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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 3d

there’s something abjectly pitiful about a broken down escalator. look at you, you pathetic metal heap. you used to think you were better than stairs

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 10d

hate how my iPhone tries to finish my sentences maybe I’m giddy with diarrhea you don’t know

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 10d

if you put me in a medieval battlefield I’d probably get nervous, eat too much mutton and die from being sluggish

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 13d

(Pulling down a box half-filled with broken picture frames, followed by a bundle of loose coat hangers) Jesus, who loaded this baked potato?

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 13d

There’s a sign on a telephone pole along a country road to my parents’ house that says Repent or Perish Time is Running Out. Thing is this sign has been up there for 30 years. They’ve replaced it at least once. I chose perish years ago.

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 17d

yeah it depends on how many hands tall you are and the degree to which you wish to shimmer elegantly in the moonlight

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 17d

I have a chart for malnourished horses

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · 22d

the winner of the annual pumpkin contest uses a chain saw to cut open the swollen orange behemoth. surprise, shock. inside sits a tiny, delicate man tapping on a typewriter. on the page, two words: ball honkey

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Sep 6

one time I was in a hurry and to be honest I don’t recommend it

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Sep 3

ain’t enough babies named Horace out there. when we bringin Horace back?

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 29

sure I’ll sell ya smokes but they’re $30 and they have a high resolution photo of a ripped open butt hole on the pack

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 27

every office building should have an old man who wanders the hallways silently, carrying a bucket full of bones

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 26

Amy would be an excellent name for a sniper

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 21

Might fuck around and disrespect Menelaus

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 20

my dad’s drug talk was a story about how one time he ate amanita muscaria and everything, from the knots in the kitchen cupboards to the bushes outside, transformed into cats

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 20

Me: when you go to a doctor do they prescribe leeches and a poultice? No, because we have advanced as a civilization.

Office manager: I’m very sorry but a Keurig machine that dispenses cheese simply doesn’t exist

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 19

well hon I just think “your dad invented a way to convert piss to gasoline and the oil companies disappeared him” has a better ring to it than “daddy got convicted of a massive eel fraud and is doing 6-10 years”

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 18

If you meet a guy whose nickname is Trout you bet your ass he can fight

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 13

I bet there’s a lot of seagull feathers at the dump

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 13

They say a dog’s barking up the wrong tree but maybe it’s not about the squirrel. Maybe dogs are mad as hell at the trees for providing them shelter

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 1

Super swole squirrels absolutely wreaking havoc at the nut bar

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Aug 1

sometimes you gotta let em know

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Jul 31

Well son, there’s a lot similar between dreamin and fartin. Cant see em, they linger in the edges of perception, try and control em they’ll disappear godknowswhere, and I confide my darkest, most serious dreams to yer ma

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Jul 31

I lean around the corner in the shadows and throw a few bottles of expired dog pills into an abandoned house. A silent moment gives way to fervent scurrying and the clicking sounds of child safety locks. “We found him. Dad’s in there”

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Several Onions @amusitr0n.bsky.social · Jul 24

no farm no howl

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