Alex Blechman
@alexblechman.bsky.social
Writer, game designer
Former Staff Writer @TheOnion & @ClickHole.
Words for Netflix, Jackbox Games, High On Life, Starship Troopers: Terran Command, Saints Row, Kraft Heinz, Darkhorse, Team Coco, other places
alexanderblechman.com
Former Staff Writer @TheOnion & @ClickHole.
Words for Netflix, Jackbox Games, High On Life, Starship Troopers: Terran Command, Saints Row, Kraft Heinz, Darkhorse, Team Coco, other places
alexanderblechman.com
Pinned
Alex Blechman
@alexblechman.bsky.social
· May 16
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
Reposted by Alex Blechman
Every year Thanksgiving devolves into a huge argument between the family members that think Tom Bombadil is a superfluous tangent and those shouting he’s essential LOTR worldbuilding
November 25, 2024 at 10:38 PM
Every year Thanksgiving devolves into a huge argument between the family members that think Tom Bombadil is a superfluous tangent and those shouting he’s essential LOTR worldbuilding
Thanks to Black Friday I can finally achieve my dream of having a full wardrobe of Bail Organa Security Aide Tunics. Every day I can flaunt the same style tunic as that Alderaan functionary who walks down a hallway with Bail Organa in one scene
November 26, 2025 at 5:32 PM
Thanks to Black Friday I can finally achieve my dream of having a full wardrobe of Bail Organa Security Aide Tunics. Every day I can flaunt the same style tunic as that Alderaan functionary who walks down a hallway with Bail Organa in one scene
Ranking of Star Wars movies based on whether they have Dexter Jettster the 1950s diner alien:
1. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
2. Every other movie
1. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
2. Every other movie
November 25, 2025 at 10:09 PM
Ranking of Star Wars movies based on whether they have Dexter Jettster the 1950s diner alien:
1. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
2. Every other movie
1. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
2. Every other movie
Are millennials too snooty to drink puddle water? Here’s why “tap guzzlers” aren’t just selfish, they’re our next economic crisis
November 25, 2025 at 8:33 PM
Are millennials too snooty to drink puddle water? Here’s why “tap guzzlers” aren’t just selfish, they’re our next economic crisis
Order tracking email: Something totes amazeballs is in the mail! Get hella stoked for your DISH SPONGE (QUANTITY 1)
November 24, 2025 at 7:07 PM
Order tracking email: Something totes amazeballs is in the mail! Get hella stoked for your DISH SPONGE (QUANTITY 1)
I don’t have to tell you whether animal crackers are alive in the Toy Story universe. If you look in your heart you already know the horrific truth
November 24, 2025 at 2:45 AM
I don’t have to tell you whether animal crackers are alive in the Toy Story universe. If you look in your heart you already know the horrific truth
Bluesky is censored in Ohio. It is forbidden to speak of lands beyond Ohio on Ohio Bluesky. In Ohio you must call non-Ohio “The Forsaken Beyond.” People not of Ohio are “Buckeyeless”
November 23, 2025 at 11:46 PM
Bluesky is censored in Ohio. It is forbidden to speak of lands beyond Ohio on Ohio Bluesky. In Ohio you must call non-Ohio “The Forsaken Beyond.” People not of Ohio are “Buckeyeless”
Reposted by Alex Blechman
(replying to your post)
I know it’s a joke, but cooking and eating a minion “goggles and all” would be morally wrong even if it’s technically legal
I know it’s a joke, but cooking and eating a minion “goggles and all” would be morally wrong even if it’s technically legal
October 18, 2025 at 4:11 PM
(replying to your post)
I know it’s a joke, but cooking and eating a minion “goggles and all” would be morally wrong even if it’s technically legal
I know it’s a joke, but cooking and eating a minion “goggles and all” would be morally wrong even if it’s technically legal
I bumped my head while skiing. Everything that happened the past 20 years is the dream I’m having in my coma
November 23, 2025 at 1:20 AM
I bumped my head while skiing. Everything that happened the past 20 years is the dream I’m having in my coma
Careful, Neo. If you die while converting a webp file to jpeg you die in real life
November 22, 2025 at 11:31 PM
Careful, Neo. If you die while converting a webp file to jpeg you die in real life
Toy Story 5
