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J. R. Eldridge

@misreadbible.bsky.social

340 followers 200 following 5.4K posts

British satirical author and creator of The MisreadBible series, which parodies the Bible with irreverent wit and a dash of theological side-eye. https://www.misreadbible.com

www.misreadbible.com

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 11d

If you've been enjoying my posts, you'll love my books. Available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook (*).

The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua

www.misreadbible.com/books

The MisreadBible Book Series

Explore The MisreadBible series — a collection of irreverent biblical parodies by J. R. Eldridge. Discover each book’s blasphemous brilliance, formats, and where to buy.

www.misreadbible.com

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 13h

Do not allow a witch to live in your large intestine. – Exodus 22:18

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 14h

If a man seduces a virgin who isn’t pledged to be married, he must buy her from her father and marry her. If her father refuses to sell her, he must marry the father. - Exodus 22:16-17

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 14h

In all cases of illegal possession of property, where one person says, ‘This is mine,’ and the other says, ‘No, this is mine,’ and it goes on like this for hours, the first person to give up and go home loses. – Exodus 22:9

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15h

If anyone gives a neighbour silver or goods for safekeeping and they are stolen from the neighbour’s house, the thief must pay back double. But if the thief is not found, the owner of the house must appear before the judges in spandex performing Swan Lake. – Exodus 22:7-8

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15h

If a fire breaks out and spreads into thorn bushes so that it burns sheaves of corn or standing corn or the whole field, the fire must be punished with water. Naughty fire. - Exodus 22:6

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 16h

If anyone lets their livestock wander free and eat from someone else’s field, the animal should be cut open to retrieve the crops. – Exodus 22:5

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 16h

Anyone who steals a horse must give it back. But if they no longer have the horse, they should be given to the victim and be ridden as a horse... bareback! - Exodus 22:4

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 17h

If somebody’s bull kills someone else’s bull, the remaining bull must be cut equally in two and each shall keep half. However, if the owner put the bull up to it, he must exchange his bull for the dead bull and eat it in full view of the victim. - Exodus 21:35-26

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 17h

If a bull gores a man or woman to death, the bull is to be stoned to death, and its meat must not be eaten. However, if the bull apologises, the owner is to be stoned to death, and his meat can be eaten. - Exodus 21:28-30

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 18h

If a slave owner smacks their slave on the back of the head and knocks out their eye, the slave must become a pirate. If they knock out a tooth, even better! - Exodus 21:26-27

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

You’re right, this one’s more of a paraphrase. Sometimes, for verses like this, I like to highlight how immoral and/or absurd the original is.

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

If two men are fighting, and one of them hits the other but doesn’t kill him, that’s perfectly fine, even if the victim needs the aid of a walking stick. However, if he paralyses him, he must be used as a makeshift wheelchair. - Exodus 21:18-19

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Anyone who strikes a person with a fatal blow is to be put to death. However, if it is not done intentionally, and God lets it happen, God will let you hide out in his garden shed. It’s only fair. - Exodus 21:12-13

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

If you buy a Hebrew slave, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh, he’ll go free. But wait, there’s a loophole. Gives him a wife, and if he doesn’t want to leave her, tag his ear like a bull, and he will be your slave for life. Problem solved! - Exodus 21:2-6

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Moses said to the people, ‘Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.’
Someone piped up, ‘Wait, so should we be unafraid, or should we fear God?’
Moses snapped, ‘Both!’ - Exodus 20:20

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

When Moses returned, the people said to him, ‘Speak to us and we will listen, but don’t let God speak to us, because we can’t stand his screechy voice!’ - Exodus 20:19

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ass, even if dat ass is fine. – Exodus 20:17

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not give false testimony against your neighbour.
You shall not drink cocktails with those little umbrellas in them. Seriously, I hate those friggin’ things. - Exodus 20:13-17

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J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

The Lord called Moses to the top of Mount Sinai. So, Moses went up and the Lord said to him, ‘Go back down and...’
Moses interrupted, ‘Wait wait wait! You had me climb all the way up only to tell me to go back down! You’re a jerk!’ - Exodus 19:20-21

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Then Moses said to the people, ‘Prepare yourselves for the third day. Abstain from sexual relations.’
The people all groaned.
‘Yeah, I know,’ he replied. ‘But God’s not getting any, and he’s a jealous god.’ – Exodus 19:15

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

So, Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. Then they went into the tent to greet each other properly. - Exodus 18:7

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 2d

When the dew was gone, a dark red drink can appeared on the desert floor. When the Israelites took a sip, they said to each other, ‘What is it?’ for it was Dr Pepper, and no fucker knows what it tastes of. - Exodus 16:14

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 2d

So it was that quail came up at evening and covered the camp, and in the morning, on the surface of the wilderness, was a substance as fine as frost on the ground. So, when the children of Israel ate it, Moses said to them, ‘Don’t eat that, it’s quail shit!’ - Exodus 16:13-15

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 2d

When Pharaoh’s horses, chariots and horsemen went into the sea, the Lord brought the waters of the sea back over them. Then Miriam the prophet took a timbrel in her hand, and all the women followed her with timbrels and sang: ‘Another one bites the dust.’ - Exodus 15:19-21

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 2d

Then Moses stretched out his hand and parted the waters again. And the Egyptians tried to cross, so he made the sea return. After an hour of this, the Lord said to Moses, ‘Stop dicking about with the Egyptians, and drown them already!’ - Exodus 14:27-28