally hammering me down much like my stepfather had. I thought I would be nothing without that relationship. It was emotional abuse from another narcissist. I know that now, but I did not know that then. While I was in the shower one day, she got on my phone and started snooping around. She opened my internet browser and it was still tabbed to one of those support forums. She lost her mind again and came at me while I was getting dressed. We started to argue, but it’s all a blur. What I do remember, however, is when she said, “You can’t be a woman, because then I’m a lesbian! If I’m a lesbian, I’ll lose my job!” I screamed back at her, uh, politely asking for a divorce. And then I pulled out my phone and called my brother, my mother, and my father and came out to them as a transwoman on the phone while I glared at her. All the while, she rolled on the floor howling and sobbing that she was going to lose her job. Six months later, she would marry a woman she had been seeing in secret. lol. lmao even. I have never felt so scared and angry and relieved and liberated. All the weight was off my shoulders, but I was still in the middle of the storm. The divorce was rough. About a month after all this happened, she sexually assaulted me. She had been telling everyone that I was a physically abusive and angry person (I literally carry bugs outside because I will cry if I smoosh them). I think that she was trying to goad me into physically retaliating, to try and get me to do literally anything that she was accusing me of doing. I just tanked it. She told me afterwards, while I sat in the locked bathroom, that it was practice for fucking her new girlfriend. Skipping the immediate aftermath of this, the short version is that I was in a psych ward for a bit and haven’t seen her since. I had wasted seven years trying to be the person this woman wanted me to be and she didn’t even really want that either. It was all very stupid. It was such a tremendous waste of time for both of us. If she could have been honest with herself or even had an ounce of empathy in her body, perhaps we could have mutually walked away. As soon as I was able, I got myself on a waitlist to see a doctor about hormones. The waitlist to get on hormones in Indiana was ridiculous back then. It took me another year to get HRT. I have a picture on my phone from July 6th, 2022 of estrogen and spiro resting in my palm. I had to find it in messages with my friend Lily (my old phone imploded) and beneath the pictures I had said “I took these twenty minutes ago, where are my huge mommy milkers” Despite all the pain and hurt, I had figured it out. I was 31 by then and I was worried it was too late to be doing this, but it wasn’t. It is never too late to figure your shit out. I have lots of pictures of myself starting then to track my progress. You can see the weariness in my eyes begin to dissipate over the weeks. When I talked to my mother about being trans in those first few months, she had a lot of questions. She asked me some pretty typical things, but notably, she asked me Why do gay people need pride? She was very fixated on the word pride. I told her pretty plainly that it is about being unashamed. That clicked for her, I guess because she has since become the strongest ally in my family and even confronts and cusses out homophobes and transphobes in public (she is pretty rad). No matter what you’re going through, no matter how scary things are in the world, no matter what is happening, it is NOT too late to figure it out. It is not too late to be unashamed of yourself. Be strong because things get better. I know that everyone is going through different degrees of bullshit. Stay safe first and foremost, but don’t be scared. You’ve got this. You can do this. You are stronger than you know. You are capable of so much. I am happier now than I have ever been (PTSD aside). I am healing. I smile more than I ever have in my life. I look in the mirror and I see myself. If you look at side by side photos of me - the biggest changes are not from my HRT - it’s in my eyes. There’s light in my eyes now. I feel life now. I don’t know how to describe it. I spent 31 years desaturated and grey and then everything was so vivid and powerful and overwhelming. Music I had been listening to since I was a kid was suddenly bringing me so much joy that I would cry from the sheer overwhelming power of it. Even old ska songs fucked me up. Movies and games pulled me in with a visceral strength and immersion I hadn’t felt in years. It was like I had never felt sunshine and suddenly I was bright and warm and glowing. I couldn’t – I can’t get enough of life now. I’m not sure how to wrap this up. I feel a little meandering and noncohesive, but my point is, at the end of this, despite things getting terrible and horrible and hopeless – is that there’s always hope. Be kind to yourself and take your time if you need to, but if you have to rip off a band aid and throw yourself to the wolves, you will make it, you will pick yourself up eventually. If you are still in the closet, that’s okay. I only mean to let you know it will be okay. You can still be proud of who you are this Pride Month even if you have to do so silently. And, one day, life will be so raw and loud and vivid and beautiful that the pain will fade.
June 6, 2025 at 5:31 AM
Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
ashaxle.bsky.social
We got through ten prompts today, I'll put them below as a thread! It was good to stream again, appreciate ya'll so much, FUCK.

Thanks for the raid @itsjustmages.bsky.social! We raided over to @zer0kelvin.bsky.social!!

Prompts from KupGoodle, @unknownpug.games, Zora, and @zer0kelvin.bsky.social
Ash in a halfpipe doing a 900 in a forklift A blue green bean with a controller and a hat that says "I fucking love tits" Xenomorph and a Yautja making out An estrogen pill holding a switchblade
January 29, 2025 at 8:45 AM
Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
ashaxle.bsky.social
Prompts from @chocolatecatgp.bsky.social and @zer0kelvin.bsky.social!
Ash throwing a bucket of mayo on a burger Ash eating a burger covered in mayo in a recreation of Squidward eating a Krabby Patty
January 29, 2025 at 8:45 AM
Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
emikasumi.live
Hey all, woke up today to my card being overdrawn, so I'm opening emergency commissions. All my stuff is 50% off or more, and you'll not only be supporting me and Ash, but also helping me get verified on VGen! You can find my terms and more details over at vgen.co/emikasumi - thanks for reading! 🦊♥
November 27, 2024 at 12:28 AM
Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
ashaxle.bsky.social
I've been seeing people scared and posting about hiding, hurting themselves, stopping HRT, and panicking. The one thing that has always made me feel safe being trans in public, is seeing other openly queer people around me. You could be that person for someone else. Don't give up, remain unashamed, remain proud of who you are. Keep existing in the face of hardship, because your light could save someone. That's what saved me years ago.
November 6, 2024 at 9:34 PM
Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
ashaxle.bsky.social
I know it's scary, but keep your heads up, keep fighting, keep supporting those around you, and never give up.

We will get through it together just like we always do. Even if you feel alone, you aren't. You'll be okay, you'll make it through.

Keep going, okay?🏳️‍⚧️
November 6, 2024 at 9:26 AM
Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
ironmouse.vshojo.com
bruh
October 25, 2024 at 3:34 AM
Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
emikasumi.live
WOW SHIT OH FUCK🏳️‍⚧️
October 20, 2024 at 10:43 PM
Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
emfacepalm.bsky.social
Lots of new followers so I'll say hello. My name is Em. I'm a vtuber on Twitch and I stream Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

I mostly stream games. I like playing indies. I also enjoy yapping so I do that a lot.

I love meeting new people so please drop by!

twitch.tv/emfacepalm

#vtuber #ghost
Em hanging out on the beach.
October 21, 2024 at 1:09 AM
Reposted by Zer0 Kelvin
hcnone.bsky.social
i was wondering why none of the jp/kr artists i followed recently were showing up in my feeds and it's because of this -_- ... turned it off and now everything's showing up 😬
October 18, 2024 at 11:30 PM