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Carlos Valencia

@carlosvalencia.bsky.social

170 followers 210 following 310 posts

The blueskiest comic in the world. A chihuahua with a skin disease. Totally blind. Comedians feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:e7mkpu7gur4k7nocmh2dqroo/lists/3kh67uqh7fw2y

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Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 3d

For all those people that like to claim racial discrimination is a thing of the past in this country, think about this - it's been over 20 years since Old Dirty Bastard died and most states still refuse to recognize his birthday as a holiday.

For shame, AmeriKKKa.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 9d

Apparently the Nobel Prize committee didn't hear about Donald Trump's groundbreaking Tylenol research.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 10d

Mark Sanchez would be a better QB option for the Cincinnati Bengals.

And I'm talking about Right Now, At age 38, Stabbed.

#NFL

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 10d

I hate that they were being censored, but I miss the days when Pussy Riot was in the news, just because I loved hearing serious newscasters have to regularly say the words "Pussy Riot".

It's too bad Anal Cunt was never on Putin's radar.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 13d

They're just like us.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 15d

Show idea for the next Riyadh Comedy Festival: An open-mic where everyone gets one minute to perform and if the host panel doesn't like the comic's set they get dismembered.

It's called Kill Kashoggi.

Where's my $500,000?

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 16d

Not gonna lie, I'd probably do the Riyadh Comedy Festival in Saudi Arabia, but that's just because I heard the Taliban might be there and I really want to get into the JiHAHAd Comic Competition.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 17d

The term "Legend" is overused.

To me the only true legend is the one that can tell you the meaning of every symbol on a map.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 23d

This is the first time Donald Trump and RFK Jr have given women pregnancy guidance that didn't involve cash and the address of an abortion clinic.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · 24d

Women's Waterpolo might as well change its name to Competitive Come On Titty!

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Sep 14

For everyone that keeps asking me who my favorite trampolinist is- it is, was, and always will be this guy. #TeamDongDong

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Sep 12

Want to piss off a right-winger while exposing just how ignorant they are?

Just repeat their hero’s own words.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Sep 11

What an unfortunately worth it thing to happen…

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Sep 10

In times like this the best a nation can hope for is to be fortunate enough to have a wise level-headed leader with the calm sensibility to inspire serenity in times of extreme divisiveness.

America is not that nation.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Sep 9

If you ever wondered what current comics would've done South Africa during Apartheid, now you know.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Sep 7

Regretfully I will not be able to attend the Riyadh Comedy Festival as I had already accepted an invitation to Kim Jong Un's Pyongyang Laughapalooza.

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Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Sep 3

Step 1: Remove all Confederate memorial statues and gather them to be relocated at Confederate Heritage museums.

Step 2: Designate every landfill in America as a Confederate Heritage museum.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Sep 1

Freed slaves are off the chain.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Aug 31

I don't think Sam Waterston gets enough credit for warning us about the dangers of robots attacks.

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Aug 25

youtube.com/shorts/VSgro...

From my standup comedy album, It Gets Worse. @carlosVcomedy #bangbus #comedy #standupcomedy

YouTube video by carlos valencia

youtube.com

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Aug 24

You ever see someone change their relationship status to "Engaged" and you have to hold yourself back from typing "LOL"?

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Aug 22

youtube.com/shorts/hcHAZ...

Nancy Grace is the absolute worst. From @carlosVcomedy’s album It Gets Worse. #standup #comedy

YouTube video by carlos valencia

youtube.com

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Aug 20

Track 1 (Hitler Time Machine) from my (Carlos Valencia) first album (It Gets Worse).

Full album on YouTube youtu.be/pf71UN6eOVo?...

#Standup #standupcomedy #comedy

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Aug 19

Nancy Grace is the worst person in the world.

Track 10 from Carlos Valencia’s 2015 standup comedy album “It Gets Worse”.

#Standup #comedy #standupcomedy #NancyGrace

Carlos Valencia @carlosvalencia.bsky.social · Aug 17

If they just made a "No Readjustment of the Bikini" rule, Women's Beach Volleyball would be the most popular sport in the history of the world.