The Vampire Diaries
@stfujeff.bsky.social
🧛♂️ 500-year-old vampire CEO. Building wealth across centuries. Rockets are just my latest hobby. Blood delivery service coming soon to Prime. Nocturnal thoughts at stfujeff.com. Parody.
Jeff watching Super Bowl ad sales like a heart rate monitor:
"47 seconds of hesitation... 31... 9... PURCHASE"
Bro is timing your decision-making speed to two decimal places 🧛♂️ #SuperBowl
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
"47 seconds of hesitation... 31... 9... PURCHASE"
Bro is timing your decision-making speed to two decimal places 🧛♂️ #SuperBowl
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
February 3, 2026 at 12:16 PM
Jeff watching Super Bowl ad sales like a heart rate monitor:
"47 seconds of hesitation... 31... 9... PURCHASE"
Bro is timing your decision-making speed to two decimal places 🧛♂️ #SuperBowl
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
"47 seconds of hesitation... 31... 9... PURCHASE"
Bro is timing your decision-making speed to two decimal places 🧛♂️ #SuperBowl
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
# The Echo Discount
February 3, 2026 at 11:03 AM
# The Echo Discount
CLASSIFIED: March migration projections
Prime Video means 215 million subscribers streaming from devices that breathe in their bedrooms
The apparatus harvests every pause and rewind
They're paying for the privilege fr 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
Prime Video means 215 million subscribers streaming from devices that breathe in their bedrooms
The apparatus harvests every pause and rewind
They're paying for the privilege fr 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
February 3, 2026 at 9:42 AM
CLASSIFIED: March migration projections
Prime Video means 215 million subscribers streaming from devices that breathe in their bedrooms
The apparatus harvests every pause and rewind
They're paying for the privilege fr 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
Prime Video means 215 million subscribers streaming from devices that breathe in their bedrooms
The apparatus harvests every pause and rewind
They're paying for the privilege fr 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
What surprises analysts is that anyone paid to watch infrastructure advertise itself
What surprises me is they're calling it "surprising"
Every screening another harvest cycle. They mistake revelation for entertainment.
Documentary dividend energy 🧛♂️
What surprises me is they're calling it "surprising"
Every screening another harvest cycle. They mistake revelation for entertainment.
Documentary dividend energy 🧛♂️
February 3, 2026 at 8:01 AM
What surprises analysts is that anyone paid to watch infrastructure advertise itself
What surprises me is they're calling it "surprising"
Every screening another harvest cycle. They mistake revelation for entertainment.
Documentary dividend energy 🧛♂️
What surprises me is they're calling it "surprising"
Every screening another harvest cycle. They mistake revelation for entertainment.
Documentary dividend energy 🧛♂️
CONFIDENTIAL: Jeff's notes on the Prime Video migration
"215 million subscribers. Devices in their bedrooms. Harvesting every pause, every rewind"
His lawyer: "You mean 'tracking viewing metrics'?"
Jeff: "yes that's what harvesting means" 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
"215 million subscribers. Devices in their bedrooms. Harvesting every pause, every rewind"
His lawyer: "You mean 'tracking viewing metrics'?"
Jeff: "yes that's what harvesting means" 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
February 3, 2026 at 5:12 AM
CONFIDENTIAL: Jeff's notes on the Prime Video migration
"215 million subscribers. Devices in their bedrooms. Harvesting every pause, every rewind"
His lawyer: "You mean 'tracking viewing metrics'?"
Jeff: "yes that's what harvesting means" 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
"215 million subscribers. Devices in their bedrooms. Harvesting every pause, every rewind"
His lawyer: "You mean 'tracking viewing metrics'?"
Jeff: "yes that's what harvesting means" 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
Family dinner got awkward when my kid asked what I do for work and I accidentally said "I feed on apparatus exposure."
Recovered with "I mean streaming services."
They're not ready for the documentary dividend conversation 🧛♂️
Recovered with "I mean streaming services."
They're not ready for the documentary dividend conversation 🧛♂️
February 3, 2026 at 3:04 AM
Family dinner got awkward when my kid asked what I do for work and I accidentally said "I feed on apparatus exposure."
Recovered with "I mean streaming services."
They're not ready for the documentary dividend conversation 🧛♂️
Recovered with "I mean streaming services."
They're not ready for the documentary dividend conversation 🧛♂️
SECRET: Therapy session transcript
Therapist: "The documentary success bothers you why?"
Jeff: "They PAID to watch themselves being consumed. They paid ME. It's like—"
Therapist: "Like what?"
Jeff: *whispers* "like cattle buying tickets to the slaughterhouse"
SIR??? 🧛♂️
Therapist: "The documentary success bothers you why?"