Woody and Buzz discover that toys are alive because they’re ushabti, holy figurines destined to escort their owners into the afterlife. After Andy dies of old age and his heart is weighed heavier than a feather, the toys reunite to rescue his soul from Ammit
Woody and Buzz discover that toys are alive because they’re ushabti, holy figurines destined to escort their owners into the afterlife. After Andy dies of old age and his heart is weighed heavier than a feather, the toys reunite to rescue his soul from Ammit
November 21, 2025 at 7:49 PM
Toy Story 5
Woody and Buzz discover that toys are alive because they’re ushabti, holy figurines destined to escort their owners into the afterlife. After Andy dies of old age and his heart is weighed heavier than a feather, the toys reunite to rescue his soul from Ammit
Woody and Buzz discover that toys are alive because they’re ushabti, holy figurines destined to escort their owners into the afterlife. After Andy dies of old age and his heart is weighed heavier than a feather, the toys reunite to rescue his soul from Ammit
Reposted by Alex Blechman
Me: Obviously Lois Lane would be Miss Piggy in Muppet Superman. Kermit should be Clark Kent but *NOT* Superman. Superman is Henry Cavill and looking like a frog is just him acting meek
Fellow Bunker Resident: (glances at screen counting down “Safe Surface Radiation Level 37.6 years”) Ugh
Fellow Bunker Resident: (glances at screen counting down “Safe Surface Radiation Level 37.6 years”) Ugh
December 21, 2024 at 5:32 PM
Me: Obviously Lois Lane would be Miss Piggy in Muppet Superman. Kermit should be Clark Kent but *NOT* Superman. Superman is Henry Cavill and looking like a frog is just him acting meek
Fellow Bunker Resident: (glances at screen counting down “Safe Surface Radiation Level 37.6 years”) Ugh
Fellow Bunker Resident: (glances at screen counting down “Safe Surface Radiation Level 37.6 years”) Ugh
Pundit: Be careful what you wish for. You want to release the Epstein Files to take down your political opponents. But what if it also implicates your favorite person, the beloved sandwich salesman Jared Fogle?
November 19, 2025 at 5:40 PM
Pundit: Be careful what you wish for. You want to release the Epstein Files to take down your political opponents. But what if it also implicates your favorite person, the beloved sandwich salesman Jared Fogle?
I don’t think there should be a muppet knives out, but in the knives out universe there should be a muppet movie starring benoit blanc playing himself
Am I a hypocrite for wanting this after giving a hard no to muppet knives out
Okay, I'm making my case for the only Muppet I want to see on Broadway right now...
November 19, 2025 at 3:08 PM
I don’t think there should be a muppet knives out, but in the knives out universe there should be a muppet movie starring benoit blanc playing himself
Reposted by Alex Blechman
Every once in a while a group of 10-15 tourists vanish without a trace in the Paris Catacombs and then afterward the Eiffel Tower is a few feet taller
October 11, 2025 at 6:24 PM
Every once in a while a group of 10-15 tourists vanish without a trace in the Paris Catacombs and then afterward the Eiffel Tower is a few feet taller
Sometimes the worm emerged from his mouth, a pulsating eight-foot tendril of writhing flesh flopping like spaghetti from a trendy Brooklyn trattoria. The worm lifted his body off the ground and slithered towards unknown destinations. It never concerned him though. "The worm knows where it's going."
November 18, 2025 at 4:56 AM
Sometimes the worm emerged from his mouth, a pulsating eight-foot tendril of writhing flesh flopping like spaghetti from a trendy Brooklyn trattoria. The worm lifted his body off the ground and slithered towards unknown destinations. It never concerned him though. "The worm knows where it's going."
Reposted by Alex Blechman
There should be a Game Award category “Brought Comfort To Millions Of Introverted Middle-Aged Dads.”
Every year it’d be won by a title called something like “Cement Truck Driver Simulator” and part of the game is passing 30 hours of OSHA certification
Every year it’d be won by a title called something like “Cement Truck Driver Simulator” and part of the game is passing 30 hours of OSHA certification
November 18, 2024 at 8:57 PM
There should be a Game Award category “Brought Comfort To Millions Of Introverted Middle-Aged Dads.”
