Author | Lightnews

roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 15h

I am so proud of my love and so grateful for him and I will scream it for all the world to hear

roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

for anyone to heal and grow. even my narcissistic father is healing his narcissism only now in his 50s after he finally healed his inner child a bit, after he finally slowed down in life and accepted a lack of control from facing his own health problems. his healing will help so many people, too.

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

especially when the whole world is traumatized and taking it out on each other all the time, and being soft makes us vulnerable. but vulnerability... invites true connection. empathy builds community. enmeshment basically builds Jenga towers. spectacular but built to fall apart. it is not too late-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

ruminate over why does any of this happen... and to be honest it's not just because anything is "wrong" with *anyone.* it's just because life is hard for everyone in their own unique ways and every form of empathy doesn't come naturally to everyone. kind-/gentleness are harder & harder to choose-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

it's essential to learn to set boundaries with kindness instead of harshness so we can recognize when others are setting boundaries better, and also to remember that people tend not to understand new boundaries without hearing them repeated firmly & enforced/modeled steadily. it's common for us to-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

run, run, and keep running for decades instead of holding that two things can be true: I am imperfect and not always right... and I also deserve to love myself and set boundaries... I think it's so hard because others boundaries trigger our attachment fears, and we've never learned to set our own-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

the most peaceful and happy people I know admit fault and repair relationships with ease, the most successful people I know are the people who encourage growth not only in themselves but others in their community. the most pain I see is in people who are so scared of not being perfect that they-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

and self-guided healing work was encouraged for everyone, I think people would have much healthier relationships and way less falling outs. but I think our culture normalizes that confidence means believing we are morally superior and right... but the most confident people I know are humble-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

what truly helps heal conflict, create lasting relationships, break the cycles... is owning our part in what went wrong, allowing people to hold us accountable, and not seeing anyone ever as evil – especially ourselves. "toxic shame" is a real thing, and if we just had more education about it–

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

you have left is restarting with new friends– cycling through the same patterns until the lesson is learned and healing and behavior change has finally happened. we always play a part in our own suffering, EVEN if someone else hurt us, too. it is not so black and white that only one person is wrong-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

overly suspicious of anyone you haven't come to trust as deeply. assuming malicious intentions in everyone else and marking them as dangerous is a trauma response, and I understand that, but healing is a personal responsibility & a lack of healing harms everyone you love, over and over, until all-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

codependency, find communities overwhelming because it is hard to understand why others can all be so close to one another when that is a kind of closeness maybe they personally reserve for one or two people at a time. yes, have a small inner circle- of course! however... that doesn't mean be-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

safety comes in individuality... there is a term called "interdependence" which is a natural state of people needing people... we are a social species. "codependence" is often when we put all of our feelings on just one person, and they on us. imo, people who have only ever known these cycles of-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

and shouldn't want to be the only person they lean on. we shouldn't see relationships as this all or nothing thing. a single titular "best friend" isn't inherently a bad thing, however most people move on from ranking their bonds as greater-than/ lesser-than in adulthood. safety forms in community-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

despite a lack of protecting them from everything, despite them prioritizing themselves and their other relationship. despite our attachment wounds lighting up, our fear of abandonment, our fear of the people we love getting hurt. we learn to trust they will come to us if they need us, and we can't-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

that it comes from a place of love to try to over-protect someone... I've been there. but that is enabling, holding someone back, isolating, and just generally harmful to the person you love. as the saying goes, "to love someone is to let them go." we can trust people will stay despite space-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

is valid, but creating a dynamic where you instill fear, panic, and distrust in a person to their entire support network outside of you and present yourself as the only safe and better option, is harmful behavior that needs corrected. I've seen this behavior in multiple people, and I understand-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

and to only trust you and lean on you. I think that people don't do this maliciously!!! but it's really disrespectful of your friend or partner to not let them make their own boundaries, their own mistakes, and their own choices about who to let in their life and to what extent. expressing concern-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

want to protect.. but it doesn't mean we need to push them apart. I think we should encourage people to have boundaries and communicate, to love and trust others, and to have a support network tbh. I think it's very unhealthy to make someone distrust themselves and their larger support network-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

turn out okay, usually. live and let live, release your need to control a scenario or save people from their own mistakes... because that equates to holding someone back from their own growth, their own other relationships. people are not always going to be perfect to us or the people we love and-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

it's not our job to save anyone. it's not our responsibility to share all of our inner world with people just because they want us to let them protect (and honestly, control) our lives. often in life, conflict is borne of people grasping for control... but live and let live, and things will-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

your friend or partner to be suspicious of everyone, to distrust their support network, to isolate someone you love and encourage them to confide in you codependently and intensely (engulfment, enmeshed)... intensity ALWAYS breeds fallouts, conflict, drama, and pain for everyone (even bystanders.)-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

maybe, you'll feel like a better friend and person when you keep your thoughts more private, or to people who hold steady that they trust you to make your own decisions and love you regardless of what your feelings are. it is not normal to shame someone for being upset, it is not normal to push-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

connected to our social network. if you only tell one person your feelings more than anyone else, maybe you should question that? maybe it's not that they're "the safest person." maybe they are just a person, and you need to trust yourself without over relying on their guidance like they reinforce-

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roe 🔮 @desiwraith.bsky.social · 17h

social life are more important than your own ability to process your feelings for yourself, decide for yourself, or protect yourself. sometimes, people who engulf us mean to protect us, but that over-protectiveness is exactly what dysregulates us, makes us trust ourselves less, and feel less-

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