Author | Lightnews

Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 15h

Good morning Melbourne!

If you're a cunt who enjoys playing dressup and watching horse abuse whilst getting absolutely shitfaced, we're running train services all day to and from Flemington Racecourse.

#MetroTrains #NupToTheCup

Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 4d

Metro 5.15pm Update:

Reports of a number of people out trick-or-treating in ticket thug costumes.

A very brave choice. Not everyone has the confidence to go outside dressed as Melbourne's most feared cryptid.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 5d

Throwback Thursday!

This 1982 Mark Bau pic shows locomotive E1102 at Flemington Racecourse.

This was in a time when "taking an E" meant something else entirely, and definitely less fun.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 6d

Metro 5.40pm Update:

Minor delays at present on the Cranbourne, Frankston, Pakenham and Sandringham lines because fuck you, that’s why.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 8d

Metro 5.25pm Update:

Due to all lines running a good service, we're unable to think up a snarky/witty/funny comment to post.

We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 12d

This Nov 1983 Warren Banfield pic shows DERM RM56-64 on a Sunbury-bound service approaching Footscray.

This scene has changed considerably since then: the factories are gone, replaced by cheap generic apartment towers devoid of any personality.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 13d

Metro 5.15pm Update:

Due to extreme weather across Melbourne this afternoon we’re cancelling all services for the remainder of the day.

We’re don’t want our trains damaged by falling debris just because you selfish arseholes want to get somewhere.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 13d

Good morning Melbourne!

Geelong has a public holiday today. Although we don’t run trains to Geelong, we don’t want to miss out on the fun.

Throughout today we’ll run random trains to a public holiday timetable. Enjoy!

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 16d

Yes, services were held up whilst the doggo was rescued, but if you complained about the delays you're a cunt.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 18d

Metro 5.25pm Update:

All lines are currently operating a good service.

We regret any convenience this causes.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 19d

Throwback Thursday!

This March 1986 Mark Bau pic shows a St Albans-bound Harris set at Albion.

You may notice Albion was a complete shithole in 1986. It remains a complete shithole in 2025.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 19d

Offering door to door service, Sydney’s buses are miles ahead of us when it comes to customer service.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 21d

Metro 5.30pm Update:

All lines are currently running well with no delays, cancellations or other issues.

We haven’t actually checked, so here’s hoping that’s the case.

#MetroTrains

Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 24d

We weren’t aware the bridges had formed a union and were taking industrial action.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 26d

Throwback Thursday! (kind of)

Completely fucking forgot about this and can't be fucked finding something to post.

So please enjoy last week's Throwback Thursday.

bsky.app/profile/fake...

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Fake Metro Trains (@fakemetrotrains.bsky.social)

This Feb 1965 EW Morgan pic shows a Tait set at Lilydale on an ARHS enthusiast tour. Enthusiasts then: Camera, lunch and notebook. Enthusiasts now: Camera, lunch, notebook and a restraining order…

bsky.app

Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 27d

We've today updated our network control software to v10.8.3.

Release notes:

* All lines run a good service.
* Reduce incidents of spontaneous signal failures by 0.0003%.

This update is untested - there's no guarantee how stable it is. We expect errors to occur.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 28d

BREAKING: The Metro Tunnel will soft open to passenger services in early December.

We plan to follow the Rosstown Railway strategy: Build, run one train, declare victory.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosstow...

#MetroTrains

Rosstown Railway - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · 29d

The bus … it yearns for nature.

www.msn.com/en-au/news/a...

#MetroTrains

MSN

A V/Line bus carrying a number of passengers plunges down an embankment in Victoria's south east, prompting a high-angle rescue.

www.msn.com

Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · Oct 4

Reminder: Daylight Saving begins tonight. Your clocks go forward one hour at 2am.

However, we’ll be doing no such thing. We believe time is simply an illusion used to schedule trains - and frankly - we want absolutely no part in any of that.

#MetroTrains

Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · Oct 2

This Feb 1965 EW Morgan pic shows a Tait set at Lilydale on an ARHS enthusiast tour.

Enthusiasts then: Camera, lunch and notebook.

Enthusiasts now: Camera, lunch, notebook and a restraining order ordering them to keep away from our staff.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · Sep 29

Metro 5.35pm Update:

All lines are running a good service this afternoon.

This is because we spent most the day browsing Reddit and chatting up Emma in Marketing, completely forgetting to arrange any fuckups.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · Sep 27

Congratulations to Brisbane winning the #AFLGrandFinal.

Back home to Geelong? Last train leaves at 1.10am with additional services/night buses running.

Home to Brisbane? No train line to the airport, but there’s Uber or something maybe. Off you fuck. Quickly.

#MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · Sep 26

Good morning Melbourne!

We’ve just been informed there’s a big sportsball match today at the MCG.

Bit last minute, but we’ll throw on an extra train or two to help with the several hundred or so people attending.

#MetroTrains #AFLGrandFinal

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · Sep 25

Good morning Melbourne!

Due to today's Grand Final public holiday all delays, cancellations and other fuckups will operate to an altered timetable. Remember to check the Fake Metro Trains app before your journey.

#MetroTrains

Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains.bsky.social · Sep 25

Throwback Thursday!

This May 2003 Weston Langford pic shows Elecrail's Tait set at Showgrounds, running an enthusiast special.

Heritage trains still run on the Racecourse line, however we generally refer to them as "Comeng sets".

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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