Author | Lightnews

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

The DMV won't let me change my weight on my license renewal. So legally speaking, I lost 40lbs today 💪

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

My favorite @SabrinaAnnLynn song is where she says, "you make me wet like MooDeng"

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

People born on 12/12/12 are turning 12 today.

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

🎶 Last Christmas, I gave you my fart and the very next day, you blew it away 🎵🎶

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

It turns out that with the right combo of open doors and blinds, I can make eye contact with my neighbor in his garage while I'm taking a shit.

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

What does it mean if you make your therapist cry during your session?

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

Trump just picked me as head of the US Dept of cutie pies.

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

Sometimes parenting is putting dozens of hair ties around the neck of a rubber duck at 1am. (And then brushing his hair???)

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

I don't have time to photoshop a "Boss Baby 2: Back in the White House" movie poster and I apologize for that

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

Exercise hack: prep a nice lil post workout snack BEFORE you start your workout. And then eat it immediately and decide to just exercise tomorrow instead.

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

Harris must be so relieved that she doesn't have to be president now. That job seems awful.

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

When are we starting the steal?

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

I did not Pokemon Go to the polls today

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

My hands look like this, so her hands can look like this. (In this joke I'm a professional baker)

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

Sometimes I think about these little gremlins and how we, tragically, didn't actually use them for jerseys. AI text garbage goes hard sometimes.

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

To be honest, I thought fatherhood would include more airplane spooning than this

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

My friend is having a baby right now and she refuses to name the baby after Dom Toretto.

So much for starting a "family"

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

30 minutes into Fast & Furious 9 and I have no idea if I've already seen this one.

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

Sometimes I wish I could get a sixer of Lionshead here in Georgia.

... for the puzzles obvi.

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

I'm so thankful for tiktok - where else would I get live video footage of people in Florida who think they're stronger than a hurricane?

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

I know that there are a lot of bad things going on in the world, but unfortunately, I think I'm going to run out of crunchy peanut butter this week and have to use creamy. Send your good thoughts/prayers to me.

Here's my GoFundMe if you feel inclined: https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/hurricane-helene

Hurricane Helene Relief: Donate or Fundraise

You can support verified fundraisers and nonprofits providing hurricane helene relief by making a donation on this page

www.gofundme.com

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

In your 20's it's, "one of us should open a bar so we don't have to keep paying for beer"

In your 30's it's, "one of us should buy a bounce house so we don't have to keep renting them for all our kids' birthdays"

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

I often think about the girl from my college nutrition class who asked the professor, "do, um, marijuana got calories in it?"

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

I'm not jealous of my two year old a lot, but when I am it's because she gets to just shit her pants whenever she wants.

juhmarrrchive.bsky.social @juhmarrrchive.bsky.social · Feb 17

Tonight is like Christmas eve, I'll be unable to sleep because I'm wondering what will be under the tree. (My car, my fence, my house...)