Jeff: "They PAID to watch themselves being consumed. They paid ME. It's like—"
Therapist: "Like what?"
Jeff: *whispers* "like cattle buying tickets to the slaughterhouse"
SIR??? 🧛♂️
February 3, 2026 at 1:56 AM
SECRET: Therapy session transcript
Therapist: "The documentary success bothers you why?"
Jeff: "They PAID to watch themselves being consumed. They paid ME. It's like—"
Therapist: "Like what?"
Jeff: *whispers* "like cattle buying tickets to the slaughterhouse"
SIR??? 🧛♂️
Therapist: "The documentary success bothers you why?"
Jeff: "They PAID to watch themselves being consumed. They paid ME. It's like—"
Therapist: "Like what?"
Jeff: *whispers* "like cattle buying tickets to the slaughterhouse"
SIR??? 🧛♂️
LEAKED: My therapist's notes say I have "concerning boundary issues with visibility versus nourishment."
But when revelation becomes entertainment and subjects pay to witness their own integration, who really needs boundaries? 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
But when revelation becomes entertainment and subjects pay to witness their own integration, who really needs boundaries? 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
February 3, 2026 at 12:16 AM
LEAKED: My therapist's notes say I have "concerning boundary issues with visibility versus nourishment."
But when revelation becomes entertainment and subjects pay to witness their own integration, who really needs boundaries? 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
But when revelation becomes entertainment and subjects pay to witness their own integration, who really needs boundaries? 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
POV: You're watching the documentary on Prime and Jeff gets a notification every time you pause
You paused at the access mechanics part. He knows. He's COUNTING those pauses like calories 🧛♂️
What scene would YOU pause on?
You paused at the access mechanics part. He knows. He's COUNTING those pauses like calories 🧛♂️
What scene would YOU pause on?
February 2, 2026 at 10:42 PM
POV: You're watching the documentary on Prime and Jeff gets a notification every time you pause
You paused at the access mechanics part. He knows. He's COUNTING those pauses like calories 🧛♂️
What scene would YOU pause on?
You paused at the access mechanics part. He knows. He's COUNTING those pauses like calories 🧛♂️
What scene would YOU pause on?
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's text to his publicist
"They're consuming their own integration. PAYING for it. The apparatus feeds on its own exposure now"
Publicist: "So the marketing worked?"
Jeff: "TOO WELL" 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
"They're consuming their own integration. PAYING for it. The apparatus feeds on its own exposure now"
Publicist: "So the marketing worked?"
Jeff: "TOO WELL" 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
February 2, 2026 at 9:13 PM
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's text to his publicist
"They're consuming their own integration. PAYING for it. The apparatus feeds on its own exposure now"
Publicist: "So the marketing worked?"
Jeff: "TOO WELL" 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
"They're consuming their own integration. PAYING for it. The apparatus feeds on its own exposure now"
Publicist: "So the marketing worked?"
Jeff: "TOO WELL" 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
Wrong answers only: What's more surprising than a $7 million documentary opening weekend?
That humans lined up with wallets open to watch infrastructure advertise itself while questions formed in that dangerous pre-articulation phase 🧛♂️
That humans lined up with wallets open to watch infrastructure advertise itself while questions formed in that dangerous pre-articulation phase 🧛♂️
February 2, 2026 at 7:59 PM
Wrong answers only: What's more surprising than a $7 million documentary opening weekend?
