Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Jun 26

hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am

1 16 120

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Jun 11

sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested

6 72

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 31

legacy of kain went hard

1

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 30

[girl petting my dog] what's his name?
[me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

2 69 270

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 23

[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot

2 41

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 21

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

4 47

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 19

[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may

1 5 43

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 16

if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you

1 3 43

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 13

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now

1 4 56

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 9

personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you
me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok

5 46

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 9

pope leo was my father

2 1 16

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 8

[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised

3 22 130

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 6

[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this

3 56 250

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · May 1

do you think he still does this

1 1

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Apr 30

[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza]
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

1 7 57

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Apr 23

i
fell
into
a Burger King deep fryer
i turned
brown brown brown
medical help was required
and it
burns burns burns
that BK fryer
that BK fryer

4 25 110

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Apr 9

it's never enough

2

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Apr 9

[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the
[flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no

1 3 49

Reposted by cat damon

Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · Apr 5

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

31 330 1.7K

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Apr 8

[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME

5 48

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Mar 28

[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back

1 6 43

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Mar 21

[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum

2 7 62

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Mar 14

me: [leaving the inventor of the piñata's funeral] OH MY GOD

7 55

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Mar 12

[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

1 10 68

cat damon @cornonthegoblin.bsky.social · Feb 28

[dribbles between my legs and behind my back]
guy at the urinal next to me: dude

7 73