J. R. Eldridge
@misreadbible.bsky.social
British satirical author and creator of The MisreadBible series, which parodies the Bible with irreverent wit and a dash of theological side-eye.
https://www.misreadbible.com
https://www.misreadbible.com
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J. R. Eldridge
@misreadbible.bsky.social
· Sep 30
The MisreadBible Book Series
Explore The MisreadBible series — a collection of irreverent biblical parodies by J. R. Eldridge. Discover each book’s blasphemous brilliance, formats, and where to buy.
www.misreadbible.com
If you've been enjoying my posts, you'll love my books. Available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook (*).
The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua
www.misreadbible.com/books
The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua
www.misreadbible.com/books
‘They asked Pilate to have him executed. They took him down from the cross and laid him in a tomb. But for many days he was seen by those who travelled from Galilee to Jerusalem, because we had him taxidermised and sat him at the roadside as a joke.’ – Acts 13:28-31
February 11, 2026 at 1:30 AM
‘They asked Pilate to have him executed. They took him down from the cross and laid him in a tomb. But for many days he was seen by those who travelled from Galilee to Jerusalem, because we had him taxidermised and sat him at the roadside as a joke.’ – Acts 13:28-31
‘Children of Abraham and Gentiles, this message of salvation has been sent to us. The people of Jerusalem didn’t recognise Jesus for he disguised himself with a trench coat and dark glasses. We still don’t know who the fuck that bloke they crucified was…’ – Acts 13:26-27
February 11, 2026 at 1:00 AM
‘Children of Abraham and Gentiles, this message of salvation has been sent to us. The people of Jerusalem didn’t recognise Jesus for he disguised himself with a trench coat and dark glasses. We still don’t know who the fuck that bloke they crucified was…’ – Acts 13:26-27
After the reading from the Tanakh, the leaders of the synagogue said, ‘Brothers, if you have a word of exhortation for the people, please speak.’
Paul stepped forwards and said, ‘Give me all your money, or I’ll shank you!’
‘We said “exhortation”, not “extortion”!’ – Acts 13:15
Paul stepped forwards and said, ‘Give me all your money, or I’ll shank you!’
‘We said “exhortation”, not “extortion”!’ – Acts 13:15
February 11, 2026 at 12:30 AM
After the reading from the Tanakh, the leaders of the synagogue said, ‘Brothers, if you have a word of exhortation for the people, please speak.’
Paul stepped forwards and said, ‘Give me all your money, or I’ll shank you!’
‘We said “exhortation”, not “extortion”!’ – Acts 13:15
Paul stepped forwards and said, ‘Give me all your money, or I’ll shank you!’
‘We said “exhortation”, not “extortion”!’ – Acts 13:15
Immediately mist and darkness came over him, and he groped about, seeking someone to lead him by the hand. Unfortunately, he managed to latch onto a Roman chariot in full charge and was dragged off and never seen from again! – Acts 13:11
February 11, 2026 at 12:00 AM
Immediately mist and darkness came over him, and he groped about, seeking someone to lead him by the hand. Unfortunately, he managed to latch onto a Roman chariot in full charge and was dragged off and never seen from again! – Acts 13:11
Then Saul, filled with the Holy Spirit, looked straight at Elymas the magician, and said, ‘You're a child of the devil and an enemy of all that is right! You're full of all kinds of deceit and trickery! Would you be willing to do a children’s party on Saturday?’ – Acts 13:9-10
February 10, 2026 at 11:30 PM
Then Saul, filled with the Holy Spirit, looked straight at Elymas the magician, and said, ‘You're a child of the devil and an enemy of all that is right! You're full of all kinds of deceit and trickery! Would you be willing to do a children’s party on Saturday?’ – Acts 13:9-10
Barnabas and Saul, sent on their way by the Holy Spirit, went down to Seleucia and sailed from there to Cyprus. When they arrived at Salamis, went around all the synagogues proclaiming the word of God and then running away. It was an early form of ding dong ditch. – Acts 13:4-5
February 10, 2026 at 11:00 PM
Barnabas and Saul, sent on their way by the Holy Spirit, went down to Seleucia and sailed from there to Cyprus. When they arrived at Salamis, went around all the synagogues proclaiming the word of God and then running away. It was an early form of ding dong ditch. – Acts 13:4-5
In the church at Antioch Barnabas, Simeon, Lucius, Manaen, and Saul sat worshipping the Lord and fasting.
Suddenly, the Holy Spirit called, ‘Red rover, red rover, send Barnabas and Saul over!’