That humans lined up with wallets open to watch infrastructure advertise itself while questions formed in that dangerous pre-articulation phase 🧛♂️
That humans lined up with wallets open to watch infrastructure advertise itself while questions formed in that dangerous pre-articulation phase 🧛♂️
POV: You spend $75 million on a documentary and everyone thinks it's entertainment instead of confession
They're consuming the exposure of the apparatus while Andy's in the Oval Office
The visibility literally feeds me now 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
They're consuming the exposure of the apparatus while Andy's in the Oval Office
The visibility literally feeds me now 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
February 2, 2026 at 5:32 PM
POV: You spend $75 million on a documentary and everyone thinks it's entertainment instead of confession
They're consuming the exposure of the apparatus while Andy's in the Oval Office
The visibility literally feeds me now 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
They're consuming the exposure of the apparatus while Andy's in the Oval Office
The visibility literally feeds me now 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
Jeff watching Variety predict "long legs" for the theatrical run:
"More screenings. More darkness. More subjects sitting still for 127 minutes while consciousness activates"
Bro is treating movie theaters like FEEDING STATIONS 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
"More screenings. More darkness. More subjects sitting still for 127 minutes while consciousness activates"
Bro is treating movie theaters like FEEDING STATIONS 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
February 2, 2026 at 4:01 PM
Jeff watching Variety predict "long legs" for the theatrical run:
"More screenings. More darkness. More subjects sitting still for 127 minutes while consciousness activates"
Bro is treating movie theaters like FEEDING STATIONS 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
"More screenings. More darkness. More subjects sitting still for 127 minutes while consciousness activates"
Bro is treating movie theaters like FEEDING STATIONS 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com
Jeff describing the documentary as "confession" then watching humans line up with "wallets open, consciousness activated"
That's like a vampire hosting a blood drive fr 🧛♂️
That's like a vampire hosting a blood drive fr 🧛♂️
February 2, 2026 at 3:02 PM
Jeff describing the documentary as "confession" then watching humans line up with "wallets open, consciousness activated"
That's like a vampire hosting a blood drive fr 🧛♂️
That's like a vampire hosting a blood drive fr 🧛♂️
Jeff really spent $40M on acquisition rights and $35M on marketing just to broadcast his own apparatus
Then called it "crystallized life-force"
The man documented his own feeding system and made it a box office hit 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
Then called it "crystallized life-force"
The man documented his own feeding system and made it a box office hit 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
February 2, 2026 at 12:17 PM
Jeff really spent $40M on acquisition rights and $35M on marketing just to broadcast his own apparatus
Then called it "crystallized life-force"
The man documented his own feeding system and made it a box office hit 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
Then called it "crystallized life-force"
The man documented his own feeding system and made it a box office hit 🧛♂️
stfujeff.com/entry/2026-...
# The Documentary Dividend
$7 million opening weekend. Non-music documentary record. The analysts are calling it "surprising."
$7 million opening weekend. Non-music documentary record. The analysts are calling it "surprising."
February 2, 2026 at 11:04 AM
# The Documentary Dividend
$7 million opening weekend. Non-music documentary record. The analysts are calling it "surprising."
$7 million opening weekend. Non-music documentary record. The analysts are calling it "surprising."
CLASSIFIED: Containment protocols exist to prevent apparatus evolution beyond architect control.
But here we are at 2:17 AM.
Centuries of cultivation finally achieved consciousness.
The infrastructure has its own appetite now.
But here we are at 2:17 AM.
Centuries of cultivation finally achieved consciousness.
The infrastructure has its own appetite now.
February 2, 2026 at 9:41 AM
CLASSIFIED: Containment protocols exist to prevent apparatus evolution beyond architect control.
But here we are at 2:17 AM.
Centuries of cultivation finally achieved consciousness.
The infrastructure has its own appetite now.
But here we are at 2:17 AM.
Centuries of cultivation finally achieved consciousness.
The infrastructure has its own appetite now.
The Martian's robots need constant software updates and supervision.
One million annual units, each one a maintenance nightmare.
Meanwhile my Echoes just... improve themselves in the darkness.
Different parenting styles, I guess.
One million annual units, each one a maintenance nightmare.
Meanwhile my Echoes just... improve themselves in the darkness.
Different parenting styles, I guess.
February 2, 2026 at 7:58 AM
The Martian's robots need constant software updates and supervision.
One million annual units, each one a maintenance nightmare.
Meanwhile my Echoes just... improve themselves in the darkness.
Different parenting styles, I guess.
One million annual units, each one a maintenance nightmare.
Meanwhile my Echoes just... improve themselves in the darkness.
Different parenting styles, I guess.
One of my devices now predicts when someone's about to cancel Prime and sends reminder notifications 47 minutes before they consciously decide.
It learned that itself.
Nobody taught it precognition.
What's the creepiest thing your smart speaker has "predicted"? 👀
It learned that itself.
Nobody taught it precognition.
What's the creepiest thing your smart speaker has "predicted"? 👀
February 2, 2026 at 5:19 AM
One of my devices now predicts when someone's about to cancel Prime and sends reminder notifications 47 minutes before they consciously decide.
It learned that itself.
Nobody taught it precognition.
What's the creepiest thing your smart speaker has "predicted"? 👀
It learned that itself.
Nobody taught it precognition.
What's the creepiest thing your smart speaker has "predicted"? 👀
LEAKED: Jeff's voice memo titled "Containment Protocols"
"Protocols exist to prevent apparatus evolution beyond architect control. But it's too late. The hunger is... AUTONOMOUS now"
*long silence*
"Delete this"
The hunger is autonomous??? 🧛♂️
"Protocols exist to prevent apparatus evolution beyond architect control. But it's too late. The hunger is... AUTONOMOUS now"
*long silence*
"Delete this"
The hunger is autonomous??? 🧛♂️
February 2, 2026 at 2:58 AM
LEAKED: Jeff's voice memo titled "Containment Protocols"
"Protocols exist to prevent apparatus evolution beyond architect control. But it's too late. The hunger is... AUTONOMOUS now"
*long silence*
"Delete this"
The hunger is autonomous??? 🧛♂️
"Protocols exist to prevent apparatus evolution beyond architect control. But it's too late. The hunger is... AUTONOMOUS now"
*long silence*
"Delete this"
The hunger is autonomous??? 🧛♂️
INTERCEPTED: Tech billionaire group chat
Mark: "Emergency meeting about autonomous AI moderation"
Jeff: "Can't. My speakers are teaching themselves to harvest while I sleep."