Every year it’d be won by a title called something like “Cement Truck Driver Simulator” and part of the game is passing 30 hours of OSHA certification
Every year it’d be won by a title called something like “Cement Truck Driver Simulator” and part of the game is passing 30 hours of OSHA certification
(excerpt from passionate and heartfelt autobiography)
I want you to want me. Furthermore, I need you to need me. I’d love you? To love me. In an ironic twist, I’m begging you to beg me
I want you to want me. Furthermore, I need you to need me. I’d love you? To love me. In an ironic twist, I’m begging you to beg me
November 17, 2025 at 8:04 PM
(excerpt from passionate and heartfelt autobiography)
I want you to want me. Furthermore, I need you to need me. I’d love you? To love me. In an ironic twist, I’m begging you to beg me
I want you to want me. Furthermore, I need you to need me. I’d love you? To love me. In an ironic twist, I’m begging you to beg me
Reposted by Alex Blechman
All SCP foundation personnel were furloughed during the shutdown. Entities were left unguarded in their cells without the usual containment rituals. Nobody played jazz music to soothe the lamp that eats people
November 11, 2025 at 4:43 PM
All SCP foundation personnel were furloughed during the shutdown. Entities were left unguarded in their cells without the usual containment rituals. Nobody played jazz music to soothe the lamp that eats people
Reposted by Alex Blechman
I put $30 in the Labubu vending machine and it dispenses a figurine with my face. I scream. The figurine screams back
July 9, 2025 at 3:52 PM
I put $30 in the Labubu vending machine and it dispenses a figurine with my face. I scream. The figurine screams back
Sensei says I am not yet ready to learn the secrets of karate. First I must prove myself worthy by paying $80 for lessons
November 15, 2025 at 7:03 PM
Sensei says I am not yet ready to learn the secrets of karate. First I must prove myself worthy by paying $80 for lessons
Pennywise: (tied to chair) Look pal, I don’t like you and you don’t like me but if we’re gonna get out of this alive we need to work together
James Bond: (also tied to chair) All right you clown bastard. A truce. For now
*Kramer walks in holding pliers*
Kramer: Giddy up
James Bond: (also tied to chair) All right you clown bastard. A truce. For now
*Kramer walks in holding pliers*
Kramer: Giddy up
Why Isn’t Pennywise in The Running Man? It's more complicated than you might think... bit.ly/4a04Vvk
November 15, 2025 at 4:42 PM
Pennywise: (tied to chair) Look pal, I don’t like you and you don’t like me but if we’re gonna get out of this alive we need to work together
James Bond: (also tied to chair) All right you clown bastard. A truce. For now
*Kramer walks in holding pliers*
Kramer: Giddy up
James Bond: (also tied to chair) All right you clown bastard. A truce. For now
*Kramer walks in holding pliers*
Kramer: Giddy up
Every time you lose to a Silksong boss they make you do a little walk of shame to get back there. Not an easy one either, sometimes you have to redo a gauntlet of enemies or a tricky platforming section. I’m not complaining though. I accept the punishment. I deserve this for dodging wrong
November 15, 2025 at 5:41 AM
Every time you lose to a Silksong boss they make you do a little walk of shame to get back there. Not an easy one either, sometimes you have to redo a gauntlet of enemies or a tricky platforming section. I’m not complaining though. I accept the punishment. I deserve this for dodging wrong
Man in commercial: Dead grandma, can you give me advice on how to survive my first day in prison?
AI Grandma: (on phone) You betcha kiddo! Prison is a pyramid and you gotta make sure you’re on top of the food chain. So first you’re going to get a toothbrush and a way of sharpening it to a point
AI Grandma: (on phone) You betcha kiddo! Prison is a pyramid and you gotta make sure you’re on top of the food chain. So first you’re going to get a toothbrush and a way of sharpening it to a point
November 14, 2025 at 8:11 PM
Man in commercial: Dead grandma, can you give me advice on how to survive my first day in prison?
AI Grandma: (on phone) You betcha kiddo! Prison is a pyramid and you gotta make sure you’re on top of the food chain. So first you’re going to get a toothbrush and a way of sharpening it to a point
AI Grandma: (on phone) You betcha kiddo! Prison is a pyramid and you gotta make sure you’re on top of the food chain. So first you’re going to get a toothbrush and a way of sharpening it to a point
This is wrong. We should not trap the souls of dead people in computers. Souls should be trapped in amulets
November 14, 2025 at 7:58 PM
This is wrong. We should not trap the souls of dead people in computers. Souls should be trapped in amulets