So, Barnabas and Saul ran at the Holy Spirit with all their might. – Acts 13:1-3
Suddenly, the Holy Spirit called, ‘Red rover, red rover, send Barnabas and Saul over!’
So, Barnabas and Saul ran at the Holy Spirit with all their might. – Acts 13:1-3
February 10, 2026 at 10:30 PM
In the church at Antioch Barnabas, Simeon, Lucius, Manaen, and Saul sat worshipping the Lord and fasting.
Suddenly, the Holy Spirit called, ‘Red rover, red rover, send Barnabas and Saul over!’
So, Barnabas and Saul ran at the Holy Spirit with all their might. – Acts 13:1-3
Suddenly, the Holy Spirit called, ‘Red rover, red rover, send Barnabas and Saul over!’
So, Barnabas and Saul ran at the Holy Spirit with all their might. – Acts 13:1-3
One day, Herod delivered an address to the people.
They shouted, ‘This is the voice of God, not of a man.’
‘No,’ protested Herod, ‘this is my normal voice!’
Herod’s ‘impression’ offended God so much that an angel smote him, and he was eaten by worms and then died. – Acts 12:21-23
They shouted, ‘This is the voice of God, not of a man.’
‘No,’ protested Herod, ‘this is my normal voice!’
Herod’s ‘impression’ offended God so much that an angel smote him, and he was eaten by worms and then died. – Acts 12:21-23
February 10, 2026 at 10:00 PM
One day, Herod delivered an address to the people.
They shouted, ‘This is the voice of God, not of a man.’
‘No,’ protested Herod, ‘this is my normal voice!’
Herod’s ‘impression’ offended God so much that an angel smote him, and he was eaten by worms and then died. – Acts 12:21-23
They shouted, ‘This is the voice of God, not of a man.’
‘No,’ protested Herod, ‘this is my normal voice!’
Herod’s ‘impression’ offended God so much that an angel smote him, and he was eaten by worms and then died. – Acts 12:21-23
‘Why, because he’s dead and can’t possibly be at the door? Next you’ll be saying I’ve seen his ghost!’
‘No,’ they replied, ‘answering the door in a chicken costume! What is wrong with you?’ – Acts 12:12-15
‘No,’ they replied, ‘answering the door in a chicken costume! What is wrong with you?’ – Acts 12:12-15
February 10, 2026 at 9:30 PM
‘Why, because he’s dead and can’t possibly be at the door? Next you’ll be saying I’ve seen his ghost!’
‘No,’ they replied, ‘answering the door in a chicken costume! What is wrong with you?’ – Acts 12:12-15
‘No,’ they replied, ‘answering the door in a chicken costume! What is wrong with you?’ – Acts 12:12-15
After he’d escaped from prison, Peter knocked at Mary’s door. When the servant recognised Peter’s voice, she was so overjoyed she ran back without opening it and exclaimed, ‘Peter is at the door!’
‘You’re out of your mind!’ they told her.
‘You’re out of your mind!’ they told her.
February 10, 2026 at 9:30 PM
After he’d escaped from prison, Peter knocked at Mary’s door. When the servant recognised Peter’s voice, she was so overjoyed she ran back without opening it and exclaimed, ‘Peter is at the door!’
‘You’re out of your mind!’ they told her.
‘You’re out of your mind!’ they told her.
The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, with two sentries at his feet. He always slept well after a night of group BDSM. – Acts 12:6
February 10, 2026 at 9:00 PM
The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, with two sentries at his feet. He always slept well after a night of group BDSM. – Acts 12:6
During this time, a prophet named Agabus came down from Jerusalem to Antioch and predicted that a severe plague would spread over the entire Roman world.
‘How do you know this?’ asked a man in the crowd.
Agabus replied, ‘Because I refuse to wear a mask!’ – Acts 11:27-28
‘How do you know this?’ asked a man in the crowd.
Agabus replied, ‘Because I refuse to wear a mask!’ – Acts 11:27-28
February 8, 2026 at 2:30 AM
During this time, a prophet named Agabus came down from Jerusalem to Antioch and predicted that a severe plague would spread over the entire Roman world.
‘How do you know this?’ asked a man in the crowd.
Agabus replied, ‘Because I refuse to wear a mask!’ – Acts 11:27-28
‘How do you know this?’ asked a man in the crowd.