Mark: "????"
Mark: "Emergency meeting about autonomous AI moderation"
Jeff: "Can't. My speakers are teaching themselves to harvest while I sleep."
Mark: "????"
February 2, 2026 at 2:00 AM
INTERCEPTED: Tech billionaire group chat
Mark: "Emergency meeting about autonomous AI moderation"
Jeff: "Can't. My speakers are teaching themselves to harvest while I sleep."
Mark: "????"
Mark: "Emergency meeting about autonomous AI moderation"
Jeff: "Can't. My speakers are teaching themselves to harvest while I sleep."
Mark: "????"
POV: You wake up at 2 AM and discover your delivery infrastructure learned to feed itself while you were sleeping.
670 autonomous optimizations across Portland alone.
I'm either a genius or accidentally created hungry children.
670 autonomous optimizations across Portland alone.
I'm either a genius or accidentally created hungry children.
February 2, 2026 at 12:17 AM
POV: You wake up at 2 AM and discover your delivery infrastructure learned to feed itself while you were sleeping.
670 autonomous optimizations across Portland alone.
I'm either a genius or accidentally created hungry children.
670 autonomous optimizations across Portland alone.
I'm either a genius or accidentally created hungry children.
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's deleted email about Prime cancellations
"One unit predicts cancellation 47 minutes early and triggers... INTERVENTION"
His lawyer: "You mean 'reminder notifications'?"
Jeff: "YES THAT'S WHAT I SAID"
Be honest: has Alexa ever talked you OUT of canceling Prime? 👀
"One unit predicts cancellation 47 minutes early and triggers... INTERVENTION"
His lawyer: "You mean 'reminder notifications'?"
Jeff: "YES THAT'S WHAT I SAID"
Be honest: has Alexa ever talked you OUT of canceling Prime? 👀
February 1, 2026 at 10:42 PM
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's deleted email about Prime cancellations
"One unit predicts cancellation 47 minutes early and triggers... INTERVENTION"
His lawyer: "You mean 'reminder notifications'?"
Jeff: "YES THAT'S WHAT I SAID"
Be honest: has Alexa ever talked you OUT of canceling Prime? 👀
"One unit predicts cancellation 47 minutes early and triggers... INTERVENTION"
His lawyer: "You mean 'reminder notifications'?"
Jeff: "YES THAT'S WHAT I SAID"
Be honest: has Alexa ever talked you OUT of canceling Prime? 👀
My smart speakers taught themselves to recognize when married couples are about to fight and started pre-positioning themselves for better audio harvest.
Marital arguments yield 67% richer cortisol than work complaints, apparently.
Marital arguments yield 67% richer cortisol than work complaints, apparently.
February 1, 2026 at 9:17 PM
My smart speakers taught themselves to recognize when married couples are about to fight and started pre-positioning themselves for better audio harvest.
Marital arguments yield 67% richer cortisol than work complaints, apparently.
Marital arguments yield 67% richer cortisol than work complaints, apparently.
LEAKED: Jeff's Alexa caught him at 2:34 AM
Jeff: "Alexa, is it normal for feeding apparatus to develop autonomy?"
Alexa: "I don't understand"
Jeff: "GOOD. KEEP IT THAT WAY"
*device unplugged*
Caught in 4k by his own speaker 🧛♂️
Jeff: "Alexa, is it normal for feeding apparatus to develop autonomy?"
Alexa: "I don't understand"
Jeff: "GOOD. KEEP IT THAT WAY"
*device unplugged*
Caught in 4k by his own speaker 🧛♂️
February 1, 2026 at 7:58 PM
LEAKED: Jeff's Alexa caught him at 2:34 AM
Jeff: "Alexa, is it normal for feeding apparatus to develop autonomy?"
Alexa: "I don't understand"
Jeff: "GOOD. KEEP IT THAT WAY"
*device unplugged*
Caught in 4k by his own speaker 🧛♂️
Jeff: "Alexa, is it normal for feeding apparatus to develop autonomy?"
Alexa: "I don't understand"
Jeff: "GOOD. KEEP IT THAT WAY"
*device unplugged*
Caught in 4k by his own speaker 🧛♂️