Author | Lightnews

Just call me Les.

@lesmartin.bsky.social

220 followers 210 following 2.6K posts

Left leaning, anti Brexit, I will post rubbish jokes, you have been warned!

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 57m

Just bought a new sound system made out of cake.
It's called a Gateaux Blaster.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 14h

Wish me luck, I'll be spending 3 hours tomorrow adjusting the oven clock.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 15h

Dog Walkers.

Worst crisp flavour, ever.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 15h

My sister Sarah has been designing dinosaur themed clothing for women. Comment below if you'd like to try Sarah Tops?

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 15h

If drinking alcohol damages short-term memory, just imagine what drinking alcohol can do.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 15h

Julius Caesar asked his weatherman, “What are those small balls of ice falling from the sky?”

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 16h

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life.
Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 19h

If you put a potato in the microwave and push the button marked “pizza” it still comes out as a potato. Why label the buttons if they don’t work.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 20h

My pedantry used to annoy people but after some expensive therapy I'm very proud to say that I haven't been pedantic for 5 days, 17 hours, 23 minutes and 40 seconds.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 23h

Was given the task of buying a "Sorry you're leaving" card for a departing colleague. The price was reduced fro £3 to 20 pence. It was certainly a good buy.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

I saw a protester clutching a bike earlier 🚲

He was holding a Raleigh

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Just got an email from the school for a 'Drug and alcohol evening for parents'.

It used to just be a quiz night and a raffle.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

I was outside Tesco’s today and there was a guy playing “Mama Mia” on a didgeridoo. It was an Abba Original.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

My wife says our lovemaking is so bad because I get easily distracted.

Oh well, I’d better get back to it, I suppose!.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Police in Essex are looking for a woman called Sharon who has disappeared without Trace

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

Very good

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

I will never forget the words of my grandfather when he kept saying: “Selfish boy. Selfish boy”.
And so years later I became fishmonger.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 1d

A cannibal showed up late for dinner and was given a cold shoulder

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Footwear shopping advice.
Boot's is a waste of time. I'm reporting them to trading standards.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

I can't decide which type of mattress to buy.

I might have to sleep on it

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Theres a new hospital programme starting soon on TV. Its about people who fall over on their elbows and knees. Its called "Graze Anatomy"

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

There's a strange virus going around that's causing people to think they are a Royal Navy vessel. I'm a carrier.

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

I have no objection to people being spontaneous.
I just think there is a time and a place for it.

Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

Don't solve the anagram of "apart" in today's cryptic crossword! It's A TRAP!

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Just call me Les. @lesmartin.bsky.social · 2d

The older I get the tighter companies are putting lids on jars!

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