darkwise
@darkwise.bsky.social
Pinned
darkwise
@darkwise.bsky.social
· May 19
Just once, when a girl scout knocks, I want to open the door dressed as the Cookie Monster and go fucking nuts.
I am going to hire a police sketch artist for the wedding.
December 8, 2025 at 8:49 PM
I am going to hire a police sketch artist for the wedding.
I accidentally cut off my finger during dinner last night, but I should be okay, as I rubbed some extra-body shampoo on it.
December 8, 2025 at 8:28 PM
I accidentally cut off my finger during dinner last night, but I should be okay, as I rubbed some extra-body shampoo on it.
My heartbeat is just a musical note that I want to last forever.
December 8, 2025 at 12:31 AM
My heartbeat is just a musical note that I want to last forever.
He said she was stubborn, closed off. The ax was heavy, deliberate. One swing split her skull like wet wood. He smiled, peering into the ruin. “Now you’re open minded.” Her eyes blinked once. The wound howled. Something inside had been waiting to speak.
December 7, 2025 at 11:36 PM
He said she was stubborn, closed off. The ax was heavy, deliberate. One swing split her skull like wet wood. He smiled, peering into the ruin. “Now you’re open minded.” Her eyes blinked once. The wound howled. Something inside had been waiting to speak.
I've seen more red flags on this app than I've seen checkered flags in NASCAR.
Just kidding, I don't watch NASCAR.
Just kidding, I don't watch NASCAR.
December 7, 2025 at 10:02 PM
I've seen more red flags on this app than I've seen checkered flags in NASCAR.
Just kidding, I don't watch NASCAR.
Just kidding, I don't watch NASCAR.
I see a background and I want to paint it bluuue.
December 7, 2025 at 8:08 PM
I see a background and I want to paint it bluuue.
Do altruistic things privately and quietly. Never, ever tell a soul.
December 7, 2025 at 3:28 AM
Do altruistic things privately and quietly. Never, ever tell a soul.
Sometimes, I worry that my dates are just Mrs. Doubtfiring me.
December 7, 2025 at 1:14 AM
Sometimes, I worry that my dates are just Mrs. Doubtfiring me.
Oh wow, she's cute!
* notices trite, tired, played out middle finger selfies
Oops, I was wrong.
* notices trite, tired, played out middle finger selfies
Oops, I was wrong.
December 7, 2025 at 1:02 AM
Oh wow, she's cute!
* notices trite, tired, played out middle finger selfies
Oops, I was wrong.
* notices trite, tired, played out middle finger selfies
Oops, I was wrong.
I was so tired that I took a nap right in the middle of my sleep.
December 6, 2025 at 8:56 PM
I was so tired that I took a nap right in the middle of my sleep.
The crew member who fellates always goes down with the ship.
December 6, 2025 at 8:54 PM
The crew member who fellates always goes down with the ship.
Nickelback is more than a band. It is also the amount of change you get back for a ten cent prostitute.
December 6, 2025 at 8:49 PM
Nickelback is more than a band. It is also the amount of change you get back for a ten cent prostitute.
McDonald's has started to put more relevant treats inside of Happy Meal boxes. This month, it's an insulin shot.
December 6, 2025 at 8:30 PM
McDonald's has started to put more relevant treats inside of Happy Meal boxes. This month, it's an insulin shot.
I usually kiss on the first date.
And the last.
And the last.
December 6, 2025 at 8:19 PM
I usually kiss on the first date.
And the last.
And the last.
I took a trip down memory lane.
It was mostly gutter balls.
It was mostly gutter balls.
December 6, 2025 at 8:16 PM
I took a trip down memory lane.
It was mostly gutter balls.
It was mostly gutter balls.
Do you ever wish you were the one that 8 maids were a' milking?
December 6, 2025 at 8:12 PM
Do you ever wish you were the one that 8 maids were a' milking?
I tattooed a mistletoe on my ass. You know what to do.
December 6, 2025 at 8:01 PM
I tattooed a mistletoe on my ass. You know what to do.
The devil on my shoulder looks a lot like you.
December 6, 2025 at 7:37 PM
The devil on my shoulder looks a lot like you.
Can deviled eggs be forgiven for their sins?
December 6, 2025 at 5:50 PM
Can deviled eggs be forgiven for their sins?
Deviled eggs are alright, but sometimes the horns and tails get caught between my teeth.
December 6, 2025 at 5:49 PM
Deviled eggs are alright, but sometimes the horns and tails get caught between my teeth.
Hey!! Who hung this DO NOT ENTER sign on my love life??
December 6, 2025 at 5:48 PM
Hey!! Who hung this DO NOT ENTER sign on my love life??
The mechanized bunny staggered, drum slowing, batteries leaking acid. Crowds cheered its endless march, but silence fell when the pink automaton collapsed. The beat stopped, and the world realized it had been keeping time with something far darker.
December 6, 2025 at 2:51 PM
The mechanized bunny staggered, drum slowing, batteries leaking acid. Crowds cheered its endless march, but silence fell when the pink automaton collapsed. The beat stopped, and the world realized it had been keeping time with something far darker.
Santa Claus pretty much invented home invasions.
December 6, 2025 at 2:48 PM
Santa Claus pretty much invented home invasions.
If you are hearing voices in your head, you might have kids.
December 6, 2025 at 4:10 AM
If you are hearing voices in your head, you might have kids.
Taco Tuesday: When the Mexican food revolted and took over the free world, bending the knee of every last man, woman and child.
December 6, 2025 at 4:03 AM
Taco Tuesday: When the Mexican food revolted and took over the free world, bending the knee of every last man, woman and child.