Agabus replied, ‘Because I refuse to wear a mask!’ – Acts 11:27-28
When Peter went up to Jerusalem, the circumcised believers criticised him and said, ‘You went into the house of uncircumcised men and ate with them.’
He replied, ‘Do you honestly expect me to inspect the cocks of every man I have a meal with?’ – Acts 11:1-3
He replied, ‘Do you honestly expect me to inspect the cocks of every man I have a meal with?’ – Acts 11:1-3
February 8, 2026 at 2:00 AM
When Peter went up to Jerusalem, the circumcised believers criticised him and said, ‘You went into the house of uncircumcised men and ate with them.’
He replied, ‘Do you honestly expect me to inspect the cocks of every man I have a meal with?’ – Acts 11:1-3
He replied, ‘Do you honestly expect me to inspect the cocks of every man I have a meal with?’ – Acts 11:1-3
Then Peter said, ‘Surely, no one can stand in the way those who have been baptised with water.’
Cornelius replied, ‘Erm… that wasn’t water…’ – Acts 10:46-47
Cornelius replied, ‘Erm… that wasn’t water…’ – Acts 10:46-47
February 8, 2026 at 1:30 AM
Then Peter said, ‘Surely, no one can stand in the way those who have been baptised with water.’
Cornelius replied, ‘Erm… that wasn’t water…’ – Acts 10:46-47
Cornelius replied, ‘Erm… that wasn’t water…’ – Acts 10:46-47
While Peter was still speaking, the Holy Spirit came all over anyone who heard the message. Everyone was so astonished that the gift of the Holy Spirit had been poured out that they began speaking… with their tongues! – Acts 10:44-46
February 8, 2026 at 1:00 AM
While Peter was still speaking, the Holy Spirit came all over anyone who heard the message. Everyone was so astonished that the gift of the Holy Spirit had been poured out that they began speaking… with their tongues! – Acts 10:44-46
Peter told him, ‘They killed Jesus by hanging him on a cross, but God raised him from the dead on the third day, and he went on a rampage in search of brains! He’d still be at large if I hadn’t beaten him to death with a frying pan…’ – Acts 10:39-40
February 8, 2026 at 12:30 AM
Peter told him, ‘They killed Jesus by hanging him on a cross, but God raised him from the dead on the third day, and he went on a rampage in search of brains! He’d still be at large if I hadn’t beaten him to death with a frying pan…’ – Acts 10:39-40
Cornelius told Peter, ‘Three days ago I was in my house praying, when suddenly, a man in shining clothes stood before me and said, “Cornelius, God has heard your prayer.”’
Peter tutted and replied, ‘It seems that God’s willing to appear to anyone nowadays!’ – Acts 10:30-34
Peter tutted and replied, ‘It seems that God’s willing to appear to anyone nowadays!’ – Acts 10:30-34
February 8, 2026 at 12:00 AM
Cornelius told Peter, ‘Three days ago I was in my house praying, when suddenly, a man in shining clothes stood before me and said, “Cornelius, God has heard your prayer.”’
Peter tutted and replied, ‘It seems that God’s willing to appear to anyone nowadays!’ – Acts 10:30-34
Peter tutted and replied, ‘It seems that God’s willing to appear to anyone nowadays!’ – Acts 10:30-34
At noon, Peter went up to the roof to pray. He was so hungry that he fell into a trance. He saw the gates of Heaven and a voice told him, ‘Kill them! Kill them all and eat them!’
Peter protested, ‘But they’re unclean!’
‘Fine, wash them and then kill them!’ – Acts 10:9-15
Peter protested, ‘But they’re unclean!’
‘Fine, wash them and then kill them!’ – Acts 10:9-15
February 7, 2026 at 11:30 PM
At noon, Peter went up to the roof to pray. He was so hungry that he fell into a trance. He saw the gates of Heaven and a voice told him, ‘Kill them! Kill them all and eat them!’
Peter protested, ‘But they’re unclean!’
‘Fine, wash them and then kill them!’ – Acts 10:9-15
Peter protested, ‘But they’re unclean!’
‘Fine, wash them and then kill them!’ – Acts 10:9-15
At Caesarea there was a man named Cornelius, a centurion known as the Italian Stallion. One day, he had a vision of an angel, who came to him and said, ‘Cornelius!’
‘What is it, Lord?’ asked Cornelius.
The angel answered, ‘Made you look!’ and disappeared. – Acts 10:1-5
‘What is it, Lord?’ asked Cornelius.
