Ryan Coffey
@coffeysays.bsky.social
Professional bio writer
This is my day off though
This is my day off though
yeah maybe repetition legitimises but im sick of hearing it
July 10, 2025 at 10:32 PM
yeah maybe repetition legitimises but im sick of hearing it
Parents of 2 are always saying how they have to divide and conquer.
The kids are dividing YOU.
YOU'RE PLAYING RIGHT INTO THEIR HANDS DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE GALLIC WARS??
The kids are dividing YOU.
YOU'RE PLAYING RIGHT INTO THEIR HANDS DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE GALLIC WARS??
April 13, 2025 at 4:21 AM
Parents of 2 are always saying how they have to divide and conquer.
The kids are dividing YOU.
YOU'RE PLAYING RIGHT INTO THEIR HANDS DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE GALLIC WARS??
The kids are dividing YOU.
YOU'RE PLAYING RIGHT INTO THEIR HANDS DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE GALLIC WARS??
Any dinner party guest; dead or alive? I'm picking the first guy to ever ride a horse because you know he's bringing the hectic energy that merits the bag I'm packing
April 11, 2025 at 6:04 AM
Any dinner party guest; dead or alive? I'm picking the first guy to ever ride a horse because you know he's bringing the hectic energy that merits the bag I'm packing
"This site has cookies - Accept Decline"
I already have
that's why I'm ordering cookies
I already have
that's why I'm ordering cookies
April 7, 2025 at 9:03 PM
"This site has cookies - Accept Decline"
I already have
that's why I'm ordering cookies
I already have
that's why I'm ordering cookies
life before kids is like being an @ symbol before emails were invented
then suddenly you're super busy and fuck all is being achieved
then suddenly you're super busy and fuck all is being achieved
February 26, 2025 at 10:54 AM
life before kids is like being an @ symbol before emails were invented
then suddenly you're super busy and fuck all is being achieved
then suddenly you're super busy and fuck all is being achieved
A tale from my childhood
February 14, 2025 at 5:30 PM
A tale from my childhood
As a kid I mistook Kosher for Copha and I thought the Jewish community were powered entirely by chocolate crackles
February 14, 2025 at 9:37 AM
As a kid I mistook Kosher for Copha and I thought the Jewish community were powered entirely by chocolate crackles
Ocean's 11?
More like Stealy Dan
More like Stealy Dan
January 10, 2025 at 9:25 PM
Ocean's 11?
More like Stealy Dan
More like Stealy Dan
I don't know how to pronounce Açaí and that makes no impact on my ability to not order it
January 9, 2025 at 7:38 AM
I don't know how to pronounce Açaí and that makes no impact on my ability to not order it
I havent been to Sydney in so long that for a minite there i forgot Toohey's New existed
December 31, 2024 at 9:31 PM
I havent been to Sydney in so long that for a minite there i forgot Toohey's New existed
High-waisted pants are in!
I've been high and wasted for 20 years.
I didn't realise they had merch
I've been high and wasted for 20 years.
I didn't realise they had merch
December 31, 2024 at 11:36 AM
High-waisted pants are in!
I've been high and wasted for 20 years.
I didn't realise they had merch
I've been high and wasted for 20 years.
