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Captain Caiman

@captaincaiman.bsky.social

250 followers 850 following 180 posts

Professional Pansexual Reptile. Lover of all things NSFW. Message me if you want to get freaky or if you want to hear my best dad joke. Don't beg me to commission you, I spend all my money on 55 gallon drums of lube. 🔞 No minors allowed 🔞

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Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 2d

Does anyone wanna make out sloppy style and watch Jim Henson's Labyrinth with me?

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

By the way, I'm an Artificer, hehe

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

Should I do more of these kinky breakdowns in the future? Maybe stuff like Pokemon Types or Marvel Rivals Mains? I'm open to suggestions, it's fun to dissect the levels of kinky in things!

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

ARTIFICERS are the toyboxes, if it runs on electricity and makes you cum, they probably have it in 3 different colors. They're also just as experimental as Sorcerers and Warlocks, but they strive to see just how much you can take before you break from overstim. And then you'll do the same to them!

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

CLERICS are prepared for literally anything. Condoms of every texture, thickness, and flavor, waterproof sheets, post-nut snacks, EVERYTHING. Hell, they might even have a defibrillator on standby. You're in good hands, no matter what you're into or what position you prefer. They're ready for it all

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

Paladins are so overwhelmingly wholesome that it'll put you in a sugar coma. Everything they do, they'll ask permission first, and immediately ask for feedback on if they're doing good. It's sweet, but in a "shut up and eat me out" way. But hey, they're consistent as hell and reliable as the sunrise

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

Rangers are a bit of an enigma, you can't tie them down but they'll always be back for more. They just can't be satisfied with one person, they need the thrill of the hunt to be satisfied. Once they stake their territory, they'll definitely be back. Just don't get attached, enjoy them while you can

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

BARDS are masters of foreplay, they know every button to press to get you all hot and bothered. Eventually you'll snap and fuck them harder than you thought you were capable of, and that's exactly what they want. They're BRATS! Only satisfied once you've left them as a quivering, breathless mess

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

SORCERERS like to experiment, often mixing around existing pleasures to make new ones. Waxplay + Ice Cubes, Sensory Deprivation + Rope Suspension, Anal Bead Tug-of-War, you'll never be bored when a Sorcerer gets to using that kinky mind if theirs. Just remind them to drink water, they WILL forget to

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

ROGUES are the sort of subtle freaks who like to drive you wild in public places. Nobody will see them grab your crotch or squeeze your breast, but you'll definitely feel it. Rogues love to build up that tension, just waiting for a chance to get you alone. Bonus points if they can slip a plug in you

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

MONKS are scary good at what they do. They're like heat seeking missiles for erogenous zones and g-spots. You'll cum so fast that your mind and body briefly disconnect, only to rocket back together again in a flurry of embarrassing moans and involuntary spasms. Fear the Monk and their wicked fingers

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

WIZARDS do it by the book. Hehe. But seriously, they've studied everything they can get their hands on about how to pleasure their partner. While it may take practice to get just right, a Wizard WILL have you shooting magic missiles from your fireballs in no time. So eager, so fun!

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

WARLOCKS are all about seeing just how far they can take things. They're ready to find the upper reaches of pleasure and go further beyond. So they're usually Size Queens. Don't expect to just fuck and be done, a Warlock will drag one quick bang out into an 8 hour milking session, so get hydrated

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Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

FIGHTERS are versatile, adaptive, and generally eager to try new things. Changing positions mid-fuck is their bread and butter, I don't even think they can cum unless they've performed at least 3 pages of the Kama Sutra first. But don't expect to peg them, they're kinky but still very much vanilla

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

DRUIDS are freaky, and probably have at least 2 different Bad Dragon toys in their closet that see heavy use. They also don't shave, so rainforest lovers rejoice! Just don't expect to go anywhere once you're done banging, there's no escaping the post-cum bear hug cuddle of a happy Druid.

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Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

Alright, here's what your D&D class says about how you fuck.
BARBARIANS can and will rearrange your insides, so bite that pillow and say your prayers. However, they're also aftercare PROS, and may even have a wheelchair on hand to get you safely to the bathroom for a cleanup and some vitamin gummies

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Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 3d

I fucking love D&D nerds because you can gauge exactly how exciting they'll be in bed based on how they roleplay in D&D. This is scientifically proven fact.

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Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 4d

Don't follow me if you're an AI page. Get bent, go back to sucking off robots.

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 6d

I saw the most flawless twink at the arcade today. By god, he was astounding. He had the body of Timothée Chalamet in that movie "Bones and All" and the face that could've been chiseled in a Roman bathhouse. I miss you, beautiful arcade twink. You were too perfect for me, too hot, too beautiful.

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 6d

This is peak funny

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 9d

Had a friend tell me that monster fuckers are statistically more likely to date a conventionally unattractive partner. Raise your hand if he speaks the truth, creature kissers!

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 12d

Forgot that I unplugged my phone charger to plug in my wand vibe and the phone died mid-buzz. It's a good thing I've got a vivid imagination and a very strong toy, lol

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 13d

Bakugan reference? And here I thought you were the goat before, I didn't know things could get better than the goat

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Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 17d

All I wanna do is eat a girl out while she talks about her hyperfixations

Captain Caiman @captaincaiman.bsky.social · 21d

I desperately want to grind on my wand vibe until I cum so hard that I briefly forget the quadratic formula...

but I'm so eepy...