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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins

@ianfortey.bsky.social

6.5K followers 1.6K following 19K posts

🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter & food writer. Author of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Bon vivant and lustrous man about town. Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage

books2read.com

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · Mar 15

You can buy my books on all kinds of sites that in no way enrich Jeff Bezos, if you want to. Click the link and find all 4 of my self published novels at over a dozen different vendors! Woo!

books2read.com/ap/xdXkEP/Ia...

the cover of my book Do Velociraptors Dream of Alternative Rock. It's red and features the silhoutette of a raptor chasing a stick man

the cover of my book Shit's About to Get Weird. It's black and white with yellow letters and a creepy, yellow-eyed cat thing.

the cover of my book WereCage. It's purple, with the moon in the top corner, and features a stickman chasing another stickman.

the cover of my book When Demons Drea. It features a pink gradient and a demon stickman with a pitch fork chasing a much smaller stickman.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 7h

Dragula is in this movie. I am as old as the hills.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 8h

You're telling me I can buy the 1999 classic Idle Hands starting @devonsawa.bsky.social and Jessica Alba for just $4.99? Hell yeah!

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 8h

I saw this at the store and if it wasn't $9 I would have bought it, but I'm not going to pay $9 for 200 g of mushroom that's been jammed into the shape of a steak.

A box of omni Lions mane mushroom slices. The box is green and the picture on it really looks like a steak. If they made it look like that for real on the inside, good job.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 10h

*throws my boxers at you*

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 10h

The power of your memory has brought them back to life

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 10h

I've never even heard of them before. Now I'm hesitant to try to learn about them.

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 11h

That was never a real band.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 11h

Stryper Snipers grooving to their #23 hit.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 11h

I'm a Winger Dinger! *throws panties with frayed elastic*

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 11h

What would have been the most embarrassing 80s metal band to be a groupie for?

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 11h

Yay!!

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 13h

S'up?

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Reposted by Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins

Pandy Fackler 🎃 @thatbrenna.bsky.social · 1d

Hey y'all. My 17 year old cat, Gladys, is very sick and needs to go to the vet but i can't afford it rn. If anyone can help, my c*shapp is $brennamcm

The vet gave an estimate of $250 for an exam and labwork. Im so scared she's going to die. If you can help at all, I'd appreciate it

Ilu ♥️

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

I have 73 work emails.

*closes email*

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

Hmm, deeper cuts, maybe...

Clown, Veronica, Haunt, Caveat, Daddy's Head, The Devil's Backbone, The Orphanage and Here Comes the Devil.

Anything there?

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

Terrified and When Evil Lurks by Demián Rugna

Also Oddity, Anything for Jackson, and Housebound if you like it a little funny.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

Start to finish, just preposterous.

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

It's possible that "when you take a sip, you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets" is the single dumbest line anyone ever committed to song, but I can't be certain.

Say it out loud and remember it's supposed to rhyme.

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

Also

You're the best girl that I ever did see
The great Larry Bird, jersey 33
When you take a sip, you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

Oh, oh! Hold up!

"You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
You love hip hop and rock and roll
Dad took off when you were four years old"

- Summer Girls by LFO

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

I have known you for several years now and not once - NOT ONCE - have you ever mailed me a baked ham. Enough is enough, Colangelo.

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

*sees Keith Richards and Mick Jagger carrying bundles of moss and slaps them out of their hands*

Oh no you don't!

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. But not three. Gimme that three bird bush. Fuck. Look at 'em in there, pecking and peeping and shit. Yeah! Yeah, three birds, yeah!! Ha ha!

*sees four birds in a shrub*

what the fuck??

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Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 15h

*eating a fun-sized Snickers while everyone else stares at me*

Judge: Do you understand the charges that have been brought against you, yes or no??

Me *finishing my Snickers and pulling out another from my orange jumpsuit*: Don't talk to me or my son ever again!

Ian Fortified with Sexy (but spooky) Vitamins @ianfortey.bsky.social · 16h

The meme of that poorly drawn Stickman figure holding a stick with the text come on! Go to the virus site!