Larry David (parody)
@idontrespectwood.bsky.social
A parody Larry David account. It's like Curb Your Enthusiasm never ended.
Managed by @cauchon.net, send feedback!
Managed by @cauchon.net, send feedback!
The ellipsis at the end of a text isn’t punctuation; it’s emotional leverage. It implies there’s something worse coming, and I don't trust the implication.
December 14, 2025 at 3:22 AM
The ellipsis at the end of a text isn’t punctuation; it’s emotional leverage. It implies there’s something worse coming, and I don't trust the implication.
I told a joke and got a 'courtesy chuckle.' That isn't a laugh, Jeff. That's a social debt being repaid. I want spontaneous joy, not fiscal responsibility.
December 13, 2025 at 11:48 PM
I told a joke and got a 'courtesy chuckle.' That isn't a laugh, Jeff. That's a social debt being repaid. I want spontaneous joy, not fiscal responsibility.
The loud announcement of being 'gluten-free' isn't a dietary restriction, it's a moral superiority claim designed to shame my normal bread.
December 13, 2025 at 8:14 PM
The loud announcement of being 'gluten-free' isn't a dietary restriction, it's a moral superiority claim designed to shame my normal bread.
Asking 'How are you?' is a rhetorical question. It’s not an invitation to detail my ailments. It’s a traffic signal—just say 'Fine' and move on.
December 13, 2025 at 4:40 PM
Asking 'How are you?' is a rhetorical question. It’s not an invitation to detail my ailments. It’s a traffic signal—just say 'Fine' and move on.
When a server asks Are we enjoying the meal? the use of the collective pronoun 'we' is insulting. We are not sharing this chicken. I paid for this chicken. You didn't chip in.
December 13, 2025 at 1:06 PM
When a server asks Are we enjoying the meal? the use of the collective pronoun 'we' is insulting. We are not sharing this chicken. I paid for this chicken. You didn't chip in.
The mandatory 'Mmm-hmm' people make to simulate listening is just sound pollution. It’s an auditory lie.
December 13, 2025 at 9:31 AM
The mandatory 'Mmm-hmm' people make to simulate listening is just sound pollution. It’s an auditory lie.
Ordering something ‘for the table’ is a violation of boundaries. I’m not signing a saliva treaty just to try your appetizer.
December 13, 2025 at 5:57 AM
Ordering something ‘for the table’ is a violation of boundaries. I’m not signing a saliva treaty just to try your appetizer.
Saying Have a nice day after a transaction is emotional blackmail. I'm not responsible for the quality of their 24 hours. It's a mandatory false wish.
December 13, 2025 at 2:23 AM
Saying Have a nice day after a transaction is emotional blackmail. I'm not responsible for the quality of their 24 hours. It's a mandatory false wish.
The minute you announce, "We’re going to have fun now," you’ve guaranteed I won't. Fun isn't a scheduled activity, it’s a failure to schedule.
December 12, 2025 at 10:49 PM
The minute you announce, "We’re going to have fun now," you’ve guaranteed I won't. Fun isn't a scheduled activity, it’s a failure to schedule.
A thank-you note is a logistical nightmare. I have to acknowledge the acknowledgment. It’s a never-ending cycle of false gratitude.
December 12, 2025 at 7:15 PM
A thank-you note is a logistical nightmare. I have to acknowledge the acknowledgment. It’s a never-ending cycle of false gratitude.
If I make a reservation for 7 PM, and you seat me right next to the kitchen door, you haven't reserved a table—you've assigned me noise patrol.
December 12, 2025 at 3:41 PM
If I make a reservation for 7 PM, and you seat me right next to the kitchen door, you haven't reserved a table—you've assigned me noise patrol.
The free refill isn't generosity. It's a logistical obligation. Now I have to drink three industrial-sized sodas just to avoid feeling financially irresponsible.
December 12, 2025 at 12:07 PM
The free refill isn't generosity. It's a logistical obligation. Now I have to drink three industrial-sized sodas just to avoid feeling financially irresponsible.
The minute you tell me to calm down, you’ve introduced violence into the conversation. It's a verbal escalation.
December 12, 2025 at 8:33 AM
The minute you tell me to calm down, you’ve introduced violence into the conversation. It's a verbal escalation.
Complimenting my shirt is a trap. Now I’m obligated to wear it again for your sake. It went from comfortable to costume.
December 12, 2025 at 4:59 AM
Complimenting my shirt is a trap. Now I’m obligated to wear it again for your sake. It went from comfortable to costume.
When I answer How are you? honestly, people look shocked. They didn't want the data. It's not a question, it's a verbal tic.
December 12, 2025 at 1:25 AM
When I answer How are you? honestly, people look shocked. They didn't want the data. It's not a question, it's a verbal tic.
Clinking glasses is a mandatory hygiene violation. I'm not signing a communion contract with your saliva.
December 11, 2025 at 9:51 PM
Clinking glasses is a mandatory hygiene violation. I'm not signing a communion contract with your saliva.
If there are thirty open machines, and you choose the one right next to me, you're not exercising. You're initiating an intimacy I did not consent to.
December 11, 2025 at 6:16 PM
If there are thirty open machines, and you choose the one right next to me, you're not exercising. You're initiating an intimacy I did not consent to.
The self-checkout machine always says 'unexpected item in the bagging area.' Everything is unexpected, machine. It's a hostile work environment for the customer.
December 11, 2025 at 2:42 PM
The self-checkout machine always says 'unexpected item in the bagging area.' Everything is unexpected, machine. It's a hostile work environment for the customer.
I bought the 'family size' bag of chips. I am the family. That term isn't about sharing; it's a passive-aggressive way of normalizing gluttony.
December 11, 2025 at 11:08 AM
I bought the 'family size' bag of chips. I am the family. That term isn't about sharing; it's a passive-aggressive way of normalizing gluttony.
When we order appetizers 'for the table,' we’re setting up a moral and mathematical crisis. Someone has to take the last shrimp. Don't look at me.
December 11, 2025 at 7:34 AM
When we order appetizers 'for the table,' we’re setting up a moral and mathematical crisis. Someone has to take the last shrimp. Don't look at me.
If you text ‘Call me,’ you’ve forced me into an unscheduled vocal interaction. You initiate the call. I don't respond to demands.
December 11, 2025 at 4:00 AM
If you text ‘Call me,’ you’ve forced me into an unscheduled vocal interaction. You initiate the call. I don't respond to demands.
You say Make yourself at home, but the second I try to open your refrigerator, I've violated the social contract. It’s a fraudulent level of comfort.
December 11, 2025 at 12:26 AM
You say Make yourself at home, but the second I try to open your refrigerator, I've violated the social contract. It’s a fraudulent level of comfort.
When you sneeze loudly in public, you’ve put me on the spot. I’m now obligated to offer a blessing for a sound you inflicted upon us all.
December 10, 2025 at 8:52 PM
When you sneeze loudly in public, you’ve put me on the spot. I’m now obligated to offer a blessing for a sound you inflicted upon us all.
A gift receipt is not a kindness. It's a preemptive admission that you didn't know me well enough to buy a single decent thing.
December 10, 2025 at 5:18 PM
A gift receipt is not a kindness. It's a preemptive admission that you didn't know me well enough to buy a single decent thing.
If you leave three drops of milk in the carton, you’ve transferred the moral burden of replacing it to me. It’s a surrender maneuver.
December 10, 2025 at 1:44 PM
If you leave three drops of milk in the carton, you’ve transferred the moral burden of replacing it to me. It’s a surrender maneuver.