Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 10h

Daddy's busy, kids, you'll just have to pretend I updated the "unlike you libs I'm not so easily triggered" Hindenburg meme to reflect the pants-pissing meltdown of a bunch of triggered alpha gravy enjoyers over their boat-bombing cult leader not getting a peace trophy.

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 1d

So Trump’s got gaydar, only it’s the ability to magically find crime only in every single person he has a grudge against? Kind of a shit superpower, honestly

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 1d

Stop canceling shows because you're worried that seeing a different type of person is somehow indoctrinating your children. You were exposed to the teachings of Christ your whole life and not one bit of THAT managed to stick.

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 1d

If there are still this many people in this country, who went to its schools and churches and lived its culture, who think shooting priests in the head with pepper balls and dragging parents out of cars in the grade school pickup lines is what restoring greatness means, what was the point?

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 1d

I dunno, I just think if you kill people at sea and send troops into cities, you should maybe have more credibility than the guy who said they were eating pets in Springfield, and that if you don't, you should be removed from your job

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 2d

No reasonable person still thinks Trump isn't all over the Epstein files. What we're seeing now is the desperate stalling of an entire political party that knew this all along, had countless offramps to depose their cult leader, and must now explain to the world why they stuck with him all this time

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 2d

Prank calling Kristi Noem in Bart Simpson voice to say I'm Ann Tifa and I demand to speak to my incarcerated girlfriend

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 2d

Watching a gaggle of adults who grew up on rock and roll turn into their dipshit parents and say things like "I dunno about this Baddie Rabbit guy, can't we get Lee Greenwood?" and realizing most of them are younger than ME and already on this square-ass goober train? Preposterous.

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 2d

Can we stop with the headlines about Pam Bondi being humiliated in yesterday's hearings? Her only job qualification is willingness to be sexually harassed by an elderly flatulent rapist. She's into that shit.

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 2d

Stephen Miller is proof that with the right gumption and work ethic, anyone can grow up to be an entire nation's sleep paralysis demon

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 2d

One aspect of reading, not watching, my news is that I'm just now learning that Mike Johnson has the all time worst poker face in the history of lying sacks of shit

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 2d

Mad respect for Rusty's commitment to zero waste

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 2d

Happy Just Realized That Expensive Calendar You Bought To Support an Artist You Saw Once Online Is Still Sitting Flat On a Table and Has Not Been Looked At Once In Its Assigned Calendar Year Day!

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 4d

Is it any wonder aging white Americans are frightened of Bad Bunny, a swarthy Spanish-speaker who named himself after the most frightening monster to ever attack King Arthur and his men?

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 4d

Trump nuts who think he won't do to them what he's doing to brown people right now have spent their entire adult lives thinking wrestling is real and that the stripper is their actual pal.

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 4d

Stephen Miller is a domestic terrorist

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 5d

Workshopping some new Alice Cooper songs, lemme know which ones you think are guaranteed hits

- Wrangle My Werewolf
- Diddle My Dracula
- Yank My Yeti
- Astonishingly Go Ham On My Abominable Snowman
- Have the Sex With My T. Rex
- Give It Hell a Ton On My 12-Foot Skeleton
- Cats In the Cradle

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Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 7d

Probably still too soon for this shutdown, but by the next one, we could probably reopen the government with a small surcharge on Charlie Kirk tattoo coverups

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 8d

YOKELS: I love Trump because I don't trust the government!

ALSO YOKELS: the Dems are responsible for the shutdown, it says here right on the government website, they couldn't put that if it wasn't true

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 9d

Maxwell House rebranding to Maxwell Apartment is the worst dystopian cringe give-the-social-media-account-to-the-edgy-intern move since Taco Amber Alert.

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 9d

Hey, if we're indicting people for lying, let's get Trump to show us where that $17 trillion from all his magical tariffs is, and if he can't produce it, let's get his ass in court, chop chop

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 9d

I love that a bunch of people slobberingly adore a guy whose whole thing is the Art of the Deal and who seem completely unbothered by the fact that he doesn't even slightly know how to actually make a deal

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 9d

Apparently FAFO stands for Failed Applause Break Fetches Opprobrium. Who knew?

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 9d

BREAKING: Russell Vought cooks and eats giraffe in front of schoolchildren at National Zoo before 10am on day one of shutdown

Keith Bergman @keithbergman.bsky.social · 9d

BREAKING: Pete Hegseth watches One Battle After Another, immediately orders full military honors restored to Steven Lockjaw

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