Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

I keep forgetting how much I love Japanese Breakfast.
music.apple.com/ca/album/div...

Diving Woman by Japanese Breakfast on Apple Music

Song · 2017 · Duration 6:32

music.apple.com

December 2, 2025 at 2:55 AM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

One frustrating thing about digital music is NO LINER NOTES. Like, who's doing this lovely delicate guitar solo? Probably Nels Cline?
music.apple.com/ca/album/hal...

Half-Asleep by Jeff Tweedy on Apple Music

Song · 2020 · Duration 4:18

music.apple.com

December 1, 2025 at 2:05 AM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

One of the best things I did all year was cancel my WaPo subscription and redirect that money to The Onion. Needless to say, I get a lot more laughs out of the latter.

Tim Onion @bencollins.bsky.social · 4d

Here's a note I sent to our members about what we did with their money, and why we expect the Onion to outgrow the Washington Post.

We keep doing weird, hard shit — taunting ICE, yelling at Congress for not taunting ICE, buying bad websites — when nobody else does.

Our members keep getting papers.

Hey there Onion members,

This is Ben Collins, CEO of America’s Finest News Source™.

I am writing today, as we have arrived at a precipice in American life, to thank you.

Our government is employing masked oafs to kidnap our neighbors, ziptie our children, and play Call of Duty: Burger King Edition in several American cities. The White House, otherwise occupied with taping an episode of HGTV’s “Help I Wrecked My House,” is hellbent on politically mandated starvation of the indigent. Worst of all, America’s airwaves have been taken over by dull throbbing moans only recently identified by scientists as something known as “Morgan Wallen.”

In short, it is not a good time out there, and our captured media has been too scared to call that out.

But, because of you, none of that is true at The Onion. For reasons we don’t like or understand, our work has become increasingly important.

You and your contribution over the last year have allowed The Onion to thrive in this precarious moment — to take risks and to say sentences mere moments before those thoughts become criminalized.

We need your help in the next year to bolster that fight as things get precipitously worse.

Because of your support, The Onion is now the 11th-most distributed newspaper in the United States, sandwiched between The Boston Globe and The Chicago Tribune. In the next year, our goal is to crack the top 10, and to surpass the circulation of the propaganda project of a notorious space pervert, Jeff Bezos and The Washington Post.

We’re confident we can reach this goal with your help. Unlike other publications, which all appear to have a fetish for caving to an increasingly maniacal and unpopular authoritarian government, The Onion remains unafraid to print the truth, straightforwardly and without favor.

Due to your patronage in the last year, we have:
Published 13 newspapers since the relaunch of our print edition in September of 2024. Over the summer, by popular demand, we increased the size of the paper by half.
Took out a full-page advertisement in the New York Times “calling upon lawmakers in Congress to sit back and do absolutely nothing,” then sent this op-ed to every member of the House and Senate and all 54,000 of our subscribers. Thankfully, they took our advice, and now people are starving.
Drove the Onion Newsvan in front of protests and ICE detention centers, blaring headlines about ICE’s one true love: teargassing elementary schools.
Released Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile in over 40 cities across North America and later on YouTube, and let independent theatres keep the ticket sales. It’s still unclear if we can write this off.

And, a year ago this week, we successfully bid on InfoWars at a bankruptcy auction, before the judgment was overturned by a judge for — and I’m paraphrasing here — being too cool.

Yes, despite a legal bill that rivals the GDP of West Virginia, we are continuing work to acquire InfoWars and evolve it into an galactically sized depot of lies, scams, and miracle cures for all of the world’s awesome new and untracked illnesses. The Supreme Court — yes, this Supreme Court — denied Alex Jones’ appeal just last month, a last gasp at evading justice, and we’re hoping this clears a path to reinventing the dumbest site on the internet very soon.

So ahead of this holiday season, please consider subscribing to The Onion for yourself, your friends, your parents, or your infant. People love getting something great in the mail every month amidst their requisite bills and death threats.

Look, we’re an independent company, we don’t use AI to write headlines and make art, and we’re one of roughly three publications who are up for the fight. Unlike other places, The Onion is quadrupling down on being a pain in the ass, politically.

Are you?

If so, I hope you’ll continue to be an Onion member, get the paper, and help us deliver ulcers to those who deserve it.

Thank you, and Tu Stultus Es,
Ben Collins
CEO | The Onion

November 28, 2025 at 11:08 PM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Roz Chast is the best.

The New Yorker @newyorker.com · 4d

A cartoon by Roz Chast, from 2015. #NewYorkerCartoons

November 28, 2025 at 7:24 PM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Much rejoicing around here as the kitten who disappeared for two days has been found stuck up a tree one block over. I for one thought she had become a coyote's dinner.

November 28, 2025 at 6:57 PM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Love this jangly ‘60s-style stuff.
music.apple.com/ca/album/the...

The End of a Gun (Single Edit) by GHOSTWOMAN on Apple Music

Song · 2020 · Duration 2:56

music.apple.com

November 27, 2025 at 2:17 AM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

C'mon get happy.
music.apple.com/ca/album/up-...

Up With People by Lambchop on Apple Music

Song · 2000 · Duration 5:59

music.apple.com

November 26, 2025 at 3:06 AM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

can't believe Hyundai's infotainment system is already at 12.3

November 23, 2025 at 6:53 AM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Not just any old sea slug, he's festive!

Mondo Mascots @mondomascots.bsky.social · 11d

Myusy, a festive sea slug, is a mascot for the coastal town of Hayama, in Kanagawa Prefecture. Myusy supports beach cleanups and activities to protect the marine environment.

A blue, yellow, and white Sea slug mascot stands in front of some tents.

November 21, 2025 at 8:03 PM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Weird Al must be made of steel. 67 shows this year, another 90 in 2026. The man is a senior citizen!

November 20, 2025 at 9:29 PM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

They're cutting up the pavement outside my house and it's like a sonic weapon, literally nauseating me.

November 20, 2025 at 6:36 PM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Apple Music's new "mixing" feature works pretty well, except when it doesn't and then hoo boy.

November 20, 2025 at 2:32 AM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

I've wanted one of these ever since I saw some on the streets of Europe. My wife calls it a Lego Car.

November 19, 2025 at 4:12 AM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Does @hodgman.bsky.social know his comedic stylings are featured in a new Cryptograms app? I can hardly wait to decipher his bon mots! (Also, some illustrious company…)

November 19, 2025 at 2:34 AM

Reposted by Andy Jukes

William Shakespeare

@shakespeare.lol

Here’s the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. O, O, O!

November 18, 2025 at 6:59 PM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Wolves using tools and whales using vowels. Fantastic. Nature is amazing.

November 18, 2025 at 5:25 AM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Am I the only person who thinks Lindsey Halligan looks like she's been generated by AI?

November 17, 2025 at 9:27 PM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

One thing I learned last week is that Megyn Kelly has gone Full Mar-A-Lago Face.

November 17, 2025 at 2:35 AM

Andy Jukes

@andyjukes.bsky.social

Funny and fact-filled piece about the demise of the US penny, from the same reporter who recently wrote a related (and also excellent) article for NYT (www.nytimes.com/2024/09/01/m...).
www.theatlantic.com/ideas/2025/1...