Author | Lightnews

Just call me Les.

@lesmartin.bsky.social

220 followers 210 following 2.6K posts

Left leaning, anti Brexit, I will post rubbish jokes, you have been warned!

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1h

TONIGHT ON FOX NEWS.

Rubbish has been strewn all over the garden and my chicken coop has been attacked...

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2h

I went to the paint store to get thinner-it didn’t work

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 3h

Today's the day we turn the clocks back. I'm trying to get it pre 2016 before the referendum...

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 5h

It annoys me when I’m singing along and the artist gets the words wrong.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 7h

Just bought a new sound system made out of cake.
It's called a Gateaux Blaster.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 21h

Wish me luck, I'll be spending 3 hours tomorrow adjusting the oven clock.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 22h

Dog Walkers.

Worst crisp flavour, ever.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 22h

My sister Sarah has been designing dinosaur themed clothing for women. Comment below if you'd like to try Sarah Tops?

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 22h

If drinking alcohol damages short-term memory, just imagine what drinking alcohol can do.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 22h

Julius Caesar asked his weatherman, “What are those small balls of ice falling from the sky?”

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 23h

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life.
Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

If you put a potato in the microwave and push the button marked “pizza” it still comes out as a potato. Why label the buttons if they don’t work.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

My pedantry used to annoy people but after some expensive therapy I'm very proud to say that I haven't been pedantic for 5 days, 17 hours, 23 minutes and 40 seconds.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Was given the task of buying a "Sorry you're leaving" card for a departing colleague. The price was reduced fro £3 to 20 pence. It was certainly a good buy.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

I saw a protester clutching a bike earlier 🚲

He was holding a Raleigh

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Just got an email from the school for a 'Drug and alcohol evening for parents'.

It used to just be a quiz night and a raffle.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

I was outside Tesco’s today and there was a guy playing “Mama Mia” on a didgeridoo. It was an Abba Original.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

My wife says our lovemaking is so bad because I get easily distracted.

Oh well, I’d better get back to it, I suppose!.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Police in Essex are looking for a woman called Sharon who has disappeared without Trace

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Very good

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

I will never forget the words of my grandfather when he kept saying: “Selfish boy. Selfish boy”.
And so years later I became fishmonger.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

A cannibal showed up late for dinner and was given a cold shoulder

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Footwear shopping advice.
Boot's is a waste of time. I'm reporting them to trading standards.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

I can't decide which type of mattress to buy.

I might have to sleep on it

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Theres a new hospital programme starting soon on TV. Its about people who fall over on their elbows and knees. Its called "Graze Anatomy"

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