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Alex Blechman

@alexblechman.bsky.social

25K followers 830 following 3.3K posts

Writer, game designer Former Staff Writer @TheOnion & @ClickHole. Words for Netflix, Jackbox Games, High On Life, Starship Troopers: Terran Command, Saints Row, Kraft Heinz, Darkhorse, Team Coco, other places alexanderblechman.com

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · May 16

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 22m

Pilot: (on intercom) Sorry folks, every airport is permanently closed. All landings will be Miracles on the Hudson from now on. I hope your luggage is waterproof

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 37m

Pilot: (on intercom) There are no air traffic controllers today so everybody look out the window and holler if you see another plane

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 1h

Frodo: I wish it need not have happened in my time

Gandalf: (has side business selling hobbit hair for wigs) You’re long overdue for a haircut Frodo

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Reposted by Alex Blechman

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 25d

Nintendo Direct: (making announcement) When Mario eats the power-up mushroom he technically dies. His body liquifies and is reshaped like a caterpillar metamorphosis. The bigger Mario is not him

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 1d

Tron gives an inaccurate impression of how many guys live in your computer. It makes it seem like thousands of guys are in there. In reality only about 10 guys live in your computer and less than half of them ride motorcycles

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 2d

The Jerry Seinfeld bee is Silksong’s final boss

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 2d

Silksong ending where you dig up to the surface, find yourself on a giant picnic blanket, and learn the entire bug kingdom is underneath Central Park

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 3d

Immediately after posting this I used silk powers to defeat a boss, and now I’m going to use them all the time

I’m approaching Silksong combat mechanics like a 5-year-old trying new foods. “No I won’t eat pizza, pizza is yucky”

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 3d

I probably will use thread storm next time they do the classic trick “lock you in a room with 3 dudes”

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 3d

I remember when HK1 had a charm that regenerated infinite mana and then after you get far enough in the game they remove it lol

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 3d

When I complain about Silksong’s difficulty I’m not complaining. I know what I signed up for here. Look, I played Godmaster. I delivered the damn flower. This is not a surprise

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 3d

I’m convinced these powers are mainly intended for speed runners to shave off 10% of their playtime if they never get hit

I on the other hand will not be throwing my healing potions as projectile weapons

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 3d

In Silksong your magic attacks use up the same mana as healing

So functionally they don’t exist for me. I’m always going to need healing. Silksong keeps granting new powers like “Laser Silk” and I toss it on the pile of cool unused abilities. Thanks but you have me mistaken for a skilled player

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 3d

Asking “is the postal service profitable?” is a new thing

If you visit a 1950s post office it looks like a Greek temple. They have statues of eagles. There’s a big mural of a flying woman holding a cornucopia. They didn’t whine “is the bronze bas-relief of Prosperity profitable?”

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Reposted by Alex Blechman

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 22d

Bluey episode where the dog family visits a museum filled with 1,000,000 year old extinct human skeletons

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 4d

Unfortunately Doritos Wet are moistened with tap water from a city where the tap water has a metallic taste. Fans love that it falls apart in your hands and is flavored like a spoon

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 4d

They’re a liminal space turned into a home

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 4d

That could work. I also think original twitter should have made their own built-in patreon back in 2010

But it’s important not to be biased in favor of those specific places that give them money. If they get paid by Dogfood dot com I don’t want the bsky feed only packed with Dogfood influencers

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 5d

It wouldn’t be that bad. Every 20th post would be

“Try new Doritos Wet. The great taste of Doritos but this time it’s damp”

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 5d

I’m still hazy on the alternative. “We’re now offering Bluemax Premium. It’s a subscription service that’s everything you love about Bluesky but now it’s $7.99”

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 5d

My unpopular opinion is that Bluesky’s most likely path to profitability is occasionally shoving an ad for Doritos in the newsfeed

They don’t want to do that. People don’t want them to do that. But shoving an ad for Doritos in the newsfeed is a proven method of turning social media into money

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 6d

NPC: To craft a Computer you need 8 Deer Antlers. There are Deer in the forest you can fight. I heard a rumor Deer are weak against Flamethrower

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 7d

Me: I hate the diagonal dive attack in Silksong. It's so hard to pull off

Silksong: Okay, this item changes your moveset to be exactly like Hollow Knight 1

Me: How am I supposed to play without a diagonal dive attack?!

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Reposted by Alex Blechman

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · Aug 12

My Duolingo lessons are teaching how to say “We are still trapped in the dream.” I’m learning useful phrases like “We only dreamt we woke up” and “The Dream Master won’t let us leave”

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · 7d

I see we’re doing the “Do turtles have a house inside their shells?” discourse again

Yes, of course they have a cozy little cottage with a couch and chairs. Obviously they have a hat stand. Where else would they put their fedora?

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