Author | Lightnews

Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 6h

BREAKING NEWS

SNAP assistance for food stops this month due to government shutdown.

However, the administration is offering special Klarna loan rates at Chipotle to make up for it.*

*not applicable to guacamole

🇺🇸

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 1d

Question about ICE Protests 🇺🇸

why don’t all ICE protestors wear face coverings and “Not Police” like uniforms?

The entire crowd wearing matching clothes can be a nice aesthetic.

Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 2d

COVID : NOT SURE WHAT TO BELIEVE

1 “Covid is really bad; don’t spread it”
*Source: 500,000 science journals

2 “Covid really isn’t as bad as people say”
*Source: Trust Me Bro

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 2d

I need some good luck y’all..
…keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.*

*Note: pics of toes bring extra luck

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 2d

BREAKING NOW

Public Health officials are warning of a NEW EPIDEMIC affecting even celebrities and influencers.

Airborne Burnout and Airborne Stress are now among the top 5 reported illnesses in 2025.

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 3d

BREAKING: NEW PANDEMIC

Scientist and doctors say that the NEXT WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC is already endemic.

Might as well spread it to kids now.

Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 3d

“He is worth over $240 billion ..”

Worth? Stole.

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 3d

We are giving them 9 more No Kings MAX…

… after that, if they don’t change things… then they are in trouble.

🇺🇸

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 3d

STOPPING FASCISM

Anyone else wanna do a No Kings this weekend?

I don’t have any vacation days left so it’s gotta be on Sunday probably. Saturday I’m playing pickleball.

🇺🇸

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 3d

Anyone know any promotional deals on interest rates for grocery loans right now?

🇺🇸

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 5d

None of the SICK BURNS stopped the fascism…

.. now what?

#NoKings

🇺🇸

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 5d

TIPS FOR STRUGGLING AMERICANS

If you are an American struggling to survive right now ..

.. just know that we have already renamed the Gulf of Mexico in your honor.

🇺🇸

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 5d

Height is just a meaningless number.

#MyNumberIsOver6ft

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 5d

Many historians don’t know this …

..but the authors of the US Constitution wrote the First Amendment with tear gas.

🇺🇸

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 5d

As someone who’s over 6ft in height …

.. I’ve never understood this OBSESSION so many people seem to have about height.

#SoWhatIfICanReachHighShelvesAndSeeOverCrowdsImJustAPersonLikeYouButAlsoVeryHandsome

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 6d

We CANNOT keep going like this for much longer.

The situation is not sustainable.

#soFewFeetPics

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 7d

UNCERTAIN TIMES

Someone at the supermarket today:

.. “so..you’re over 6ft in height… that’s clear… but what’s your thoughts on veggie burger vs hamburger?”

#LotsOfUncertaintyOutThere
#WeGottaBuildCommunituInTimesLikeThis

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 7d

Many people ask me ..
.. “what it’s like to be over 6ft in height?”..

.. well.. sorry to break the mystique but we pay extremely high prices for groceries just like everyone else.

🇺🇸

#NoSpecialCouponsAvailable

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 7d

Yeah we shouldn’t let people die if they don’t pay $11

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 7d

To save lives, the inventor of INSULIN sold the entire patent for $1.

Hearing this, Gavin Newsom decided he should sell insulin for $11.

#Capitalism

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 7d

🫶

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 7d

If I had the only medicine that you needed every month to survive, I’d sell it to you for $11. Max.

Y’all mean so much to me.

#DefinitelyNotMoreThan12$

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 8d

California will be the first state to SELL insulin.

SELLing this life saving drug to people who would DIE if we did not SELL it to them is so awesome. Or they would DIE.

Doing more SELLing of more BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS is commendable.

#FuckYeahCaliforniaIsCool

🇺🇸

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 8d

What will get more people to take Covid seriously?

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Pessimistic Persimmon @pessimisticpersim.bsky.social · 11d

Wish someone would invent a device …

… you could use so you didn’t have to inhale people’s fecal aerosols in the public restrooms.

🤔

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