tbf it's not like he said i don't look thinner.. he just said I don't look my weight. still it's funny cause before that I asked his weight (cause he's also losing weight) and i told him I thought he was thinner so we told each other the exact opposite and ofc his was the most insensitive

the truth is that im in fact thinner because ive lost more than 10 fucking kilos lmao

today I told my dad my weight and he was like "you look fatter" and later my mom was like "you look thinner".. im getting mixed signals ahshdjdjd

whenever i try to tell my parents something wholesome abt friends from other cultures they make the conversation racist it's so fucking unbearable

i hate my personality because it just seems like it was made by an entity to make a human develop as many mental health issues as possible, and the problem is that it feels unchangeable. i know i'm probably not doing all i can, but as i said... i just can't. but i guess i'll keep trying

i don't have that many friends so this is silly lol. i'm just thinking of past experiences because i unfortunately only live in my past or in my future.
i wanted to talk about other things but... if this is oversharing, that other part felt to pathetic when i was writing it lol.

but i truly wish that at least my friends or people i hang out with could see me. i wish they didn't dismiss me when i try so fucking hard every single day of my life. not even my parents understand even when i understand, no one seems to understand and it's so isolating and makes me feel worthless

and it's not like i want people to pity me for this. i want to get my shit together and just do this shit. but i fucking can't and i've been "procrastinating" basic shit for years. like i literally can't see anything because i keep procrastinating getting glasses. i can barely read my screens.

and then, it drives me insane when people look at me in the face and tell me i'm not trying. and i understand it doesnt seem that i'm trying, because i do nothing because i have the biggest executive dysfunction of anyone i know. i think a lot and do little, but i do as much as i can manage.

either way i think it's probably the best thing i can do because these impulses to just rant to friends are not good. or maybe it's just cause i can't control the impulse for self-pity when i open up. perhaps there's a point in the middle but it's hard to know.

it's also v frustrating that i feel i can't open up to anyone because i have so much shit inside that it'd just become toxic in the end. after a certain situation years ago, i just started to talk about myself as little as possible. and it worked to keep friends. but it feels like i can't be myself

i can't just isolate forever, because that makes me sad and i don't even actually want it, even if it's comfy. that's why i keep trying. but i can't help but wonder if there's a point or if i'm having false hope. i wish i wasn't like this because it's so hard and painful. +

i want to be social and extroverted and to have many friends and to love them and to be loved. it's my biggest desire. but i often ask myself how possible that even is. if all of this pain is pointless and i'm just feeding my self-hatred by wishing to change. but this can't be my life, right? +

despite forcing myself to socialize in order to hopefully improve and hoping that it will one day become something natural that doesn't feel like skinning myself alive.. it just never actually gets better, sadly. it's also hard bc i genuinely wish to be the opposite of how i am. +

sad rant incoming

having a very deep-rooted dislike for socializing because of trauma and perhaps Genetic Brain Things while having a fixation with my need to socialize and make friends is the worst thing and it drives me insane because no matter what i choose i'm suffering and it feels that +