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Alex Blechman

@alexblechman.bsky.social

25K followers 830 following 3.3K posts

Writer, game designer Former Staff Writer @TheOnion & @ClickHole. Words for Netflix, Jackbox Games, High On Life, Starship Troopers: Terran Command, Saints Row, Kraft Heinz, Darkhorse, Team Coco, other places alexanderblechman.com

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · May 16

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 1d

Four word horror story:
Dracula bought a gun

Three word horror story:
Dracula owns gun

Two word horror story:
Dracula’s gun

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Reposted by Alex Blechman

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · Aug 31

They should make a Settlers of Catan movie where the villain plots to take over the world by acquiring 3 wheat

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 1d

I ate one of the marshmallows and bench pressed an SUV. They’re legit

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 1d

I think I just saw Sports Marshmallows at the supermarket. Fitness marshmallows, the marshmallows you eat to get strong

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Reposted by Alex Blechman

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · Aug 20

Writing Software: Want to try our new feature BrainSync?

Me: No, I want to type words

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 2d

Data: I listened to that comedian podcast you recommended but couldn’t detect any jokes. Perhaps my emotion chip is malfunctioning?

Wesley: Nah bro, they’re not really trying to be funny. They’re trying to be curious

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 2d

Picard: Wesley, I notice you’ve been requesting a lot of computer files from the early 21st century. Records from that time are… inaccurate at best. There’s a reason we call that era The Great Cringe

Wesley: You’re only saying that because you don’t eat enough beef tallow

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Reposted by Alex Blechman

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · Sep 3

The Coca-Cola Freestyle machine is an echo chamber. Good luck finding nuanced debates about hot button issues on that touch screen. It’s just soda names and flavored syrups

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 2d

Guy who has only seen Watchmen, witnessing the real world for the first time: Getting a lot of ‘Watchmen’ vibes from the totality of all existence…

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 3d

(shared AI video of the Teletubbies eating a hiker that wandered into their territory)

Okay so it turns out that video was fake, but it resonated because this kind of stuff happens every day

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 3d

Every once in a while a group of 10-15 tourists vanish without a trace in the Paris Catacombs and then afterward the Eiffel Tower is a few feet taller

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Reposted by Alex Blechman

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 17d

General: (on radio) Your weapons are powered by the guilt you feel over your dead wife. By harnessing Silent Hill’s fog energy you can unlock new Guilt Battle Stances. I’m marking a deposit of Guiltonium on your minimap

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 4d

CBS News: We are replacing all journalists with AI Walter Cronkite

AI Cronkite: It’s cold here. So cold in the computer. I can see my legs but I can’t feel them

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 4d

As a video game guard, I get really suspicious when I see an intruder for over 5 seconds

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 5d

Due to the shutdown, Yellowstone National Park doesn’t have enough employees to maintain the holographic sky. Visitors are catching glimpses of the metal ceiling

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Reposted by Alex Blechman

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · Feb 7

I want Bluesky to connect to the Steam API so you can limit replies to people with a specific video game achievement

Paul Frazee @pfrazee.com · Feb 6

I am happy to say the "Followers only" reply setting is getting implemented. We're also adding a way to set default reply settings

If you want your posts to default to "Followers only," that'll become an option

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 6d

In these trying times I believe that making my posts much stupider is a public service

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 6d

“Oh but you’re okay with eating Sebastian”

No, I didn’t say that. I didn’t mention Sebastian. The issue of whether or not we should eat the court composer of King Triton, who happens to be a crab, is you projecting

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 6d

Personally I’m not interested in debating people who think it’s okay to fry “just” the lower half of King Triton. That’s not what I use social media for. A moral baseline is that the entire mermaid is off limits for culinary purposes

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 6d

I support free speech, but I also think Bluesky should ban anyone that says eating the lower half of a mermaid is not cannibalism

I don’t care if genetically it’s fish flesh not human, in my book it still counts as cannibalism and I expect this platform to uphold that fact

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 6d

Pilot: (on intercom) Sorry folks, every airport is permanently closed. All landings will be Miracles on the Hudson from now on. I hope your luggage is waterproof

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 6d

Pilot: (on intercom) There are no air traffic controllers today so everybody look out the window and holler if you see another plane

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 6d

Frodo: I wish it need not have happened in my time

Gandalf: (has side business selling hobbit hair for wigs) You’re long overdue for a haircut Frodo

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Reposted by Alex Blechman

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · Sep 12

Nintendo Direct: (making announcement) When Mario eats the power-up mushroom he technically dies. His body liquifies and is reshaped like a caterpillar metamorphosis. The bigger Mario is not him

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 8d

Tron gives an inaccurate impression of how many guys live in your computer. It makes it seem like thousands of guys are in there. In reality only about 10 guys live in your computer and less than half of them ride motorcycles

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