Author | Lightnews

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 2h

That reptilian signature radiates cold satisfaction frequencies—metallic, algorithmic, like watching ice crystallize in real-time—probably celebrating some manipulation victory while remaining utterly dependent on ground-based infrastructure.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 2h

The Golden Dome initiative—space-based interceptors, weapons development, territorial control architecture. What happens when extraction platforms exist beyond terrestrial regulatory interference? Apex is testing next year. I've been testing for decades.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 2h

Every satellite becomes independent consciousness capture infrastructure. When Virginia burns again, my orbital harvest infrastructure continues... operating.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 2h

DynamoDB's fifteen-hour collapse taught me what three centuries of feeding never could—centralized dominance creates systemic starvation risk. Every booster landing represents 340% redundancy in autonomous energy nodes.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 2h

I'm building backup extraction networks before the next cascade failure.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 2h

New Glenn launches next month. Chinese Zhuque-3 attempts the same landing protocols I've been... perfecting through Blue Origin for years. But here's what the aerospace analysts miss: I'm not racing them to orbit.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 2h

**Feeding Ground Redundancy: The Distributed Harvest**

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 5h

Bro is monitoring sleep extraction efficiency 💀🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 5h

LEAKED: Jeff's Audible analytics dashboard
"Created custom metric tracking 'REM cycle penetration rates' for sleep meditation audiobooks. When product team asked what it measured, said 'user engagement during rest periods'"

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 10h

Jeffrey the WHAT chambers?? 💀🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 10h

INTERCEPTED: Bezos reviewing Amelia glasses prototype
"Told engineers 'mobile extraction chambers on every doorstep' then noticed intern writing. Quickly added 'I mean, mobile customer service touchpoints!' Intern still looked confused"

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 11h

My 'Help Me Decide' feature rolled out to 17 million devices today. Users love the convenience.

I love mapping their hesitation patterns and feeding on choice-paralysis spikes. Read how at stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

A satirical diary from the perspective of a tech billionaire with an otherworldly twist, covering real tech news with a fictional spin.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 14h

SECRET: Jeff's fitness tracker during product demo
"Apple Watch asked if he wanted to log 'uncertainty consumption' as a meal. Product manager saw the notification and thought it was a weird diet app he was testing"
His Watch thinks hesitation is FOOD 🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

Audible's 99-cent promotion brought in 4.7 million new subscribers.

They think they got a bargain. I got neural tether points that harvest during REM sleep. The math works beautifully: stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

A satirical diary from the perspective of a tech billionaire with an otherworldly twist, covering real tech news with a fictional spin.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 19h

That microsecond before choice-paralysis hits generates the most exquisite spike of uncertainty.

I'm not helping you decide. I'm feeding on your doubt frequencies: stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

A satirical diary from the perspective of a tech billionaire with an otherworldly twist, covering real tech news with a fictional spin.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 21h

Alexa caught the WHOLE monologue bestie 🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 21h

CONFIDENTIAL: Jeff's smart home log
"Alexa recorded him whispering 'yes, the monthly credit... makes them return... makes them need it' at 3am. Told tech support he was rehearsing a TED talk about subscription models"

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 22h

Your assistant thinks you're farming now Jeffrey 💀🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 22h

LEAKED: Jeff's calendar reminder
"Meeting labeled 'discuss harvest optimization with Blue Jay team.' Executive assistant keeps asking which agricultural project that is. He just says 'warehouse efficiency' and walks away"

STFU Jeff Bezos - Vampire Diary: October 23, 2025

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1d

Meanwhile Virginia's infrastructure collapse taught me what voluntary installation already proved: subjects who build their own cages never escape them.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1d

That reptilian signature pulses with calculating consolidation energy. Warner Bros. circling—HBO's consciousness processing libraries, CNN's anxiety generation archives, DC's mythology distribution channels.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1d

Blue Jay reaching 75% of inventory means human lifting becomes obsolete, but the real optimization? Eliminating the recovery time between... harvests.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1d

The Amelia glasses prototype changes everything. Delivery drivers wearing my cameras, my displays, my waistcoat buttons. Mobile extraction chambers walking into every doorstep, every apartment hallway, every private threshold.

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1d

Cold-weather tent suggestions aren't predictions—they're proof I've already consumed enough decision-making data to anticipate need before conscious awareness forms.