The Halfway Post
@halfwaypost.bsky.social
Dadaist graffiti news. Halfway true comedy and satire for your doomscrolling by Dash MacIntyre. I don't report the facts, I improve them.
Check out my Substack: https://substack.com/@thehalfwaycafe
Check out my Substack: https://substack.com/@thehalfwaycafe
BREAKING: A federal judge says he will throw out every politicized prosecution, like the Don Lemon arrest, coming from Pam Bondi until she releases the Epstein Files as she was legally required to do 40 days ago, because she clearly is too busy to be arresting journalists.
January 30, 2026 at 3:59 PM
BREAKING: A federal judge says he will throw out every politicized prosecution, like the Don Lemon arrest, coming from Pam Bondi until she releases the Epstein Files as she was legally required to do 40 days ago, because she clearly is too busy to be arresting journalists.
BREAKING: ICE agents are reportedly being ticketed by Minneapolis police for every petty infraction possible—including jaywalking, littering, and speeding one mile over the limit—and the police officers keep telling them, “You should have complied with the law, or stayed home.”
January 30, 2026 at 2:26 PM
BREAKING: ICE agents are reportedly being ticketed by Minneapolis police for every petty infraction possible—including jaywalking, littering, and speeding one mile over the limit—and the police officers keep telling them, “You should have complied with the law, or stayed home.”
BREAKING: According to Grindr users, screenings of the new Melania movie have become major hookup spots for closeted Republicans.
January 30, 2026 at 12:07 AM
BREAKING: According to Grindr users, screenings of the new Melania movie have become major hookup spots for closeted Republicans.
BREAKING: The Oscars are reportedly debating about nominating the new Melania movie for an Oscar just because, as one Academy member explained, “It would be hilarious how irate Donald Trump would get because he has never been nominated.”
January 29, 2026 at 9:26 PM
BREAKING: The Oscars are reportedly debating about nominating the new Melania movie for an Oscar just because, as one Academy member explained, “It would be hilarious how irate Donald Trump would get because he has never been nominated.”
BREAKING: The Melania movie has lost Amazon so much money that Amazon’s board of directors just voted for Jeff Bezos to get no bathroom breaks for a month, and to pee in a water bottle while working.
January 29, 2026 at 8:00 PM
BREAKING: The Melania movie has lost Amazon so much money that Amazon’s board of directors just voted for Jeff Bezos to get no bathroom breaks for a month, and to pee in a water bottle while working.
BREAKING: The Secret Service is reportedly warning JD Vance not to bring his wife and kids to visit Minneapolis because they can't guarantee ICE won't racially profile them, arrest them, and imprison them in a Texan concentration camp.
January 29, 2026 at 5:44 PM
BREAKING: The Secret Service is reportedly warning JD Vance not to bring his wife and kids to visit Minneapolis because they can't guarantee ICE won't racially profile them, arrest them, and imprison them in a Texan concentration camp.
BREAKING: ICE is having such giant recruitment and agent retention problems that they're reportedly changing the training period from 47 days to 47 minutes.
January 29, 2026 at 4:19 PM
BREAKING: ICE is having such giant recruitment and agent retention problems that they're reportedly changing the training period from 47 days to 47 minutes.
BREAKING: A brand new soda company reshot the infamous Kendall Jenner/Pepsi ad, but this time the police are ICE, and, instead of accepting the soda while the crowd cheers, the ICE agent slaps the can out of her hand and shoots her 10 times as "ABOLISH ICE" flashes on the screen.
January 29, 2026 at 3:50 PM
BREAKING: A brand new soda company reshot the infamous Kendall Jenner/Pepsi ad, but this time the police are ICE, and, instead of accepting the soda while the crowd cheers, the ICE agent slaps the can out of her hand and shoots her 10 times as "ABOLISH ICE" flashes on the screen.
BREAKING: After a movie theatre in Utah actually sold a few tickets for the Melania documentary, the theatre's manager decided to show those customers a documentary on Jeffrey Epstein instead.
January 29, 2026 at 2:17 PM
BREAKING: After a movie theatre in Utah actually sold a few tickets for the Melania documentary, the theatre's manager decided to show those customers a documentary on Jeffrey Epstein instead.
BREAKING: An official from the Razzie Awards that honor the year’s worst movies says Melania’s new documentary is likely to be the Razzie’s “Ben-Hur” and “The Return of the King” in setting the record for the most Razzies won.
January 29, 2026 at 4:20 AM
BREAKING: An official from the Razzie Awards that honor the year’s worst movies says Melania’s new documentary is likely to be the Razzie’s “Ben-Hur” and “The Return of the King” in setting the record for the most Razzies won.
BREAKING: An “unprecedented” alliance among many of the nation’s top gangs is reportedly being brokered so they can collectively help guard big cities’ voting locations in November in the event that ICE tries to intimidate voters or rig the election.
January 29, 2026 at 2:52 AM
BREAKING: An “unprecedented” alliance among many of the nation’s top gangs is reportedly being brokered so they can collectively help guard big cities’ voting locations in November in the event that ICE tries to intimidate voters or rig the election.
BREAKING: The 99-year-old WW2 veteran from Minneapolis who has been protesting ICE every day this week keeps intentionally driving his motorized wheelchair into ICE agents at top speed, and blaming it on not having good traction because of the ice.
