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leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe
@leonscafe.bsky.social
100 followers 63 following 1.5K posts
Mental Health Counselor and writer, using ideas as medicine.
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leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 2h
Article: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 3h
Parents may become overly dependent on that child to make them happy. Rather than just being happy about being in the presence of their happy child, some parents demand that others live up to their extremely high standards in order to satisfy them. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Am I Loved Only Because I Perform?
When love is believed to be conditional, based on some form of performance, we may contribute to our mental health struggles in the constant pursuit of that conditional love.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 9h
Learning to tolerate shame may feel like a contradiction, as we often implore patients to deal with their problems head-on. But shame and existential dread are often best addressed by immersing oneself in one’s life and thinking about its meaning less. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 1d
The obsessive pursuit of affection hides shame, feeling unloved. The one pursued is then thrust into the role of a levee, a bland object meant to protect the perfectionist from a rising tide. Irvin Yalom famously asked a patient, “What are people for?” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 1d
Despite providing an exceptional amount of hope, obsessiveness tends to be a dead-end, even if one achieves everything desired. Søren Kierkegaard encapsulated this truth when he wrote, “Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 1d
Perfectionists struggle with difficult conversations, employing various tactics to avoid them. So, if a partner is attempting to open up to them, sharing their own insecurities or hardships, the perfectionist may blame the partner for not doing enough. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Perfectionism Is a Poor Defense for Emotional Vulnerability
Perfectionism, at bottom, is a defense against one's sense of emotional vulnerability, which, counterintuitively, often aids in one's development, relationships, and health.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 1d
Perfectionists devalue what they have as one achievement can’t imply anything meaningful about who one generally is (unless it can somehow effectively remind you that you’re special) and because the process of achievement in itself is hardly ever full of joy. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 1d
On episode 245, we welcome Michael Uebel to discuss the practice of equanimity, how perspective taking helps mitigate difficult feelings in PTSD, bridging political divides, and psychoanalysis as a foundation for increased humility and curiosity.

Full ep: www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoF-...
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 1d
Since many obsessive-compulsive types are preoccupied with their image, rejection generally feels devastating. So, that they may not have even liked the individual rejecting them feels irrelevant. Here, the obsessive pursuit of affection hides one’s shame. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 2d
Article: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 2d
Yalom asked a patient, “What are people for?” But we can broaden his question to ask, “What makes something, a relationship or a personal goal, worth pursuing?” Is its purpose merely to sustain a sense of emotional security or to make you like yourself? www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 2d
The obsessive pursuit of affection hides one’s shame, feeling unwanted and unloved. The individual pursued is then thrust into the role of a levee, a bland object meant to protect the perfectionist from a rising tide. Yalom asked, “What are people for? www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 2d
At bottom, obsessiveness is a paradox, a mixture of both hyper-independence and codependence—the perfectionist singularly chases a life wherein they’re taken care of, one full of material and philosophical provision. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 2d
Despite providing an exceptional amount of hope, obsessiveness tends to be a dead-end, even if one achieves everything they wanted to. Kierkegaard encapsulated this truth when he wrote, “Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 2d
Obsessiveness is a veil for inconvenient and difficult truths, both personal and existential. Those who struggle with obsessiveness often can’t articulate why they love what they obsess over or how having it and holding onto it would make them happy. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Your Obsessive Pursuits Won't Heal Your Shame
Perfectionists tend to obsessively pursue their goals with the false hope that their achievements will extinguish their shame and fears.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 3d
Love is distorted when the parent believes they’re molding the child into the best version of themself. So, love becomes coupled with performing, which, in turn, is coupled with chronic comparison. These children grow up asking, “Where am I in comparison?” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Am I Loved Only Because I Perform?
When love is believed to be conditional, based on some form of performance, we may contribute to our mental health struggles in the constant pursuit of that conditional love.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 3d
At the heart of the perfectionist’s personality-defining need to control is the fear of emotional vulnerability. The perfectionist employs various methods of evasion and dominance, believing they can outwit and conquer each of their weaknesses. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Perfectionism Is a Poor Defense for Emotional Vulnerability
Perfectionism, at bottom, is a defense against one's sense of emotional vulnerability, which, counterintuitively, often aids in one's development, relationships, and health.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 3d
Since perfectionists are often people pleasers, it can be challenging for them to clarify what they want or what they believe in. Being sensitive to rejection, much of their time is consumed with cultivating the right beliefs and behaviors. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Can Perfectionism Be a Form of Self-Deception?
Our actions and our beliefs about right and wrong are often misaligned because of self-deception, a strategy deployed by perfectionists to maintain their self-image.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 3d
Many of the patients I’ve seen over the years are socially prescribed perfectionists; they believe others demand perfection from them. Further, the foundational belief is that true love is conditional, predicated on perfection in some meaningful area(s). www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Am I Loved Only Because I Perform?
When love is believed to be conditional, based on some form of performance, we may contribute to our mental health struggles in the constant pursuit of that conditional love.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 3d
The journey must begin with a clear understanding of one’s options, followed by insight into how their decisions aided but also harmed them. Therapy, if anything, acts as a lighthouse, widening one’s vista. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Perfectionism Is a Poor Defense for Emotional Vulnerability
Perfectionism, at bottom, is a defense against one's sense of emotional vulnerability, which, counterintuitively, often aids in one's development, relationships, and health.
www.psychologytoday.com
1
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 3d
Being a therapist means living with shame. I'm embarrassed to say that patients have given up on me and even more humiliated by having to admit that I employed these rationalizations to move on; it's a piercing feeling. Yet the hole it leaves is needed. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Treatment Resistance and the Therapist's Shame
Personal Perspective: Concepts like treatment resistance and projective identification are often employed to absolve therapists of responsibility for the failure of treatment.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 4d
I often ask people, “What do you feel like you may be missing while preoccupied with keeping yourself safe?” Often, perfectionists don’t know what the alternatives are, at least not in any way we’d consider to be meaningful. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Perfectionism Is a Poor Defense for Emotional Vulnerability
Perfectionism, at bottom, is a defense against one's sense of emotional vulnerability, which, counterintuitively, often aids in one's development, relationships, and health.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 4d
In her wonderful New Yorker article, journalist Leslie Jamison wrote, “In many cases, a frustrated desire for parental acceptance has produced a tyrannical taskmaster driven by a false conditional: If I am perfect, then I’ll be loved.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
Perfectionism and the Excessive Need for Control
Perfectionism entails the excessive need for control, which, while managing one's self-esteem and sense of safety, creates havoc in one's life.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 4d
Therapy asks the perfectionist to acknowledge their hypocrisies (and their denial and projections of them); it asks them to sit with the shame of their painfully acknowledged flaws; and it asks them to challenge their rigidly hierarchical worldview. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Perfectionist's Quest for Immature Love
Socially prescribed perfectionists often equate love with being perfect, failing to acknowledge how their obsession with perfection is chasing the immature form of it.
www.psychologytoday.com
leonscafe.bsky.social
Leon’s Existential Cafe @leonscafe.bsky.social · 4d
Rejection sensitivity, or the conviction that rejection implies disgrace, is a core feature of perfectionism, which can be defined as a coping mechanism for it. Yet, the fear of rejection associated with perfectionism doesn’t resemble normal levels of it. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...
The Intensity of Rejection Sensitivity in Perfectionism
Perfectionists tend to idealize what they don't have and devalue what they do, complicating the meaning and consequences of rejection, which they fear most.
www.psychologytoday.com