I didn't realise they had merch
Holiday Hack: if you see carollers, call the cops and tell them it's a rally for a Jewish man
The cops should disperse them and technically you haven't lied
The cops should disperse them and technically you haven't lied
December 21, 2024 at 8:43 PM
Holiday Hack: if you see carollers, call the cops and tell them it's a rally for a Jewish man
The cops should disperse them and technically you haven't lied
The cops should disperse them and technically you haven't lied
I can be ambidextrous with one hand tied behind my back
December 8, 2024 at 12:41 AM
I can be ambidextrous with one hand tied behind my back
Not sure if these are ill begotten woes or woe begotten ills
December 7, 2024 at 7:05 PM
Not sure if these are ill begotten woes or woe begotten ills
"Maybe if I work out a bit I could look look that" i say, looking at a man who does literally nothing but work out as a job for instagram
December 5, 2024 at 7:57 PM
"Maybe if I work out a bit I could look look that" i say, looking at a man who does literally nothing but work out as a job for instagram
I was worried that "a penny for your thoughts" hasn't been adjusted for inflation but I've been listening to some people's thoughts recently and it seems the value is still accurate
December 4, 2024 at 7:59 PM
I was worried that "a penny for your thoughts" hasn't been adjusted for inflation but I've been listening to some people's thoughts recently and it seems the value is still accurate
I lost Whamaggeddon in November which says more about society than it does about me really
December 1, 2024 at 6:21 AM
I lost Whamaggeddon in November which says more about society than it does about me really
Opening a vape store called Mist Opportunity
November 30, 2024 at 9:21 PM
Opening a vape store called Mist Opportunity
I've got a body like James Bond.
Unfortunately it's Timothy Dalton and he's 78
Unfortunately it's Timothy Dalton and he's 78
November 30, 2024 at 8:39 PM
I've got a body like James Bond.
Unfortunately it's Timothy Dalton and he's 78
Unfortunately it's Timothy Dalton and he's 78
More idioms we need to update (and why):
- no pain, no gain
(pain 📈 = gain 📉)
- every cloud has a silver lining
(no those are "forever chemicals")
- no pain, no gain
(pain 📈 = gain 📉)
- every cloud has a silver lining
(no those are "forever chemicals")
November 29, 2024 at 9:27 PM
More idioms we need to update (and why):
- no pain, no gain
(pain 📈 = gain 📉)
- every cloud has a silver lining
(no those are "forever chemicals")
- no pain, no gain
(pain 📈 = gain 📉)
- every cloud has a silver lining
(no those are "forever chemicals")
Idioms we need to update (and why):
- there's plenty more fish in the sea
(there aren't)
- a bad tradesman blames their tools
(they blame the government)
- once bitten, twice shy
(might need 3 or 4 bites, research on-going)
- there's plenty more fish in the sea
(there aren't)
- a bad tradesman blames their tools
(they blame the government)
- once bitten, twice shy
(might need 3 or 4 bites, research on-going)
November 29, 2024 at 9:13 PM
Idioms we need to update (and why):
- there's plenty more fish in the sea
(there aren't)
- a bad tradesman blames their tools
(they blame the government)
- once bitten, twice shy
(might need 3 or 4 bites, research on-going)
- there's plenty more fish in the sea
(there aren't)
- a bad tradesman blames their tools
(they blame the government)
- once bitten, twice shy
(might need 3 or 4 bites, research on-going)
I've got more money than God
Actually God has none, so maybe I have slightly less money than God but it's close, so I've got that going for me
Actually God has none, so maybe I have slightly less money than God but it's close, so I've got that going for me
November 27, 2024 at 9:37 PM
I've got more money than God
Actually God has none, so maybe I have slightly less money than God but it's close, so I've got that going for me
Actually God has none, so maybe I have slightly less money than God but it's close, so I've got that going for me
Out here sucking on my keys and starting the car with a vape.
How you all doing?
How you all doing?
November 27, 2024 at 6:59 AM
Out here sucking on my keys and starting the car with a vape.
How you all doing?
How you all doing?
Daughter woke up from a nightmare so I climbed into bed with her and fell asleep and instantly has a nightmare
Sorry kid, you're on your own, rooms haunted, best of luck
Sorry kid, you're on your own, rooms haunted, best of luck
November 25, 2024 at 10:07 PM
Daughter woke up from a nightmare so I climbed into bed with her and fell asleep and instantly has a nightmare
Sorry kid, you're on your own, rooms haunted, best of luck
Sorry kid, you're on your own, rooms haunted, best of luck
So grateful the we dont celebrate Thanksgiving
November 25, 2024 at 8:44 PM
So grateful the we dont celebrate Thanksgiving