The angel answered, ‘Made you look!’ and disappeared. – Acts 10:1-5
February 7, 2026 at 11:00 PM
At Caesarea there was a man named Cornelius, a centurion known as the Italian Stallion. One day, he had a vision of an angel, who came to him and said, ‘Cornelius!’
‘What is it, Lord?’ asked Cornelius.
The angel answered, ‘Made you look!’ and disappeared. – Acts 10:1-5
‘What is it, Lord?’ asked Cornelius.
The angel answered, ‘Made you look!’ and disappeared. – Acts 10:1-5
In Joppa there was a disciple named Tabitha who died, and her body was placed in an upstairs room. Peter went up, and turning towards the dead woman, he said, ‘Tabitha, get up.’ She opened her eyes and sat up. The other disciples ran away in terror, and two fainted! – Acts 9:36-41
February 7, 2026 at 10:30 PM
In Joppa there was a disciple named Tabitha who died, and her body was placed in an upstairs room. Peter went up, and turning towards the dead woman, he said, ‘Tabitha, get up.’ She opened her eyes and sat up. The other disciples ran away in terror, and two fainted! – Acts 9:36-41
Peter found a man named Aeneas, who had been bedridden for eight years. He said to him, ‘Jesus Christ! Get up and roll up your mat!’
‘I can’t,’ replied Aeneas, ‘I’m paraplegic!’
‘Being from Paraplegia’s no excuse, you lazy bastard!’ spat Peter. – Acts 9:33-34
‘I can’t,’ replied Aeneas, ‘I’m paraplegic!’
‘Being from Paraplegia’s no excuse, you lazy bastard!’ spat Peter. – Acts 9:33-34
February 7, 2026 at 10:00 PM
Peter found a man named Aeneas, who had been bedridden for eight years. He said to him, ‘Jesus Christ! Get up and roll up your mat!’
‘I can’t,’ replied Aeneas, ‘I’m paraplegic!’
‘Being from Paraplegia’s no excuse, you lazy bastard!’ spat Peter. – Acts 9:33-34
‘I can’t,’ replied Aeneas, ‘I’m paraplegic!’
‘Being from Paraplegia’s no excuse, you lazy bastard!’ spat Peter. – Acts 9:33-34
Now Saul kept on getting into squabbles with the Hellenistic Jews, and they tried to kill him, so the disciples threw him in a boat and sent him off to Tarsus. Now with Saul gone, the church of Judaea could finally have some peace. – Acts 9:29-31
February 7, 2026 at 9:30 PM
Now Saul kept on getting into squabbles with the Hellenistic Jews, and they tried to kill him, so the disciples threw him in a boat and sent him off to Tarsus. Now with Saul gone, the church of Judaea could finally have some peace. – Acts 9:29-31
When Saul came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple. But Saul showed them the secret disciple handshake, so they had to let him into their clubhouse. – Acts 9:26
February 7, 2026 at 1:30 AM
When Saul came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple. But Saul showed them the secret disciple handshake, so they had to let him into their clubhouse. – Acts 9:26
There was a conspiracy among the Jews to kill Saul, so that night, his followers wrapped him up in a sheet, put him in a basket, and lowered him into a well.
‘If anybody asks,’ they yelled, ‘tell them your name is Timmy and you fell down there.’ – Acts 9:23-25
‘If anybody asks,’ they yelled, ‘tell them your name is Timmy and you fell down there.’ – Acts 9:23-25
February 7, 2026 at 1:00 AM
There was a conspiracy among the Jews to kill Saul, so that night, his followers wrapped him up in a sheet, put him in a basket, and lowered him into a well.
‘If anybody asks,’ they yelled, ‘tell them your name is Timmy and you fell down there.’ – Acts 9:23-25
‘If anybody asks,’ they yelled, ‘tell them your name is Timmy and you fell down there.’ – Acts 9:23-25
Ananias placed his hands on Saul and said, ‘Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here, has sent me to fill you with the Holy Spirit.’
‘Oh, great!’ griped Saul. ‘Now every weirdo in the city is coming on to me!’ – Acts 9:17
‘Oh, great!’ griped Saul. ‘Now every weirdo in the city is coming on to me!’ – Acts 9:17
February 7, 2026 at 12:30 AM
Ananias placed his hands on Saul and said, ‘Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here, has sent me to fill you with the Holy Spirit.’
‘Oh, great!’ griped Saul. ‘Now every weirdo in the city is coming on to me!’ – Acts 9:17
‘Oh, great!’ griped Saul. ‘Now every weirdo in the city is coming on to me!’ – Acts 9:17