Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

J. R. Eldridge

@misreadbible.bsky.social

340 followers 200 following 5.3K posts

British satirical author and creator of The MisreadBible series, which parodies the Bible with irreverent wit and a dash of theological side-eye. https://www.misreadbible.com

www.misreadbible.com

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Pinned

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 10d

If you've been enjoying my posts, you'll love my books. Available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook (*).

The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua

www.misreadbible.com/books

The MisreadBible Book Series

Explore The MisreadBible series — a collection of irreverent biblical parodies by J. R. Eldridge. Discover each book’s blasphemous brilliance, formats, and where to buy.

www.misreadbible.com

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 11h

You’re right, this one’s more of a paraphrase. Sometimes, for verses like this, I like to highlight how immoral and/or absurd the original is.

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 12h

If two men are fighting, and one of them hits the other but doesn’t kill him, that’s perfectly fine, even if the victim needs the aid of a walking stick. However, if he paralyses him, he must be used as a makeshift wheelchair. - Exodus 21:18-19

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 12h

Anyone who strikes a person with a fatal blow is to be put to death. However, if it is not done intentionally, and God lets it happen, God will let you hide out in his garden shed. It’s only fair. - Exodus 21:12-13

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 13h

If you buy a Hebrew slave, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh, he’ll go free. But wait, there’s a loophole. Gives him a wife, and if he doesn’t want to leave her, tag his ear like a bull, and he will be your slave for life. Problem solved! - Exodus 21:2-6

1 2

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 13h

Moses said to the people, ‘Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.’
Someone piped up, ‘Wait, so should we be unafraid, or should we fear God?’
Moses snapped, ‘Both!’ - Exodus 20:20

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 14h

When Moses returned, the people said to him, ‘Speak to us and we will listen, but don’t let God speak to us, because we can’t stand his screechy voice!’ - Exodus 20:19

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 14h

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ass, even if dat ass is fine. – Exodus 20:17

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15h

You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not give false testimony against your neighbour.
You shall not drink cocktails with those little umbrellas in them. Seriously, I hate those friggin’ things. - Exodus 20:13-17

1 1

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 15h

The Lord called Moses to the top of Mount Sinai. So, Moses went up and the Lord said to him, ‘Go back down and...’
Moses interrupted, ‘Wait wait wait! You had me climb all the way up only to tell me to go back down! You’re a jerk!’ - Exodus 19:20-21

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 16h

Then Moses said to the people, ‘Prepare yourselves for the third day. Abstain from sexual relations.’
The people all groaned.
‘Yeah, I know,’ he replied. ‘But God’s not getting any, and he’s a jealous god.’ – Exodus 19:15

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 16h

So, Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. Then they went into the tent to greet each other properly. - Exodus 18:7

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

When the dew was gone, a dark red drink can appeared on the desert floor. When the Israelites took a sip, they said to each other, ‘What is it?’ for it was Dr Pepper, and no fucker knows what it tastes of. - Exodus 16:14

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

So it was that quail came up at evening and covered the camp, and in the morning, on the surface of the wilderness, was a substance as fine as frost on the ground. So, when the children of Israel ate it, Moses said to them, ‘Don’t eat that, it’s quail shit!’ - Exodus 16:13-15

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

When Pharaoh’s horses, chariots and horsemen went into the sea, the Lord brought the waters of the sea back over them. Then Miriam the prophet took a timbrel in her hand, and all the women followed her with timbrels and sang: ‘Another one bites the dust.’ - Exodus 15:19-21

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Then Moses stretched out his hand and parted the waters again. And the Egyptians tried to cross, so he made the sea return. After an hour of this, the Lord said to Moses, ‘Stop dicking about with the Egyptians, and drown them already!’ - Exodus 14:27-28

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

After the Israelites had crossed the Red Sea, the Egyptians came charging towards the dry land in the midst of the waters. When they got near, Moses stretched out his hand and the sea went back to its place, so they backed off again.

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

‘In days to come when your son asks you, “What does this mean?” say to him, “God killed the firstborn Egyptians, so I should be allowed to kill as many donkeys and lambs as I want!”’ - Exodus 13:14-15

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

And the Lord said, ‘When you eat lamb, you must be wearing a belt and sandals, and hold a staff in one hand and a pigeon in another.’
Moses replied, ‘But that leaves no hands free to eat.’
God replied, ‘I want you to bob for your lamb.’ - Exodus 12:11

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Moses replied, ‘But you’re omniscient. You can tell who is Hebrew without their doorway being marked.’
God’s anger waxed hot, ‘You know damn well that blood magic gets my dick hard! Quit criticising my religion!’ - Exodus 12:1-13

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

‘Then each will take some blood and smear it on their doorframes. I will float through Egypt killing the firstborn of both people and animals with my awesome smiting gun. But when I see the blood on your doorframe, I’ll know a Hebrew lives there, and you won’t be smitten.’

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

The Lord said to Moses and Aaron in Egypt, ‘Tell the whole community of Israel to put on their ceremonial cloaks and take a lamb to the sacred clearing. At twilight, they will slaughter their lamb, and drain its blood into the mystical cauldron.

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

And Pharaoh said to Moses, ‘Get out of my sight! If I see you here in front of me again with your “let my people go” bullshit, I’ll punch you right in your stupid beardy face!’
‘Fine,’ Moses replied. ‘Be like that!’ And he stormed off in a huff. - Exodus 10:27-29

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

So Moses stretched out his hand towards the sky, and darkness covered all Egypt for three days. No one could see a thing for three days, and they kept bumping into inanimate objects and apologising to them, because the Egyptians were kind of awkward and British. - Exodus 10:22-23

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

and you wake up with your head inside the sleeping bag, and you can’t see a thing, and you get all panicky trying to find the drawstring? That.’ - Exodus 10:21

J. R. Eldridge @misreadbible.bsky.social · 1d

Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Stretch out your hand towards the sky so that darkness spreads over Egypt – darkness that can be felt.’
Moses replied, ‘What does that even mean?’
The Lord replied, ‘You know, like at night, when you’re in your tent, and the fire’s gone out,