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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins

@ianfortey.bsky.social

6.5K followers 1.6K following 20K posts

🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter & food writer. Author of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Bon vivant and lustrous man about town. Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · Mar 15

You can buy my books on all kinds of sites that in no way enrich Jeff Bezos, if you want to. Click the link and find all 4 of my self published novels at over a dozen different vendors! Woo!

books2read.com/ap/xdXkEP/Ia...

the cover of my book Do Velociraptors Dream of Alternative Rock. It's red and features the silhoutette of a raptor chasing a stick man

the cover of my book Shit's About to Get Weird. It's black and white with yellow letters and a creepy, yellow-eyed cat thing.

the cover of my book WereCage. It's purple, with the moon in the top corner, and features a stickman chasing another stickman.

the cover of my book When Demons Drea. It features a pink gradient and a demon stickman with a pitch fork chasing a much smaller stickman.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 9h

Ha!

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 9h

YEEEAAAHHHH!!!!

I love that pic.

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 10h

Yay! Then he can run at ultimate speed in the yard.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 10h

Turkey liver and some thigh meat! Ooh. Plus some squash and a Mac and cheese

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 11h

Fergus and Mr. Beans have eaten a dangerous amount of turkey. I'm sitting like a boss now.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 13h

Yay! I have a wee dinner ready for Sully, too.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 13h

I have lots of food if you wanna come over!

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 14h

No, I don't feel like a complete idiot who spent 12 hours over 2 days making all this food, why do you ask?

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 14h

*loosens my tie*

I'm going in.

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 14h

Sometimes just my face

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 14h

I have like 10 pounds of Mac and cheese here.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 14h

So they wouldn't let me bring any of the food i made into the retirement home because they said they didn't know what was in it and whoever told me I could make all this food and bring it was wrong. So that's awesome.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 16h

Golden crispy cheesy melty goodness.

A baked Mac and cheese casserole in a foil pan

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 16h

Mmm hmm.

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 16h

I would have included video of stirring the sauce but it took 2 hands. Oh, she thick.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 17h

Just have to do potatoes, gravy, whipped cream and reheat squash now. My back feels like someone took the muscles off and put them back on upside down.

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 17h

I try to use both hands.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 17h

If a cook makes me a sandwich laced with dog shit and then snidely dismisses my critiques because I wont try it, he can pretend he's the most brilliant chef in the world but I'm still going to be pretty happy not eating shit.

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 17h

Making that roux! Got 1/2 pound of butter, a diced onion, 2 minced garlic cloves, some mustard powder, pepper, about 3/4 cups of flour and then some half & half and milk. Then just shy of 5 lbs of cheese. Behold the preposterous pre-baked final product!

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 18h

Whatever you say, foil tray.

The interior of a foil tray stamped with the words always support the bottom

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 19h

You're doing that, too??

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 19h

Turkey is stuffed and in the oven. 34 deviled eggs are done. Gonna make mashed potatoes and Mac and cheese yet, then reheat the squash from yesterday, some gravy, and boom. Pack it up with the pies and I'm off like a bandit.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 19h

Put my back into it.

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 19h

Mmmm hmm. I sliced em up real nice

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 22h

Kid Rock has a habit of calling liberal women ugly but rarely addresses the facts that he appears to be the malnourished ghost of a skeleton's bug-eyed penis.

A shirtless, decrepit Kid Rock with a hat on and a wrist brace drinking a Busch Light beer with no shirt on and staring slightly off center the way only a hapless, addle-brained miscreant can

Another image of shirtless Kid Rock with his wrist brace and Busch light. He looks like someone put him on a bus but he doesn't know where it's going

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