Davy Hulme
@hulme.bsky.social
I’m posting jokes/pics I’ve received/sent on MMS/sms/email from the last 15 years. Enjoy 😊
Bono and Edge walk into the bar and the barman says,
"Oh No, not U2 again.
"Oh No, not U2 again.
November 10, 2025 at 4:58 PM
Bono and Edge walk into the bar and the barman says,
"Oh No, not U2 again.
"Oh No, not U2 again.
I've been trying to break up with an Optician…it's really difficult!
Every time I tell her I can't see her anymore, she moves an inch closer and says: "How about now?"
Every time I tell her I can't see her anymore, she moves an inch closer and says: "How about now?"
November 10, 2025 at 8:14 AM
I've been trying to break up with an Optician…it's really difficult!
Every time I tell her I can't see her anymore, she moves an inch closer and says: "How about now?"
Every time I tell her I can't see her anymore, she moves an inch closer and says: "How about now?"
Why do we call it CPR?
Because by the time you finish saying "cardiopulmonary resuscitation…”
Because by the time you finish saying "cardiopulmonary resuscitation…”
November 10, 2025 at 8:12 AM
Why do we call it CPR?
Because by the time you finish saying "cardiopulmonary resuscitation…”
Because by the time you finish saying "cardiopulmonary resuscitation…”
My brother reacted really badly to going to jail. He spat at everyone, refused food and drink, wouldn’t speak to anyone…
Mind you, I’m not that keen on Monopoly myself.
Mind you, I’m not that keen on Monopoly myself.
November 9, 2025 at 6:21 PM
My brother reacted really badly to going to jail. He spat at everyone, refused food and drink, wouldn’t speak to anyone…
Mind you, I’m not that keen on Monopoly myself.
Mind you, I’m not that keen on Monopoly myself.
How do libraries manage to stock so many books?
It’s shelf-explanatory.
It’s shelf-explanatory.
November 9, 2025 at 8:18 AM
How do libraries manage to stock so many books?
It’s shelf-explanatory.
It’s shelf-explanatory.
It’s a fact!
The first golfer to score 3 under par was called Albert Ross.
November 8, 2025 at 10:33 AM
It’s a fact!
The first golfer to score 3 under par was called Albert Ross.
As I left home this morning I was punched in the face by a giant beetle. Apparently there's a nasty bug going round.
November 7, 2025 at 2:03 PM
As I left home this morning I was punched in the face by a giant beetle. Apparently there's a nasty bug going round.
Where do troublesome rainbows go?
To prism. It's a light sentence, giving them time to reflect.
To prism. It's a light sentence, giving them time to reflect.
November 7, 2025 at 7:37 AM
Where do troublesome rainbows go?
To prism. It's a light sentence, giving them time to reflect.
To prism. It's a light sentence, giving them time to reflect.
Whenever I cook with wheat, barley, or rice, everyone gets terrible headaches.
Turns out they suffer from my grains.
Turns out they suffer from my grains.
November 6, 2025 at 12:07 PM
Whenever I cook with wheat, barley, or rice, everyone gets terrible headaches.
Turns out they suffer from my grains.
Turns out they suffer from my grains.
A teenager told me she was awarded the Leslie Neilsen badge at school.
I asked “What's that?”
She said, “It's a big building with lots of kids, but that's not important right now.”
I asked “What's that?”
She said, “It's a big building with lots of kids, but that's not important right now.”
November 6, 2025 at 11:30 AM
A teenager told me she was awarded the Leslie Neilsen badge at school.
I asked “What's that?”
She said, “It's a big building with lots of kids, but that's not important right now.”
I asked “What's that?”
She said, “It's a big building with lots of kids, but that's not important right now.”
Why do heavy metal bands refuse to drink Coke?
Because it's pop.
Because it's pop.
November 6, 2025 at 10:00 AM
Why do heavy metal bands refuse to drink Coke?
Because it's pop.
Because it's pop.
I saw a man pick up a 100lb dumbbell with only his toes…
Amazing feat.
Amazing feat.
November 5, 2025 at 11:23 AM
I saw a man pick up a 100lb dumbbell with only his toes…
Amazing feat.
Amazing feat.
Which font is best to write down swear words?
Cursive.
Cursive.
November 5, 2025 at 7:50 AM
Which font is best to write down swear words?
Cursive.
Cursive.
What do you call a duck that likes watching fireworks?
A firequacker.
A firequacker.
November 5, 2025 at 7:38 AM
What do you call a duck that likes watching fireworks?
A firequacker.
A firequacker.
Anybody want a subscription to Chiropractic Magazine?
I have all the back issues I need.
I have all the back issues I need.
November 4, 2025 at 3:53 PM
Anybody want a subscription to Chiropractic Magazine?
I have all the back issues I need.
I have all the back issues I need.
A 70-year-old man was showing off his 23-year-old wife to his friends.
When they asked, How did you convince her to marry you?
He grinned: Simple—I lied about my age by 25 years.
His friends gasped: Wait, you told her you were 45?!
The old man chuckled and shook his head: Nope…I told her I was 95.
When they asked, How did you convince her to marry you?
He grinned: Simple—I lied about my age by 25 years.
His friends gasped: Wait, you told her you were 45?!
The old man chuckled and shook his head: Nope…I told her I was 95.
November 4, 2025 at 11:46 AM
A 70-year-old man was showing off his 23-year-old wife to his friends.
When they asked, How did you convince her to marry you?
He grinned: Simple—I lied about my age by 25 years.
His friends gasped: Wait, you told her you were 45?!
The old man chuckled and shook his head: Nope…I told her I was 95.
When they asked, How did you convince her to marry you?
He grinned: Simple—I lied about my age by 25 years.
His friends gasped: Wait, you told her you were 45?!
The old man chuckled and shook his head: Nope…I told her I was 95.
I’ve noticed that the word "seven" has "even" in it.
That's odd.
That's odd.
November 4, 2025 at 8:01 AM
I’ve noticed that the word "seven" has "even" in it.
That's odd.
That's odd.
I accidentally took my cat’s medicine yesterday
Don't ask me-ow.
Don't ask me-ow.
November 3, 2025 at 1:20 PM
I accidentally took my cat’s medicine yesterday
Don't ask me-ow.
Don't ask me-ow.
What's the difference between a cop who says thank you and Socrates?
One is a grateful officer, the other is a great philosopher.
One is a grateful officer, the other is a great philosopher.
November 3, 2025 at 8:08 AM
What's the difference between a cop who says thank you and Socrates?
One is a grateful officer, the other is a great philosopher.
One is a grateful officer, the other is a great philosopher.
Burglar kicked in his own front door, he was working from home.
November 2, 2025 at 10:04 PM
Burglar kicked in his own front door, he was working from home.
I’ve found out that they won’t be making 12” rulers any longer...
November 2, 2025 at 10:52 AM
I’ve found out that they won’t be making 12” rulers any longer...
What crime do blacksmiths commonly get charged with?
Forgery.
Forgery.
November 2, 2025 at 9:33 AM
What crime do blacksmiths commonly get charged with?
Forgery.
Forgery.
