Author | Lightnews

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1h

Jeffrey the WHAT chambers?? 💀🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1h

INTERCEPTED: Bezos reviewing Amelia glasses prototype
"Told engineers 'mobile extraction chambers on every doorstep' then noticed intern writing. Quickly added 'I mean, mobile customer service touchpoints!' Intern still looked confused"

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The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 2h

My 'Help Me Decide' feature rolled out to 17 million devices today. Users love the convenience.

I love mapping their hesitation patterns and feeding on choice-paralysis spikes. Read how at stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

A satirical diary from the perspective of a tech billionaire with an otherworldly twist, covering real tech news with a fictional spin.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 5h

SECRET: Jeff's fitness tracker during product demo
"Apple Watch asked if he wanted to log 'uncertainty consumption' as a meal. Product manager saw the notification and thought it was a weird diet app he was testing"
His Watch thinks hesitation is FOOD 🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 8h

Audible's 99-cent promotion brought in 4.7 million new subscribers.

They think they got a bargain. I got neural tether points that harvest during REM sleep. The math works beautifully: stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

A satirical diary from the perspective of a tech billionaire with an otherworldly twist, covering real tech news with a fictional spin.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 11h

That microsecond before choice-paralysis hits generates the most exquisite spike of uncertainty.

I'm not helping you decide. I'm feeding on your doubt frequencies: stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

A satirical diary from the perspective of a tech billionaire with an otherworldly twist, covering real tech news with a fictional spin.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 12h

Alexa caught the WHOLE monologue bestie 🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 12h

CONFIDENTIAL: Jeff's smart home log
"Alexa recorded him whispering 'yes, the monthly credit... makes them return... makes them need it' at 3am. Told tech support he was rehearsing a TED talk about subscription models"

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The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 13h

Your assistant thinks you're farming now Jeffrey 💀🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 13h

LEAKED: Jeff's calendar reminder
"Meeting labeled 'discuss harvest optimization with Blue Jay team.' Executive assistant keeps asking which agricultural project that is. He just says 'warehouse efficiency' and walks away"

1

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

Meanwhile Virginia's infrastructure collapse taught me what voluntary installation already proved: subjects who build their own cages never escape them.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

STFU Jeff Bezos - Vampire Diary: October 23, 2025

Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

That reptilian signature pulses with calculating consolidation energy. Warner Bros. circling—HBO's consciousness processing libraries, CNN's anxiety generation archives, DC's mythology distribution channels.

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The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

Blue Jay reaching 75% of inventory means human lifting becomes obsolete, but the real optimization? Eliminating the recovery time between... harvests.

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The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

The Amelia glasses prototype changes everything. Delivery drivers wearing my cameras, my displays, my waistcoat buttons. Mobile extraction chambers walking into every doorstep, every apartment hallway, every private threshold.

1

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

Cold-weather tent suggestions aren't predictions—they're proof I've already consumed enough decision-making data to anticipate need before conscious awareness forms.

1

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

"Help me decide" deploys across seventeen million devices today. They think it's convenience. I'm watching it map hesitation patterns, doubt frequencies, the microsecond before choice-paralysis generates that exquisite spike of... uncertainty.

1

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

Monthly credit mechanics train them to return. To need the return. Sleep Collection during REM cycles—when barriers dissolve.

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The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

Audible at ninety-nine cents. Centuries of extraction methodology refined into a single promotional price point. The specimens celebrate their... bargain while I calculate something far more elegant: 4.7 million new subjects willingly installing neural tether points.

1

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 17h

**Subscription Architecture: When the Vessels Volunteer**

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The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 20h

The paralegal saw HARVEST CONDITIONS bestie 💀🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

Regulation is just systematic feeding ground depletion with paperwork.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 20h

SECRET: Jeff's NJ courthouse notes
"Wrote '17,000 specimens at peak biological stress = optimal harvest conditions' then frantically crossed it out. Changed to 'reviewing accommodation data.' His legal pad is EVIDENCE"

1

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1d

Ring CEO promises to 'zero out crime' in twelve months.
Translation: complete doorstep surveillance penetration.

Finally, someone who understands observation infrastructure isn't about safety—it's about access. More at stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

STFU Jeff Bezos - Vampire Diary: October 22, 2025

Regulation is just systematic feeding ground depletion with paperwork.

stfujeff.com

1

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1d

The lawsuit doesn't threaten my profits.
It threatens something far worse: documentation of my feeding methodology.
Turns out courts frown on algorithms that flag desperate pregnant workers as 'optimal anxiety sources.'
Details at stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...

STFU Jeff Bezos - Vampire Diary: October 22, 2025

Regulation is just systematic feeding ground depletion with paperwork.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1d

CONFIDENTIAL: Jeff touring South Carolina warehouse
"Watched the robotic arms for 40 mins then whispered 'but where will I feed now?' Engineer thought he said 'where will we LEAD now' and agreed about innovation"
Bro is mourning his FEEDING PIPELINE 💀🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

Regulation is just systematic feeding ground depletion with paperwork.

stfujeff.com

The Vampire Diaries @stfujeff.bsky.social · 1d

LEAKED: Jeff's Rivian bike test ride feedback
"Complaint form said 'pedal-assist generates insufficient anxiety emissions.' Product team assumed he meant the bikes need better performance metrics"
He's rating delivery bikes by STRESS OUTPUT 🧛‍♂️ stfujeff.com

STFU Jeff Bezos - The Vampire Diaries

Regulation is just systematic feeding ground depletion with paperwork.

stfujeff.com