Ian of the Lizard Folk
@ianfortey.bsky.social
🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter & food writer. Author of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Bon vivant and lustrous man about town.
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
Pinned
It's that time of year! I'm doing custom stories! $0.10 per word for any genre, any topic, anything you can imagine. I've been doing these since Twitter. Get your dad a story in which he & Bigfoot fight Martians. Or maybe your cat needs to fight space Nazis. Or maybe you want Hobbit smut. Hit me up!
Trailblazing!!
Wow where did he get an amazing idea like that
November 27, 2025 at 4:07 AM
Trailblazing!!
Best friends passed out like rubby dubs.
November 27, 2025 at 3:04 AM
Best friends passed out like rubby dubs.
Thumbs up for Stranger Things making a joke about how old Holly is because we all know she ain't that old.
November 27, 2025 at 2:02 AM
Thumbs up for Stranger Things making a joke about how old Holly is because we all know she ain't that old.
I have convinced Netlfix to work for me after several minutes of failure.
November 27, 2025 at 1:04 AM
I have convinced Netlfix to work for me after several minutes of failure.
Angelina never fixed my hunchback. The 90s were bullshit.
November 27, 2025 at 12:41 AM
Angelina never fixed my hunchback. The 90s were bullshit.
Fergus is infatuated by the waves, apparently.
November 26, 2025 at 11:16 PM
Fergus is infatuated by the waves, apparently.
*seagull and pelican watching a crab sprint across a beach at lightning speeds as he jerks off with one oversized claw*
Gull: Jesus, what was that?
Pelican: Crab. Ran & gooned.
Gull: Jesus, what was that?
Pelican: Crab. Ran & gooned.
November 26, 2025 at 10:52 PM
*seagull and pelican watching a crab sprint across a beach at lightning speeds as he jerks off with one oversized claw*
Gull: Jesus, what was that?
Pelican: Crab. Ran & gooned.
Gull: Jesus, what was that?
Pelican: Crab. Ran & gooned.
Oh, you love Australia? Name six animals that killed you.
November 26, 2025 at 10:38 PM
Oh, you love Australia? Name six animals that killed you.
The most recent episode of Welcome to Derry has left me questioning if the producers understand what fear is and/or if they remember which characters are supposed to experience fear at any given moment. Bit of a let down, gotta say.
November 26, 2025 at 9:20 PM
The most recent episode of Welcome to Derry has left me questioning if the producers understand what fear is and/or if they remember which characters are supposed to experience fear at any given moment. Bit of a let down, gotta say.
Lexx! Lexx! Lexx!
I think if Canada wants to have a strong cultural identity we need to go back to doing what we're best at, making the weirdest fucking TV shows you've ever seen
November 26, 2025 at 8:39 PM
Lexx! Lexx! Lexx!
Baby's first run crying to Twitter.
November 26, 2025 at 7:52 PM
Baby's first run crying to Twitter.
Jesus... dude is a few days away from deciding the toilet is too far away but if he hangs ass off the edge of the bed and shits in one of his empty Arby's bags it's just as good.
November 26, 2025 at 7:48 PM
Jesus... dude is a few days away from deciding the toilet is too far away but if he hangs ass off the edge of the bed and shits in one of his empty Arby's bags it's just as good.
Did someone shut down a big turd plantation recently and send all the turd farmers to Bluesky?
November 26, 2025 at 7:29 PM
Did someone shut down a big turd plantation recently and send all the turd farmers to Bluesky?
Magician: Is this your card??
*shows me my Mastercard before someone puts a bag over my head and I wake up in the trunk of a Buick in a Kentucky scrapyard with no pants and a ton of old potatoes around me*
*shows me my Mastercard before someone puts a bag over my head and I wake up in the trunk of a Buick in a Kentucky scrapyard with no pants and a ton of old potatoes around me*
November 26, 2025 at 7:26 PM
Magician: Is this your card??
*shows me my Mastercard before someone puts a bag over my head and I wake up in the trunk of a Buick in a Kentucky scrapyard with no pants and a ton of old potatoes around me*
*shows me my Mastercard before someone puts a bag over my head and I wake up in the trunk of a Buick in a Kentucky scrapyard with no pants and a ton of old potatoes around me*
Sometimes I imagine what Prince would have been like if, instead of getting into music, he became the manager of a WalMart or a Staples. Just wearing a lot of purple and dealing with customer complaints about poor service and shit.
November 26, 2025 at 7:11 PM
Sometimes I imagine what Prince would have been like if, instead of getting into music, he became the manager of a WalMart or a Staples. Just wearing a lot of purple and dealing with customer complaints about poor service and shit.