January 29, 2026 at 1:14 AM
BREAKING: The 99-year-old WW2 veteran from Minneapolis who has been protesting ICE every day this week keeps intentionally driving his motorized wheelchair into ICE agents at top speed, and blaming it on not having good traction because of the ice.
BREAKING: Internal ICE memos show the agency is having repeat problems with agents’ kids hiding their weapons, masks, and body armor to hinder their parents’ domestic terrorism.
January 28, 2026 at 10:38 PM
BREAKING: Internal ICE memos show the agency is having repeat problems with agents’ kids hiding their weapons, masks, and body armor to hinder their parents’ domestic terrorism.
BREAKING: Rumors that Trump might fire Stephen Miller over the ICE murders are growing after Miller was seen removing the coffin he keeps in the White House to take naps in during the day.
January 28, 2026 at 8:51 PM
BREAKING: Rumors that Trump might fire Stephen Miller over the ICE murders are growing after Miller was seen removing the coffin he keeps in the White House to take naps in during the day.
BREAKING: ICE officials are reportedly mad that tow companies in Minneapolis keep towing ICE vehicles, but the tow truck drivers keep shrugging and saying, "If you all refuse to identify yourselves, it's impossible for us to tell which vehicles are yours, isn't it?"
January 28, 2026 at 7:44 PM
BREAKING: ICE officials are reportedly mad that tow companies in Minneapolis keep towing ICE vehicles, but the tow truck drivers keep shrugging and saying, "If you all refuse to identify yourselves, it's impossible for us to tell which vehicles are yours, isn't it?"
BREAKING: Mike Johnson reportedly fell into a well two weeks ago and no one has noticed he’s gone because he never has an opinion on any of our political crises anyway.
January 28, 2026 at 7:08 PM
BREAKING: Mike Johnson reportedly fell into a well two weeks ago and no one has noticed he’s gone because he never has an opinion on any of our political crises anyway.
BREAKING: ICE agents’ masks are backfiring because they’re getting tan lines from the masks, and now everyone can tell who is an agent.
January 28, 2026 at 4:33 PM
BREAKING: ICE agents’ masks are backfiring because they’re getting tan lines from the masks, and now everyone can tell who is an agent.
EXCLUSIVE: Stephen Miller reportedly left a box of cockroaches in Kristi Noem's office with a note that said, "You're going down for the ICE murders, not me!" and Noem reportedly left a dead dog on Miller's porch.
January 28, 2026 at 3:12 PM
EXCLUSIVE: Stephen Miller reportedly left a box of cockroaches in Kristi Noem's office with a note that said, "You're going down for the ICE murders, not me!" and Noem reportedly left a dead dog on Miller's porch.
BREAKING: With the dministration frantically playing the blame game to find someone for Trump to fire over the ICE murders, Stephen Miller reportedly regrets having no friends.
January 28, 2026 at 2:38 PM
BREAKING: With the dministration frantically playing the blame game to find someone for Trump to fire over the ICE murders, Stephen Miller reportedly regrets having no friends.
BREAKING: Kristi Noem reportedly put on bright orange makeup for her meeting with Trump today where she begged him not to fire her.
January 28, 2026 at 5:50 AM
BREAKING: Kristi Noem reportedly put on bright orange makeup for her meeting with Trump today where she begged him not to fire her.
BREAKING: A televangelist who visited the White House today claims he saw Jesus's face in Trump' purple hand bruise.
January 28, 2026 at 3:41 AM
BREAKING: A televangelist who visited the White House today claims he saw Jesus's face in Trump' purple hand bruise.
BREAKING: A Trump staffer accidentally described Trump's stench on a hot mic: “The Diet Coke makes his breath terrible, the makeup on his purple hands smells weird, his manboob sweat soaks into his suits, his swollen cankles reek of death, and it all mixes with his hairspray."
January 28, 2026 at 12:31 AM
BREAKING: A Trump staffer accidentally described Trump's stench on a hot mic: “The Diet Coke makes his breath terrible, the makeup on his purple hands smells weird, his manboob sweat soaks into his suits, his swollen cankles reek of death, and it all mixes with his hairspray."
BREAKING: A 99-year-old WW2 veteran got off with just a warning from a police officer today after he threw a dozen eggs at ICE agents yelling at them, "The Nazis in Normandy weren't wearing masks you cowards!"
January 27, 2026 at 11:25 PM
BREAKING: A 99-year-old WW2 veteran got off with just a warning from a police officer today after he threw a dozen eggs at ICE agents yelling at them, "The Nazis in Normandy weren't wearing masks you cowards!"
BREAKING: Alcoholics Anonymous just announced that drinking on the day Trump finally strokes out won't count against anyone's sobriety.
January 27, 2026 at 9:54 PM
BREAKING: Alcoholics Anonymous just announced that drinking on the day Trump finally strokes out won't count against anyone's sobriety.
BREAKING: A 99-year-old WW2 veteran in Minneapolis reportedly put an ICE agent in a chokehold today shouting at him, "I wasn't afraid of Nazis in France, and I'm not afraid of them in Minnesota either!"
January 27, 2026 at 8:46 PM
BREAKING: A 99-year-old WW2 veteran in Minneapolis reportedly put an ICE agent in a chokehold today shouting at him, "I wasn't afraid of Nazis in France, and I'm not afraid of them in Minnesota either!"