If you guys in America have this weekend off and you got a couple hours, you should look up this movie Star Wars. It's pretty alright.
November 26, 2025 at 6:46 PM
If you guys in America have this weekend off and you got a couple hours, you should look up this movie Star Wars. It's pretty alright.
This is one of the most unintentionally funny things I've ever seen someone write on social media.
Well I didn’t intend on poking it and I have little desire to talk about AI here again.
November 26, 2025 at 5:58 PM
This is one of the most unintentionally funny things I've ever seen someone write on social media.
These are original Tin Roof Sundaes from the little Nebraska diner that invented them. While I understand what's happening here, and these are all ingredients that I would enjoy eating, this presentation is so unpleasant to me I would not order this. I don't want sloppy shit food. Can't do it.
November 26, 2025 at 5:47 PM
These are original Tin Roof Sundaes from the little Nebraska diner that invented them. While I understand what's happening here, and these are all ingredients that I would enjoy eating, this presentation is so unpleasant to me I would not order this. I don't want sloppy shit food. Can't do it.
I don't usually post selfies, but it's the holiday season, right? Here's me having fun with some friends who are just off camera.
November 26, 2025 at 5:21 PM
I don't usually post selfies, but it's the holiday season, right? Here's me having fun with some friends who are just off camera.
Chocolate ice cream was invented about 70 years before vanilla and that's pretty dope. Chocolate, at least something close to what we'd recognize as chocolate ice cream, dates back to the 1690s in Italy.
November 26, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Chocolate ice cream was invented about 70 years before vanilla and that's pretty dope. Chocolate, at least something close to what we'd recognize as chocolate ice cream, dates back to the 1690s in Italy.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving for Americans but today is Stranger Things Day for all. Should Eddie Munson return? Yes. Should Vecna have never been created? Yes. Is the dude who plays Hopper apparently a weird ass creep in real life? Yes. Am I stoked because I fucking dig this show? Also yes.
November 26, 2025 at 4:39 PM
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving for Americans but today is Stranger Things Day for all. Should Eddie Munson return? Yes. Should Vecna have never been created? Yes. Is the dude who plays Hopper apparently a weird ass creep in real life? Yes. Am I stoked because I fucking dig this show? Also yes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Looky Eyes. You wanna see the out of doors? You gotta pay. Turn around and take out your wallet or buzz off.
The new $100+ price hike will affect 11 popular parks, including the Grand Canyon and Yosemite. https://cnn.it/44vIB9m
November 26, 2025 at 3:55 PM
Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Looky Eyes. You wanna see the out of doors? You gotta pay. Turn around and take out your wallet or buzz off.
I fought a bear & the bear learned English & yielded the fight & called me CAPTAIN DADDY STRONGARM! I ate 300 eggs in a row & they were all dinosaur eggs & I am a dinosaur! No one has ever beat me in arm wrestling & no one will because only I have arms. I stormed the beach at Normandy & slapped Norm
November 26, 2025 at 3:10 PM
I fought a bear & the bear learned English & yielded the fight & called me CAPTAIN DADDY STRONGARM! I ate 300 eggs in a row & they were all dinosaur eggs & I am a dinosaur! No one has ever beat me in arm wrestling & no one will because only I have arms. I stormed the beach at Normandy & slapped Norm
The absolute worst confection in the history of chocolatiering. Willy Wonka was spinning in his grave every time someone opened one of these gooey monstrosities.
For over 130 years, Canadians either loved or hated Cherry Blossoms.
Considered a staple of the Christmas season, these candies were often found in stockings.
In January 2025, it was announced Cherry Blossoms were being discontinued.
This is their history.
🧵 1/6
Considered a staple of the Christmas season, these candies were often found in stockings.
In January 2025, it was announced Cherry Blossoms were being discontinued.
This is their history.
🧵 1/6
November 26, 2025 at 3:04 PM
The absolute worst confection in the history of chocolatiering. Willy Wonka was spinning in his grave every time someone opened one of these gooey monstrosities.
It's funny to compare the book pirates I was dealing with the last couple of days to the AI champion tech bros today. Both make their points not from the middle ground but from far afield where they think the people opposed to them are silly, ignorant, ill-informed or caught in systems of the past
November 26, 2025 at 2:41 PM
It's funny to compare the book pirates I was dealing with the last couple of days to the AI champion tech bros today. Both make their points not from the middle ground but from far afield where they think the people opposed to them are silly, ignorant, ill-informed or caught in systems of the past